Auntie Heffalump’s Advice Column

One of the great things about WordPress as a blogging platform is the stats and information it gives you.  Well, that and being able to send troll commenters direct to spam so I never have to read their bullshit.  Probably the most eye opening piece of information is the search terms that people use to find your blog.  At the moment, the number one search string leading to this blog at the moment is the phrase “what will my friends think about me dating a fat woman”.

So, let’s talk about it.  Cos you know, Auntie Heffalump doesn’t mind sharing a bit of her wisdom and advice.  Are you ready?  Let’s go…

Who gives a shit about what your friends think about who you are dating?!

Because if they are truly your friends, and you honestly want to be with this woman (which you should be, or why the hell are you dating her?), they won’t give a flying fuck about what shape or size she is, they’ll care that a) you are happy and b) that she treats you well.  Because that is what is really important, and any “friend” that thinks otherwise is not really your friend.  And you shouldn’t be giving it a second thought either.

If you really like someone, let alone really love them, they will be beautiful in your eyes, regardless of what magazines and movies and people who profit from the body image misery of others say they should look like.  If you’re dating someone that you don’t feel that way about, you need to ask yourself why it is that you’re dating them.  And if you want to get some of that sweet, sweet sexy lovin’ from someone, you’d better find them beautiful and tell them so.

The same goes for your friends and your own body shape/size.  If your friends or a date are judging you on what shape/size your body is, they’re not really you’re friends.  True friends care about WHO you are, not what you look like or if you fit some kind of shallow ideal.  I say get rid of those false friends and find some decent ones who really do care about you for the right reason.  It was the best thing I ever did.

The thing is, what does someone’s physical shape/size matter if they’re a complete douchebag?  I have a relative who is considered outwardly gorgeous, blonde, pretty, thin, etc – but she’s a complete bitch who treats everyone badly, so it makes her ugly to the core.  Yet I have other friends who are fat, or have bad skin, or are hairy, or short, or a million other things that our media and marketing tell us are hideously ugly, but they’re so lovely that these “flaws” meand absolutely nothing to me.  I don’t even notice these thing most of the time, unless THEY point it out to me.  What I notice is their kindness, their intelligence, their sense of humour, their gentleness and so on.  Maybe they have something that is considered unsightly, but I notice other beautiful physical things about the people I care about.  A cute pixie face, gorgeous cheekbones, great hair, soft hands, lovely teeth, a beautiful smile.  When you truly care about someone, something as trivial as fat or acne or whatever doesn’t matter a jot.

For those of you worried about how others think of you because of your physical appearance, let those thoughts go.  Treat yourself well, look after your grooming and find a style that makes you feel good about yourself, and anyone who thinks that isn’t good enough is not worth your energy and emotion.  Put your energy and emotion in living your life to the full and being a person that you can be proud of.

There ARE lots of people out there who will love you for who you are, not some shallow measure.

Hiding My Sins

I’m wearing a new dress today.  It’s a really lovely maxi dress in a black and white print that I picked up on mega special (80% off original price I think) at Big W last Friday.  I’m also wearing a little black crochet shrug/bolero thing over it, just because the dress is a little cleavagey, and that wouldn’t be very appropriate for my workplace.

This morning, a colleague complimented me on my dress, and then said “Good idea wearing the shrug over your arms, they hide a multitude of sins.”  Now I don’t know about you, but I felt that the compliment was nice until that moment.  Because I wasn’t wearing the shrug to hide my arms or my sins.  I have no problem baring my arms, even though they are yes, shock, horror… fat.  Very fat.

Why is it that fat people, in particular, fat women, are supposed to hide their bodies away, or obey long lists of rules about how they dress?  And furthermore, why is it acceptable for people to hand fat people a compliment, and then take it away by suggesting that their outfit makes them look slimmer than they are, or hides their “sins”?  Why does “flattering” always mean “slimming”?

You know all the rules.  Fat people:

• Shouldn’t wear stripes, especially horizontal ones.
• Should cover their bodies.
• Shouldn’t wear skinny jeans.
• Should cover their arms.
• Shouldn’t wear anything too fitting.
• Shouldn’t wear anything too loose.
• Shouldn’t show their tummies.
• Should wear muted colours.
• Should NEVER wear bright colours.
• Should wear big prints.
• Should wear small prints.
• Shouldn’t wear ruffles.
• Shouldn’t wear pastels.
• Shouldn’t wear different colours on the top and bottom of their bodies.
• Should flatten their tummies, thighs and butts with control top tights or spanx or some other kind of heavily elasticated undergarment.
• Shouldn’t be tanned.
• Shouldn’t be pale.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, BLAH!!

