I know I’ve been a bit quiet here on Fat Heffalump as of late.  I’ve got some personal stuff happening that is proving to be highly stressful and it’s going to be so for the next few months, and work is hotting up on a big project that is also due to reach it’s peak at the end of March.  So my writing mojo is not really what it normally is.  So I’ve been practicing what I preach, and putting some self care practices in place so that I can emotionally and physically get through what is going to be a big upheaval in my life.

However, it doesn’t mean I’m not participating in, or keeping abreast of the happenings of the world of fat activism.

That said, it’s a bit of a phenomenon of being a visible rad fatty that many people send me emails, tweets or posts on other social media spaces showing me links to horrible articles of fat hatred, ask me for advice, or ask me to comment on articles or join in on debates about fat stigma.

Most of the time, I’ll pitch in.  Sometimes I’ll respond with some advice so that they are armed with something to go and respond directly themselves.

But of course, there are times I just want to turn on my computer and read stuff, or chat with people, without being everyone’s agony aunt and rent-a-radical.

Today was one of those days.  I got up, got ready for work, and was on the bus in to work when I was reading through Twitter and Facebook, and checking my emails.  My usual routine.  Yet again, there they were.  The tweets “Have you seen this?! [insert: link into fat-hating article here]“.  The email “Can you come on to my FB page and help me argue with this person [read: fat hating douchecanoe they refuse to unfriend]?”  The FB update where they tag me and expect me to jump in with a piece about the myths about fat and health.

Now look, I am passionate about this stuff.  I want to help where I can.  I want to make a difference.  But I am a human being, and I do have limitations.  Not to mention that I have my own wall of fat hatred I have to fight through in this world.

And I just can’t deal with it at the moment.  I let fly on Twitter with this mini-tirade:

God I hate when people send me unsolicited links to fat hate articles. Stop it.—
Fat Heffalump (@Fatheffalump) January 30, 2012

1) I don't want to log on first thing in the morning & be confronted with @replies full of hate spam. 2) it promotes & encourages that shit—
Fat Heffalump (@Fatheffalump) January 30, 2012

3) if something outrages you, YOU do something about it, don't use me as your mouthpiece.—
Fat Heffalump (@Fatheffalump) January 30, 2012

4) it's fucking triggering. Have a little consideration for my feelings and daily peace.—
Fat Heffalump (@Fatheffalump) January 30, 2012

And finally, I KNOW fat hate exists, I see these articles, I spend most of my spare time combatting it. Give me some space.—
Fat Heffalump (@Fatheffalump) January 30, 2012

It wasn’t aimed at any one in particular, but at ALL of the examples that have been coming through.  Unfortunately though, someone tried to lay a guilt trip on me for pushing back against this expectation of me being constantly available to fight other people’s battles.  When I called them on it, she retweeted me and called me “bitter”.  This is the very same person who wanted me to respond to the fat hatred they pushed at me a few hours before.

It’s exhausting.  It’s invasive.  And it shows a whole lot of indifference to my feelings as a human being.

I know what fat hatred and stigma are.  I see these articles and discussions.  I deal with my own share of fat hatred aimed at me – sometimes more, because I am an outspoken, visible fat woman.  I don’t need them directly sent to me all the time, with the insinuation that I should respond to them, the implication that I should be the one to speak up.  The lovely @mimbles referred to it earlier today as “the everyone else takes one step backwards kind of volunteering!”  When people go “This is horrible!  Something should be done!” and then all step back and wait for someone else to fix it.

It’s not cool.  It makes me feel used.  It leaves me with no space that I can get a rest from the relentless slog that is fat activism.  And it makes me feel that my own needs and life are irrelevant, and that I’m only interesting to people when I’m fighting on their behalf.

I know I’m not the only activist who feels worn down by this at times.

I love, love, LOVE how my activism has brought so many amazing people to my life, how it has given me some fantastic opportunities and how people have so many lovely things to say about me and the work I do.  I love that people trust me, and that people sometimes even look up to me.  I still can’t believe it most of the time, but it is really lovely.

But I need people to remember that I am a person.  One who has feelings, who on top of her activism, has a busy career life, friends, hobbies, responsibilities and her own baggage too – all things that fill my life already, without the time and energy I put into activism.

I hope I’m always here to fight right beside you all against fat hatred and stigma.  But please, don’t push me in front of you on the battlefield.

How this campaign could possibly be called “Strong 4 Life” – I have no idea.  Since when did shaming and bullying people make them strong?  I know what it will do for life for these kids – because I was a fat kid too.  It will be SHAME for life.  Low self worth for life.  Bullying for life.  Avoiding medical care for life.  Hating yourself for life.  It will not be strong, happy, healthy, empowered for life if we allow this to continue.

Well I’m happy to say that we’re not just letting this one slide.  A whole lot of fat activists have taken up the sword and are fighting this one in a whole lot of ways.  There is a website, called Stand 4 Kids, which is directly in response to the campaign, and is aggregating a lot of information on the campaign and ways to combat the shaming and bullying.  There is a petition on change.org that you can sign to demand the end to weight stigma and the cessation of this campaign.  There is a facebook group you can request to join, to get information and share news on how to combat this horrible campaign.

