Auntie Heffalump’s Advice Column

One of the great things about WordPress as a blogging platform is the stats and information it gives you.  Well, that and being able to send troll commenters direct to spam so I never have to read their bullshit.  Probably the most eye opening piece of information is the search terms that people use to find your blog.  At the moment, the number one search string leading to this blog at the moment is the phrase “what will my friends think about me dating a fat woman”.

So, let’s talk about it.  Cos you know, Auntie Heffalump doesn’t mind sharing a bit of her wisdom and advice.  Are you ready?  Let’s go…

Who gives a shit about what your friends think about who you are dating?!

Because if they are truly your friends, and you honestly want to be with this woman (which you should be, or why the hell are you dating her?), they won’t give a flying fuck about what shape or size she is, they’ll care that a) you are happy and b) that she treats you well.  Because that is what is really important, and any “friend” that thinks otherwise is not really your friend.  And you shouldn’t be giving it a second thought either.

If you really like someone, let alone really love them, they will be beautiful in your eyes, regardless of what magazines and movies and people who profit from the body image misery of others say they should look like.  If you’re dating someone that you don’t feel that way about, you need to ask yourself why it is that you’re dating them.  And if you want to get some of that sweet, sweet sexy lovin’ from someone, you’d better find them beautiful and tell them so.

The same goes for your friends and your own body shape/size.  If your friends or a date are judging you on what shape/size your body is, they’re not really you’re friends.  True friends care about WHO you are, not what you look like or if you fit some kind of shallow ideal.  I say get rid of those false friends and find some decent ones who really do care about you for the right reason.  It was the best thing I ever did.

The thing is, what does someone’s physical shape/size matter if they’re a complete douchebag?  I have a relative who is considered outwardly gorgeous, blonde, pretty, thin, etc – but she’s a complete bitch who treats everyone badly, so it makes her ugly to the core.  Yet I have other friends who are fat, or have bad skin, or are hairy, or short, or a million other things that our media and marketing tell us are hideously ugly, but they’re so lovely that these “flaws” meand absolutely nothing to me.  I don’t even notice these thing most of the time, unless THEY point it out to me.  What I notice is their kindness, their intelligence, their sense of humour, their gentleness and so on.  Maybe they have something that is considered unsightly, but I notice other beautiful physical things about the people I care about.  A cute pixie face, gorgeous cheekbones, great hair, soft hands, lovely teeth, a beautiful smile.  When you truly care about someone, something as trivial as fat or acne or whatever doesn’t matter a jot.

For those of you worried about how others think of you because of your physical appearance, let those thoughts go.  Treat yourself well, look after your grooming and find a style that makes you feel good about yourself, and anyone who thinks that isn’t good enough is not worth your energy and emotion.  Put your energy and emotion in living your life to the full and being a person that you can be proud of.

There ARE lots of people out there who will love you for who you are, not some shallow measure.

Desperate and Dateless? I Think Not!

Following up from my last post about the whole world of fun that opens up when a woman declines a man’s attention, I want to talk a bit more tonight about fat women, dating, romance and sex.

Now I don’t proclaim to be an expert on the subject in any way, because it’s such a bizarre thing that is totally individual to every person on this earth.  But I do have my experiences and the bits I’ve learned, and I know there are a lot of fatties out there that are completely baffled by the whole subject, so let’s talk about it a bit, and maybe get some things right.

There is this perception that fat women are desperate and dateless.  That they’re at home on a Saturday night pining over their lack of prospective romantic partners.   Hang on, I AM at home on a Saturday night!  Oops!  But that is out of choice after a long tiring week, not because I’m some sad lonely heart.

Guess what?  Fat women aren’t desperate and dateless.  They’re not completely ignored by men because “nobody will have them.”  In my experience, and remember I am post-35 years old, I’ve never had any time of my life where I haven’t had some male attention.  That’s not always been the kind of males I would like attention from, but no more than receiving attention from the males that I do want the attention from.  Fat women get married, have hot sex, are seen as beautiful and do live happily ever after.

Yes, I am still single.  I am aware of this, so you don’t need to leave the whole “But you’ve not got married yet, so you’re still desperate.” comment.  Had that one before, surprise, surprise.  YAWN.  But being single is not some failure to find a partner.  Being single is about where you are on the road of life, the people who have come into your life and at what point, and a whole lot of choices.

What I think many fat women do lack is confidence and good self esteem.  They are often more “gun-shy” than their slimmer counterparts, simply because when they have suffered rejection (and every single human suffers rejection, not just fat people), it has been particularly nasty and cruel.  The guy who rejects the slim girl is less likely to insult her as viciously about it.