Notice how many contradictions are up there in that list?  Yes, for every time you’re told one thing to do as a fat person when it comes to dressing, someone else is lining up to tell you the exact opposite.

Well here’s the thing.  This is my body.  My body isn’t slim, or the same shape as everyone else’s body.  It’s big and fat and lumpy and has a HUGE tummy that I couldn’t hide even if I parked myself behind a screen all day.  But it’s a healthy body that works and is beautiful in it’s own unique way, and that I have to clothe in a way that is a) appropriate for the venue that I am in and b) a way that makes me feel good and expresses my personality.  I DO NOT have to hide it, apologise for it, atone for it’s “sins”, disguise it, or be ashamed of it.  My body is not sinful because it is fat.  Fat does not have any connections to morals.  It’s just fat, not Satan.

I wear clothes that I like, that when I put them on, make me feel good, and express the mood I’m in and my personality.  I love bold prints and bright, rich colours, bare arms, dipping cleavage, soft, drapey fabrics that slide over my skin, prints that are feminine and prints that are cheeky and fun, styles that are comfortable for my busy day to day lifestyle and that are durable enough to last more than one or two wearings.

Of course, I do have a responsibility to wear clothing that is appropriate for the place I am wearing it.  A bathing suit is not the right outfit for my workplace, nor is a cocktail dress the right outfit for going to the dog park.  In my workplace I have to be groomed, clean and professional.  Being fat is not unkempt, dirty or unprofessional.  It’s just the shape of my body.  It’s not ok for me to be too cleavagey or show too much leg in the workplace, that goes for everybody regardless of their body shape/size, but it IS ok for me to bare my fat arms or wear horizontal bloody stripes!

If a fat body offends someone, it is THEM that has the problem, not the owner of the fat body.  If someone is upset at a fat person wearing something that they’re perfectly ok with a slim person wearing, then yes, it is THEM that has the problem, not the people wearing the outfit.  Bodies are not public property, nor are they bound by any rules as to what shape or size they have to be or even appear to be. Yes, that means that a fat body doesn’t have to wear “slimming” or “flattering” clothes.  They can break any and all of those “rules”, because they’re rules imposed ONLY on fat people, never on slim people.

Nor do fat people have to suffer in silence over those false compliments about how clothes “make you look thin/like you’ve lost weight” or “hide your sins”.  What’s wrong with just complimenting someone with “You look great today, that’s a beautiful dress.”  I’m far more likely to wear the dress that gets that compliment again and again than one that I’m told hides my fat away.  I think next time someone tells me that an outfit I am wearing hides my sins, I’ll suggest I should take it off because “If I’m gonna sin, I want to wear it like a badge of honour!”

But I know not everyone has the ability to be as cheeky and loud-mouthed as I am.  I know it really, deeply hurts a lot of my fellow fatties out there when people say these sorts of things, and I know a lot of you agonise over what you wear because you want to avoid people saying such things.  I used to as well.  Then I realised how bloody stupid all the rules were and that I couldn’t make everyone happy no matter what I did (unless I could miraculously become thin – but even then people would talk behind my back and say I was thinking too much of myself since I lost weight and blah blah blah).  So I decided to make ME happy.  And I found my cheeky, loud-mouthed attitude, screw what anyone else thought.

Wear what you want to wear my lovelies.  Wear what makes you feel good, what you like on yourself, what expresses how you really feel.  Wear it proudly and screw what anyone else says about your bodies.  When you feel good, you look good, and you show your beauty.  Every single human being has beauty, they just need to find the right way to show it, and I believe that is by being happy, proud of yourself and holding your head high.  YOU are worth it.  Every single one of you.

Fabulous Friends

What a week it has been!  My last post got the most hits I’ve ever seen on any of my blogs, and a couple of days later the BBC World Service contacted me asking could they do a phone interview with me on fat prejudice and discrimination, particularly in relation to airline seating.

Unfortunately they left the messages at midnight my time, wanting an interview at about 2am from what I could see, and of course I was tucked up in bed by that time and didn’t get the messages until the next morning.  But it was still quite a delight that they contacted me at all.

So, tonight I wanted to talk a little bit about friendships of fat folk.  (Alliteration!)  I saw a post over on Fatadelic on Fat Women, Social Denigration and Social Rituals that really got me thinking about some of the “friendships” I’ve had in the past and how that has changed a lot as I’ve found my confidence and strong self esteem.  There was also another post somewhere, which I’ve sadly lost the link for, on a bridezilla who ditched one of her bridesmaids because she was fat and would “ruin the photographs”.

I wanted to talk a bit more about the friends we have as fat women in particular, and how our non-fat friends can stay our friends/be good friends.

Because we fats are plagued with low self esteem and confidence, we often tend to accept behaviour from “friends” that many other people would not accept.  I knew I certainly have in the past.  Right from downright nastiness (the bridezilla I was bridesmaid for who said to another bride, in front of me and the other plus sized bridesmaid “You’re so lucky to have thin bridesmaids.”), to insensitivity (the older female friend who said “You’re so lucky, fat people don’t wrinkle.”) to those who mean well, but are casting their own insecurities on to you, and not being supportive of you (“Are you sure you should be into this fat acceptance thing?  I worry that you’re just using it as an excuse not to diet and exercise.”)  Quite often, we accept this because we think we deserve to be treated this way, after all, aren’t we fat?  Shouldn’t we be grateful for the friendships we have.  Maybe nobody will be our friend if we’re fat and don’t accept how people treat us.

Well, I’m here to tell you that if you love yourself, regardless of your body shape and size, and only surround yourself with people who treat you well, you WILL have fantastic friends, no matter what your size or shape.

There is nothing selfish or conceited about holding the expectation that your friends will be supportive and respectful of you.  After all, isn’t that who friends are?  Your support crew?  When I think of the amazing friends I have now in my life, especially in comparison to those I had when I was younger and lacking in self esteem, they are my ultimate support crew, as I try to be theirs.  I honestly never would have believed that I would have friends like I have now back a few years ago, because I really didn’t think those kind of awesome people would like me, a horrible fatty.

To those of you out there who are non-fat friends of fatties, firstly, you’re awesome!  Awesome for not buying into the shallow shit that so many other people do, those charming folks who seem to think they’re better than someone just because of the size or shape of their body.  But I have a few things I’d like to ask you to remember when being a friend of a fatty.

1. Please don’t criticise your body.  Not only does it do you no good, but how do you think it makes your fat friend feel when you say your smaller body is “too fat”?
2. Please don’t talk about how “sinful” or “naughty” food is.  Food has no moral value, and when you refer to food in this way, it implies that your fat friend is sinful or bad for eating at all.
3. Suggesting your fat friend should find more “flattering” clothes is a big no-no.  Flattering usually means “hides your fat” or “makes you look thinner”.  Fat people don’t have to hide their bodies away or not wear certain things because they don’t make them look thinner.  If you like an outfit that a fat friend is wearing, say so.  Otherwise, it’s best to stay Mum.
4. Don’t exclude your fat friends from events and activities under the assumption that they won’t be able to keep up or participate.  Ask them.  They’ll say no thank you if they don’t want to participate.
5. If someone insults your fat friend in front of you, or engages in douchebag behaviour towards your fat friend, speak up if you can.  If it’s not safe to do so, make your your fat friend knows that you are horrified at this and that they have your support.  One of the worst things I suffered for many years were “friends” that would either laugh along, go quiet and pretend it never happened or suggest I was overreacting to douchebag behaviour.  It was always so hurtful.
6. Most of all, remember that your fat friend has probably had a whole lot of shit heaped on them for a long time just for having a fat body.  Some understanding and support will go a long, long way!

I am sure there are a lot of other things that my fellow fatz out there appreciate from their friends.  Feel free to leave them in the comments if you have any to add.

What I guess it all boils down to for me is that the best thing that ever happened to me was the realisation that I am a worthy person to have good, caring, supportive friends, and that I don’t have to settle for people who use me to either make themselves feel better about themselves, or people who feel sorry for me.

Real friends are awesome, but faux friends just aren’t worth the time and energy.

Why I Blog About Being Fat

I wanted to talk a little bit about why I created this blog and why I am so passionate about this subject.  Just lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is I really believe and where I fit in the whole scheme of things fat acceptance/body image wise.  Reading debates/discussions/arguments out there on other blogs has got me asking myself what is important and why I do what I do here.

Brace yourself, this might be a long one!

Just in case you haven’t read my older posts, a little background.  I was a normal sized kid, though taller than my peers, until I was 11.  However, despite my normal range weight for my height, I was always told I was fat by my family.  When puberty hit at about 11 or 12, I totally ballooned in weight.  I have been obese ever since.