And when you consider how attractive confidence is, it’s no wonder that fat women often feel very intimidated about the whole dating thing.  It becomes a vicious circle.  Fat woman is rejected horribly, loses confidence, avoids the situation, loses more confidence, feels unattractive and worthless, and so on.

I know, I have been there myself for large chunks of my life, until I started to gain the confidence and stronger self esteem that I have built up today.  It’s a tough place to be in, but there is life outside of that.

The thing is, there are plenty of great men out there that love fat women.  I don’t mean fetishists, though of course we all know they exist.  But good men who love the shape of their beautiful, bountiful fat women, and who find women attractive for more than just some magazine media/Hollywood ideal of beauty.  If there weren’t, April Flores wouldn’t be such a popular porn star!

I’ve been on dates with (and in some cases, dated exclusively) all kinds of men.  Young men, older men, fat men, thin men, sporty men, men that would be considered “super handsome”, men who have big old issues and even a few douchebags.  It’s all a process of elimination really – meeting guys and eliminating those that aren’t suitable for whatever reason.

One of the difficulties of being a fatty in the dating world is that low confidence and self esteem often have the fat woman thinking that there’s no way that the guy who has just paid her attention is interested in her.  She tells herself he’s just being nice, or he’s gay (cos let’s face it, fat women and gay men go together like strawberries and cream – I have so many gay male friends, it’s awesome.) or that he’s a douchebag setting her up to be a jerk to her (who hasn’t experienced that one in high school, hmmm?)

What happens is she doesn’t believe that the guy paying her attention is genuinely interested, so she rejects him out of self protection, and then he’s hurt too.  See the vicious cycle forming?

As fat women, we need to find some confidence in ourselves.  Because often that’s the strongest thing that holds us back.  When we encounter the douchebags, we need to hold our heads high, look them in the eye and say “Fuck you!” and remember that THEY are the douchebag, not us because we have fat bodies.  When a man is kind to us or pays us positive attention, we need to accept it as just that – kindness and positive attention.  Smile and say thank you and enjoy it.

Recently I struck up a conversation with an attractive man I was seeing in my day to day travels regularly.  He was always very polite and friendly, and one day he made it clear he’d like a chat.  So we talked.  Each time we saw each other afterwards, we talked some more.  He mentioned that he may not be in the same place for awhile, as his circumstances might be changing, so I figured “What the hell, I’ll give him my card.”  I handed him my card and said “If you disappear from the regular spots, here’s my email address.”

I would never have done this a few years ago, simply because I didn’t have the confidence and was terrified of rejection.   But with the confidence and stronger self worth I have built over the past years, my thought was “What the hell, life is short and he’s nice, I’m pretty sure he won’t be a douche.”  And he wasn’t.  But if he had been, I could have handled it too.  Now I’m enjoying a new friendship, some flirtation and who knows where it will go.

The thing is, there are a lot of people in this world, and everyone has really wide and varied tastes, values, needs and stages in their lives.  Don’t let the douchebags of the world put you off living your life, and believing that there are people out there who see you for the amazing person you are.

Hello, Life Speaking, Please Hold…

I was just reading a post over on WATRD about dining alone, when I got to thinking about the reasons I never used to dine alone.  For me, it mostly came down to the fact that I used to put my entire life on hold for “when I…”

When I lost weight was the most persistant one in my head, but there were others.  However if I had a dollar for everything I put on hold “until I lost weight”… well, I’d have a whole lot of dollars to do all that cool stuff.

When I was in my 20′s I was so much more self conscious than I am now.  Depression and low self esteem were part of that, but I do think that once you get past 30, most people are more comfortable in their skin anyway, and start to realise that there is a whole world out there and bugger anyone who gives them a hard time for being who they are.

I went through a patch in my mid-20′s where I barely left the house.  I would get up, go to work, and come home again.  I refused to stay over anywhere, even my own Grandparents house, because I just wanted to be home where I felt safe.

It took losing a friend to cancer to give me a bit of a shake up, to realise how short life is and that you have to jump in and live it, or you’ll be gone before you know it.  Six months after my friend died, I got on a plane and flew to Melbourne for a fortnight on my own.  Stayed in a hotel in the CBD, visited friends for their wedding, and caught up with a few other people, but mostly I took myself around the city on my own.  It was a liberating experience.

Even more liberating was getting on another plane and heading to the US, where I knew practically no-one, and travelling around for three months, staying with people I had never met before.  Included in that, was a jaunt to New York City, most daunting of cities, all by my lonesome, staying in a hotel!  I would never have believed I could do that 10 years ago, but I did, and thoroughly enjoyed it.

The thing is, life is short.  We only have so many years we get to live our lives.  And I just reached a point where I realised I wasted so many years putting my life on hold for whatever reason.  There is a point you reach that you realise that you actually regret wasting those years.