I am a “superfat”.  By the old redundant BMI crap, the term is “morbidly obese”.  I’m on the larger end of the spectrum.  So I’m not just chubby or curvy or a bit plump.  I’m a big old fatty fat fat fat.

I have dieted.  Every kind you can imagine.  I have starved myself.  I have binge exercised.  I had an eating disorder for many years (swinging between starvation and purging).  I have tried every single prescription treatment that doctors could throw at me.  I have been to dietitians galore.  I have joined gyms, weight loss programmes and boot camps.  I’ve done all the commercial things like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Lite n’ Easy.  I’ve tried substituting with shakes and soups and powders and drinks and crackers.

And after 25+ years of doing all of that, I’m still fat.  Doctors and dietitians have called me a liar, saying that I was eating more than I was telling them, and exercising less.  The truth is that I did lie to them, but to tell them I was eating ANYTHING and that I was only exercising 4 hours per day (my peak was 8 hours per day).  They wouldn’t believe that I was eating and exercising in a normal range, why would they have believed that I was starving myself and exercise bingeing?

I have been told for over 25 years that I “just need willpower”.  I’ve got willpower that could rival Jean Grey.  If willpower was all was needed, I’d be thin, as well as be able to lift cars, bend metal and make Hugh Jackman in love with me.  I’m a natural obsessive.  When I get something in my mind that I’m going to do, I’m like a fox terrier with a rat – not gonna let it go.  My willpower is so strong that I’ve been able to starve myself, make myself vomit, eat nothing but green vegetables for 4 months, exercise for up to 8 hours per day and follow every single diet I’ve ever been presented.  Don’t be talking to me about no willpower.

So I’m well versed in the whole dieting and exercise and trying to lose weight/be thin shit.  I’ve been doing it for a lifetime.  The only thing I haven’t done is the surgery route, and that’s because I’ve come to my senses BEFORE I went that way.  It was bloody close though.

The smallest I ever got as an adult, with all of that dieting and exercise and everything, was 103kg.  To keep anything more than about 10kg off my current weight (which is about my biggest), I have to go back into the starvation and exercise bingeing, and the minute I get sick (which is pretty quick, cos my poor body is battered into illness) I go back to the same zone.

There came a point in my life, after 25+ years of trying everything, of hating myself because I can’t do what everyone tells me I should do, and that’s “Not be fat.”  It cannot be done.  It’s just not possible for this body ever to be anything but fat.

What it is possible for this body to be is healthy.  That’s what I want and need from my body, and what my body needs from me.  Therefore, I am focusing on my body being healthy, not being “less”.  I am moving my body in ways that I enjoy and listening to what it needs by way of nourishment.  I have let go of the guilt and emotion around food, and am listening to it.  When it tells me it needs green vegetables, I give them to it.  When it tells me it needs meat, I comply.  When it tells me it needs some chocolate, I also comply.  There is no need for me to starve, or purge, or eat weird combinations or quantities of strange things (Ten grapefruit per day diet anyone?  My pee burns!!)  My body tells me what it needs.  If I just stop torturing it and listen.

Which leads me to why I write this blog.  I write this blog to help people like me.  People who’ve lived most of their lives in pain, depression, self loathing, obsession, anger, guilt, shame, heartbreak.  People who put their lives on hold for decades “until I lose weight”.  People who are tired of being sold the same old “It’s your fault, you fat, disgusting pig!” line when they have done everything they possibly, humanly can to comply.

This is not a political blog, though sometimes politics ties into it.  This is not even a feminist blog, though it has feminist foundations, and sometimes it needs to have a good table thump on feminist issues.  This blog is as much for any men who have lived this as it is for my fellow ladies.  Of course I have a female perspective, but I’m sure we have a lot of universal truths, we fatties.

I am vehemently anti-diet/weight loss.  I’ve poisoned, tortured and battered my poor body for long enough.  It’s time I love it, fat and all.  It’s time I loved my enormous belly, my back fat, my giant tits, my roly-poly arms, my chubby hands, the hairy bits and pigmented bits and the dimply bits.  All those things that I’ve loathed for the past 30+ years.  As well as the bits I find beautiful, like my firm arse, my pretty feet, my shapely legs, my full lips, my crazy wild head of hair, my soft hands, my curved upper back, my good skin.

I want to bring other people the peace that I have found with fat acceptance and positive body image.  I want other people to not feel the self loathing and pain anymore, just like I no longer feel them (most of the time!)  I want people like me to know they are not alone, and people who’ve battered themselves physically and emotionally for their whole lives to find the calm and peace I am finding.

Also, I want to demand the respect I deserve as a human being.  Being fat does not make me inhuman, less deserving of respect, kindness, love, consideration.  My body should have no bearing on how people treat me.  It does, because there is so much hatred and fear for obesity, but I want to be a voice demanding that change.  Because I have found the confidence and self esteem and assertiveness to be able to do that.  Even if I have to get a bit feral with my language and table thumping to do so.

I want to tell people who’ve never lived this, who think they have the answers, the right to judge, who tell me and other men and women who have fat bodies that we are liars, lazy, disgusting, gluttonous, dirty, shameful to shut the fuck up.  I want to tell people who have never experienced what it is like to have an obese body that like to tell me what I am doing wrong that they have no fucking idea, that until they live this, they cannot judge or  lecture me and other fat people.  That their “concern” is unwelcome and useless.  And I want to talk to those good people who have never had to live this, but genuinely want to care and help, and show them how they can, without buying into the bullshit that we have been sold for generations about obesity, diet, body myths and body image.  How they can be loving and supportive of the fat people that they care about.

This is also where I have my voice.  This is where I process my thoughts, share my feelings and have a good old rant when I feel I need it.

But most of all, I want to see people that matter to me finding the light that I have found.  Because I love them and hate seeing them unhappy and hard on themselves.  I want them to love themselves as much as I love them.

If it helps ONE other person, one that I don’t know, find that light, it’s even more worth it.

Too Many Arseholes

I can feel a bit of a rant coming on.  I’ve been feeling it building for awhile lately, noticing something happening and becoming more socially acceptable as more and more people get into things like Facebook, Twitter, blogging, YouTube etc.  And it sucks, so I think it’s time to speak up about it.

The thing that I find really, deeply offensive that a lot of people seem to think is ok, is this practice of photographing or video recording complete strangers, and then putting that image/footage up on the internet with criticism about their clothes, body, hair, etc.

I don’t know what goes through people’s heads when they think it’s ok to do this.  To snap a pic on their phone of someone who is wearing a very short skirt and post it to Twitter, to take pics of people in Walmart and send them to a blog that does nothing but ridicule complete strangers, to video some drunk stranger in a bar and post it to their YouTube.  To photograph a fat person or someone they consider ugly and post it saying “Look at this hideous person!”

Do they think the subject doesn’t know?  Quite often they do know.  And usually they’re too upset, horrified and embarrassed to say “Hey, fuck you douchebag!”  Or even if they don’t know this is being done to them, what happens when some friend or relative says “I saw a photo of you on the internet!”

Do the people who post these things even give a second of thought as to what happens to that photo as soon as it’s uploaded?  Or do they not give a shit at all?

Thing is, doing stuff like that is pure and simple douchebaggery.  Even if someone does have a really freaky outfit, or they’re dancing like a drunken fool – who are you to photograph/record them and post it to the internet for people to laugh at?  Have you never had a shit fashion moment?  Do you not have flaws about your body or looks?  Never made an idiot of yourself at a bar or a party?  How would you feel if someone posted pics or photos of you like this?

Thing is, I know what it feels like.  It happened to me.  I got on the train one morning to go to work, minding my own business, and there were a group of young guys, about 18-20 years of age.  One of them thought it would be REALLY funny to photograph the fat lady (me) and text it around to the other guys.  I knew he was doing this, but I was so embarrassed, mortified and hurt that I wasn’t able to say anything to them.  This was pre-confident, assertive me.  All I could do was try very, very hard not to cry while they made barking noises and looked at each others phones, knowing full well it was me they were texting around.

By the time I got to work I was a mess.  Sobbing my heart out.  I was lucky, my colleagues were super supportive, and one of my bosses at the time asked me lots of questions about what the guys were wearing, what they looked like.  For some reason, I remembered a logo on their shirts.  She Googled it, found the company and called them, demanding to speak to the manager.  She got him.  She told him in no uncertain terms that she wanted answers and that she wasn’t going to rest until someone was held responsible for this douchebag behaviour.  She was AWESOME.

The upshot was, the manager worked out who it was, put the guys on performance management and in his words “Tore them each a new arsehole.”

But not everyone is able to see anything being done about when it happens to them and they know it.  To this day, I don’t know if there are photographs of me still on people’s phones, still going around, or if they’re going to pop up on the internet.  It still makes me feel bad, and I’m a hell of a lot more self confident and assertive now than I was then.