So have that meal by yourself in a nice cafe.  Travel on a trip on your own.  Buy an amazing red dress.  Go to that movie by yourself that nobody else is interested in.  Join that group or club or sport or whatever that interests you, even if you don’t have a buddy to take with you.  Don’t wait until you realise that life is short and that you’ve wasted years waiting until you lost weight, or got fit, or found a boyfriend, or whatever else has been holding you back.

And if anyone gives you a hard time, to hell with them – they’re just afraid that you’re having more fun than they are.  Which is probably true!

A Letter to the Friends of Fat Single Women

An open letter to all non-fat friends of single fatties.

Dear non-fat friends,

I love you all, even those of you who are not my friends but the friends of other fatties. You’re awesome, because you don’t buy into the shallow bullshit that a lot of other people do. Fatties are used to people avoiding them because they either think fat is contagious, or that fatties are not “cool enough” for them. So kudos to those of you who don’t buy into that and love your fatty friends.

But I want to talk to you about the way you approach your single fat friends with the subject of dating. Cos some of you get it really wrong. And I want to help you get it right!

• It is ok to arrange for us to meet single guys that you know, so long as you ask us first. Either blind dates or introducing us at an event.
• Ask yourself “Would I date him?” If the answer is no, then don’t suggest him to us. We are fat, we are not desperate.
• The guy that lives with his mother… is he caring for her or is she caring for him? If she’s caring for him, don’t suggest him to us.
• Do not suggest that we are lesbians unless we have expressed desire for women. Fat women are not all closet lesbians. It’s an insult to everyone to think this way.
• If you know that we are a lesbian, it’s ok to introduce us to other lesbians. Do not introduce us to other fat women on the assumption that we will just get our fat on together and become lesbians.
• Do not suggest that we may get more dates if we “just lose some weight”. We don’t want to date the kind of men who won’t date us as we are.
• Do not tell us “But you have such a pretty face.” when we complain about being single. This implies the following sentence “Despite your fat body.”
• When we are out together, and some guy behaves like a douchebag towards we fatties, do not then give him your phone number, flirt with him or have sex with him, no matter how hot he is. This tells us that some douchebag is of more value than our friendship. Besides, if he treats us badly now, he’s probably going to treat you badly later.
• Do not suggest that we should cover up any of the fat bits of our bodies before we go out. Yes, I know I have big fat arms. I don’t care, it’s hot and this sleeveless top is pretty.
• Don’t ask your fat friends for dating advice, and then dismiss it because they are fat and probably don’t get any dates anyway. They’re used to having to think more about how other people behave, they probably have the best advice.
• Remember, if you wouldn’t go out with him, don’t suggest him to us. Just gotta make sure you understand that one.
• If you double date with a fat friend, don’t comment on her food or your own. Nobody really cares but you, and you’ll just make your friend feel bad for no reason.
• Don’t ask your fat friend how she got a date with the great guy. She got it because she is awesome and he’s smart.
• Most of all, treat your single fat friend the same way you would treat any other single friend.

Again, you’re an awesome friend and we know you mean well, but sometimes it’s hard to understand that something can be hurtful when your intentions are good.

Thanks for being a great friend.

The Fatties.

Welcome!

Well hello there. Welcome to my shiny new blog. Come on in, make yourself comfortable. Don’t mind the mess, I’m just moving in, so I’ll be setting up for a little while. I hate the decor, but I’ll be whipping out my decorating kit over the next few days, don’t despair.

Some of you may already know me from other blogs (which I may pop in the sidebar later, just for your reference), others may be here because you’ve found me out there in the land of the interwebz and you’re curious to know more about this aspect of my life. Either way, you are most welcome.

A little about why I am setting up this blog perhaps? Well, let’s see…

Firstly, I am rather inspired by the work of Natalie, Nick, Sonya, Janey and Zoe have started on The Axis of Fat. I think we need more fat positivity/acceptance work from Australians (this is a very, very fat phobic country) and I’m willing to put my blogging where my mouth is, and join this community.

I also want to be a voice for fat, single women over 35, as I am one myself. I don’t seem to be able to find any others out there, but I’d love to be proven wrong. Leave me a link in the comments if you know of any out there. It’s hard enough being single, fat, or over 35 individually, combine the three and you have a whole swag of fun and games to deal with.

I want to do something positive in the face of all the negativity and hatred/anger towards fat women (and men for that matter). And while I am projecting positivity, I am also drawing positivity towards me, which like any vulnerable human being, I need, despite the fact that I look and sound like a super confident lady on the surface.

And finally, I want to share my story in the hope that the fat phobes out there will stop and think about what the hell they’re spouting, and about the fact that they’re spreading hate towards their fellow human beings who have feelings and hopes and aspirations.

So watch this space, I hope that you find some positivity and insight in my writing.