I don’t care if you’re a woman doing it just to criticise someone’s fashion choices.  That’s no better than photographing someone you think is fat or ugly or any other reason – it’s all ridicule.  And it’s douchebag behaviour.

Maybe it’s because the paparazzi are so well ensconced in our culture now, that people think it’s ok to whip their camera phones out and photograph strangers.  You know what?  The paparazzi suck.  Even though they’re often stalking people who have chosen to live their lives in the public eye, they still suck for harassing those people, for stalking them and for making money off the negative stuff about those people.

But someone just photographing or filming a complete stranger on the street or in a shop, bar, or any other public place with the intent to post those pictures publicly and ridicule or criticise them is nothing short of a complete and utter arsehole.

Stop doing it.  Stop supporting it on websites and blogs that collate this kind of shit.  Stop being an arsehole.  You’ll thank me for the good karma later.

Why I Love Tattoos

For any of you who know me in real life, and/or have me on Facebook and Twitter, you will already know that I am very excited about getting two more tattoos in the very near future.  I am booked in on Monday to get the first of these two, on the top of my right foot, and will book the second one while I am there, which is for the inside of my left forearm.

I already have three tattoos; a pink balloon heart on the inside of my right forearm, a pink lotus flower on the top of my left foot, and a Far Side cartoon cow on my back above my left shoulder blade.  I also have the intention of getting a lot more than just the two I have planned now.  The only thing that prevents me from going all out and getting full sleeves and work on my legs and torso is that quality tattoos are an investment, so I have to pace my spending.

Check ‘em out…

I don’t have a photo of my cow, it’s hard to photograph my own back, and she’s very faded and bluey-green now, so it’s not so nice to photograph.

There is a reason I love tattoos other than it annoys my mother that I have them.  I love them because they make me feel beautiful about my body.  As someone who has suffered body image and self esteem issues my whole life, been fat since I was 11 and who has drifted in and out of eating disorders since I was in my early teens (these days I thankfully seem to be out of them, I would like that to be permanent), I have always struggled with finding my body beautiful.  The first time I ever did have something I totally loved about my body was when I got my first tattoo, the cow on my back.

I felt that at last, here was a part of my body that I had some control over.  Here was something I was doing to MY body for ME, and not for anyone else.  Not to make me more acceptable to society, not to impress a guy, not to fit some kind of norm for others.  It was another 15 years before I was tattooed again, the next two were done on the same day 18 months ago, and again that feeling was there.  Now every time I look at the parts of my body that have tattoos, they look and feel beautiful to me.

Another thing is that when I get ink, I always choose a design that means something to me ABOUT me.  I’ve not got tattoos to honour anyone else, or to commemorate events.  Each of my tattoos has a meaning around my self esteem or messages to myself.  Whether it be reminders about what is important in life, or something that expresses things I like about myself.

Being tattooed makes me feel just that bit more confident about my body.  I’m even booking in to have a manicure and pedicure on Monday before I go to the tattooist, just so that my feet are all pretty ready to be photographed when I have my fresh ink.  Something I would have never done years ago, which probably seems silly to a lot of people, but I didn’t even have the self confidence to allow my hands and feet to be touched by anyone I didn’t know closely.

So, do any of you have ink?  If so, what have you got and why did you get it?  Do you think it changes your self esteem/self image at all?

It’s Your BODY, Baby!

Yeah I know, it’s been some time since my last post.  I have been sick this week just gone, swinging between wild nausea, thumping headaches and this horrible lack of energy thing.  Summer gets me every year for a bit, and this week seems to be it.  So of course I have some blogging to catch up on.

A couple of days ago I came across this post on Tumblr.  It’s from The Tummy Project, which aims to showcase all forms of tummies, regardless of shape, size, skin type, colour, hair or lack of hair.  An excellent body positive project.  But this post really worried me.  I’ll reproduce it here:

My tummy is on its way to being what my family calls “gobby fat.” See the pooch at the bottom, under my belly button? That will be gobby fat in ten or twenty years, maybe. All of the women in my family have big middles, and they just laugh about it and make jokes but I know they hate it and it makes them feel awful. I am tired of being scared of this happening to me. I am also scared that someone will know this is me in this picture, because I am the funny, confident girl who is always telling other women to chin up and be proud of their bodies and love themselves. And they’ll know that I am a fraud. But I don’t know what to do about any of it. I just have this tummy. I always have. At every size, at every age, the belly has been.

I’m still shocked when I see that photo and read the accompanying post.  This young woman thinks her tummy is fat??  What the HELL are we teaching young people if they could possibly think that they are fat when they are shaped like this?

That “pooch” below her belly button.  That is supposed to be there, it is her bloody internal organs!

Body image is so fucked up in Western culture that we seem to be thinking that our bellies MUST be concave or at least flat, that they cannot have any curves or roundness to them at all.  Not only is it an impossible goal for a healthy body to obtain, it’s also not even true in the pictures we see of models and actresses that do have stomachs like that.  Either they’re digitally altered so that it’s not there, or they do things like starve themselves the day before a shoot so that they don’t have a “food baby” or a bump from where the food and internal organs naturally sit.

What disturbs me even more from the post is that this young woman is being taught by the women in her family that a) her body is something to be loathed, b) to accept people laughing and making jokes about her body and c) that they can’t express their feelings about their bodies.  If they hate their bodies so much, why aren’t they helping this young person in their lives who HAS a slim body in not hating hers?

There are some inroads being made into body positivity these days, but we have so far to go that we need to really work with the young.  Right from tiny children, we need to be teaching kids and everyone above that our bodies are marvellous things.  Sure, they come in all different shapes and sizes, some of which are slim and commercially “beautiful”, but all shapes and sizes are beautiful in their own way.

Not to mention that our bodies are INCREDIBLE!  I mean, think about your hand just for five minutes.  Do some things with it – pick something up, wave, point, toss something in the air and catch it, click your fingers.  Isn’t it incredible that in a matter of seconds we can command our hand, and the rest of our bodies, to do all these things.  In the blink of an eye, our brains and our bodies work together to propel us through our daily lives and we  never even give that any thought.  How often do you thank your body for doing the work it does every day.

That’s just the stuff we can control.  What about all the things our bodies do on their own?  Like breathing, processing food and water, self cleaning, thinking, growing, repairing itself (the only part of the human body that can’t repair itself are the teeth!) and a myriad of things we don’t know about.  How awesome is that?

Instead of realising this, we focus on every single thing that we consider “flaws”, even those these things usually are just features that are unique to ourselves.  The next time you think of your body’s flaws, try and see them as a feature, rather than a flaw.  These are the things that make you, YOU.

Our bodies are not a bunch of “parts” for us to critique and obsess over.  They’re an amazing system and thing of wonder that we hardly even fathom the complexity of.

We need to take care of them, be kind to them, nourish them, move them and appreciate them.  Love your body, no matter what it’s shape, size or what it does and doesn’t do.  Love it for what it is, and what it does for you.

Just Playing is a Good Thing

I bought a Nintendo Wii a couple of weeks ago.  Took me a while to get it all set up, what with the craziness of Christmas and the stinking hot weather, but now that I’ve got it set up, I’m having a load of fun.  I don’t have many games yet, but I can play Wii tennis for hours, and something tells me that Wii bowling is going to be the next one that becomes an addiction.

Anyone who has seen or played the Wii Fit knows that the game not only measures your BMI (which we all know is a pointless measurement) but chastises you on not only your performance, but your body rating.  And now Microsoft have applied for a patent for an avatar system that shames fat people, limiting their game play and in cases even banning them from playing.

What is with gaming coming down all judgemental on us?  And why the hell are people buying these systems?

Maybe, just maybe, they’d a) sell more of their games and b) we’d play more hours of them if they made them a bit more bloody fun, and a bit less judgemental and moralistic?

The whole point of Wii, and especially Wii Fit, is that it’s a game that requires you to move your body.   A fantastic technology that brings gaming to people who wouldn’t otherwise play (like me).  In moving your body playing these games, you’re having fun, so you want to play more, which in turn causes you to move your body  more.  You’re getting exercise!  But you’re also having lots of fun.

Then along comes this feature that tells you your BMI is too high, that you’re not playing hard enough.  Or if Microsoft market their planned product, cuts you off from playing the game altogether.

What I ask is what’s wrong with just playing for fun?  Why add the moralistic bullshit onto it?  Surely if the game encourages you positively to play more, you will play more, you will move more, and get more exercise?

It seems to me that we’re being pressured to justify our activity so much that we’re not allowing ourselves to play anymore.  Every activity has to be for some kind of purpose or “good”.  Using the game consoles are not for just relaxing and having some fun –  no, they’re for training us to be healthy and fit, by way of fat shaming.

Games manufacturers and marketers need to cut the crap with this stuff.  Remove it or make it opt in if anyone out there really does want it.  Instead of chastising and shaming players, how about making them laugh, cheering them on, encouraging them to have another go to beat their last score.  I know I will play a game that I’m having fun and encouraged to play for many more hours than I would one that tells me that I’m a lard arse and shouldn’t be playing.

Time to get smart Nintendo and Microsoft, and all the other companies too.

Nurture or Nature

I had a pleasant surprise today.  A little moment of delight that gave me warm fuzzies, but also has me thinking.

I was sitting in a cafe, having a coffee before I went off to meet a friend for a lunch and movie date (we saw Avatar in 3D, it was AWESOME!) when I noticed this cute little boy of about 3 years old staring at me intently.

Fearing that I was going to have another one of those “Mummy, look at the fat lady!” moments, I mentally braced myself, only for the little monkey to pipe up very loudly:

“Mummy!  I LOVE pink hair!!”

Yes, I have hot pink hair at the moment.

It was such a delightful thing for the little guy to say, and he said it with such adoration and feeling, I knew he really did love my pink hair, and that’s all he was noticing about me.

What it got me thinking about, is how much of when children say things that are rude or hurtful, how much of it is nature and how much is nurture – that they have been taught.

I’m sure any and all fatties who are reading this, or friends of fatties, have heard that child’s voice pipe up somewhere really public and embarrassing with “Whoa!  Look at that FAT lady over there Mummy!”  Or been asked by a child “Why are you so fat?”  Then there is my “favourite” – “My Mummy says you need to go on a diet, you’re too fat!”

This little guy today was pretty small, about 3 years old, four at the absolute most.   I’d love to think he had awesome parents who were teaching him not to point people out in a negative way that are different, but that I don’t know.  Maybe  he was just too young to have got those messages from our culture that fat = bad.

Of course, kids don’t just pipe up with these things about fat people.  Recently I read a blog where a Mum talked about her young son coming home from school upset because the other kids had commented on his brown skin.  I’ve seen kids making fun of people who look different to them in a lot of ways.

But of course, for me, I’ve had the fat comments ever since I was a kid myself.  It used to bother me terribly, I would get very upset, but since I found fat acceptance and my self esteem and confidence, it’s a mere sting, rather than a deep seated pain like it used to be, when it happens.

So what do we do about it?  We start with our own kids and kids in our lives I guess.  Giving them positive body messages and teaching them to think about how others might feel about things they say.  Those close to us are the easy ones to work with.

When it does happen, don’t get angry at the child.  If they’re a big kid, or a teenager, fair enough.  But under 10… they are almost always parroting what they have heard from adults.  The little ones usually respond to warmth.  When I was working in child care, when kids would make comments about my being fat, I used to simply say “You know, fat gives the best cuddles.”  Most of the time that would change their tune.

However, if you can’t respond, and turn the situation, don’t wear it on your soul as pain.  I know it hurts – as I said, it still stings for me now.  Remember that the child is just parroting what they’ve heard elsewhere.  That most times, if the child really got the chance to interact with you, fat becomes invisible to them.  They don’t care about body shape until they’ve been bombarded with the body image messages for some time.  Usually they just care for approval, attention and love.

If you’ve got kids, especially if you’re not a fatty and you’re reading this, it’s important that you teach them that size is not reflective of who a person is.  After all, do you want your child growing up with bad body image?  Do you want your child facing hurt and heartbreak over the shape and size of their body?

Or you can do what I do.  Dye your hair hot pink.  Kids LOVE it!

Merry Christmas from Fat Heffalump

I just wanted to stop by with a quick post tonight, on Christmas Eve, to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas.

I wish you all lots of joy, love, celebrations, laughs, tasty treats, goofy dancing, corny songs, playfulness, friends, hugs and peace.

Remember, you are worth as much as any other human being on this earth no matter what your size, and Christmas is a time for joy and celebration, not guilt, angst and low self esteem.

Remember, food has no moral value.  Your body is your own, and nobody has the right to comment on it or judge you because of it.  Not even your family. You are allowed to eat and enjoy food, without guilt or censure.  Taste it, smell it, savour and enjoy it and even over indulge in it a bit.  It’s bloody Christmas after all.  Try to avoid hangovers though – they’re not fun.

Walk tall.  Smile.  Relax and enjoy yourself.  You deserve it.