But my favourite so far is the series of response posters Marilyn Wann is making that mimic the repulsive fat loathing propaganda from Strong 4 Life, but share a whole different message – one of positivity, respect, strong self esteem, dignity and kindness.  Here is Marilyn’s:

How fabulous is that?  There are a whole bunch of them, from fat activists of all shapes, sizes and walks of life.  Many of them you’ll find on Marilyn’s Tumblr.

Another favourite of mine is this one from Linda Bacon, author of Health at Every Size (which is currently on sale for $1.79 in Kindle version on Amazon – works on Kindle, and the Kindle app on iOS and Android):

Seriously – how awesome are these?  What fantastic messages to send out to ALL people about their bodies and optimising their health.

Well, you know, I couldn’t let this fantastic campaign go by without contributing myself.  So I sent Marilyn a photo and a statement, and she made one for me!

I’m totally chuffed with it.  I really wanted something joyous and happy – since those images from Strong 4 Life are so miserable and shamed.  I want people to find joy in their lives and joy in their bodies.

So, will you all stand with us?  Will you join us in standing against fat stigma and body shaming, especially for kids?  No matter how you choose to participate, every action helps and is welcome.

We can and ARE making a difference.

I do appreciate all of your thanks, and I do this for all of us, but collectively we have to put some more cohesive effort into this.  We are customers, we have money to spend, we know what we want, and it’s time we collectively drove the market where we, as the consumers, want it to go.

People often ask me how I’ve managed to get audience with major retailers on the subject of plus-size clothing.  How?  I ask them.  It really is just that – no magic trick, no major talent, no major effort.  We need to ask more often.  We need to ask together.  We need to ask in a clearer manner.

I have worked in some form of customer service for most of the past 25 years.  And the sad truth of it is that most unhappy customers have no idea how to complain constructively.  To be honest, for every decent constructive criticism, there are 20 illegible, unreasonable, hostile, often bullying complaints.  So it’s REALLY hard for many businesses to weed out the genuine constructive feedback to be able to take any action.

This isn’t to say that a lot of businesses really do ignore their customers, particularly we fat customers.  We do get written off in so many instances with either formula responses or just “You’re being too sensitive/asking too much.”  We’ve seen evidence of it right here on the blog where a prominent online store told us we should just “learn to sew” when I raised that I’d like to see their collection go to larger sizes.  Another major Australian plus-size fashion chain patently ignores complaints as if they’ll go away… and sadly they often do.

However, one of the things that drives me absolutely up the wall about plus-size fashion pages on Facebook (or those who have blogs/Twitter) is the amount of whining that happens.  I know how frustrating it is when these companies don’t listen.  But I can’t tell you the number of times I see people complaining about things that if they actually set foot in the store (or checked the website properly), they’d find weren’t even an issue.  My pet hate is people whinging they want sleeves and if they just went into a store, they’d find that at least half the stock is sleeved!  What they really want is NO sleeveless at all, and that’s unfair to those of us who do want sleeveless. (That goes for a whole lot of other things too.)  Or those who complain about something going on sale that they paid full price for last week.  HELLO – that’s the nature of retail, that’s got nothing to do with plus-size stores.  That is just how retail works – you either pick the thing up when it’s full price because you want it, or you take your chances and try to get it on sale.

But those things can also work in our favour.  In a sea of whinging, a reasoned, respectful and clear criticism can stand out amongst the noise.  For example, when 20 comments are “You suck, I want sleeves!!”, a comment saying “I was in your store yesterday, and I noticed that you don’t have any plus-sized corporate wear.  Are you expecting any in the near future?  It’s really hard to dress professionally when no stores offer corporate wear for plus-sizes.” stands RIGHT out.  You give them a clear message as to what you’re looking for and you give them an actual question to answer, and most importantly, you let them know you actually shop in their stores and have looked at what they already offer.

I was asked on the last post how my meeting with Target Australia came about.  It came about because I was in my local Target and was dismayed to see they had considerably reduced their plus-size section, and moved it to an awful location.  I left them a note on their Facebook (you can see it here) and mentioned it around my social networks because I knew other people had the same thoughts.  A few of them commented on it.  A whole lot of other people that I didn’t know also commented on it.  A conversation ensued on the thread, and I was very conscious of trying to keep the feedback constructive.  After a few days, once Target clearly had some time to discuss it with their team, they responded with a contact email for anyone who was interested in talking to them about their wants and needs in plus-size clothing.  I emailed the address and expressed my eagerness to help them get it right, while also reiterating the issues I had and gave them my contact details.  From there, it all happened.

And looking back over my work with Autograph Fashion – almost the same thing happened – it started with their Facebook page and went from there.

You can do this too.  In fact, you need to do it too.  We all do.

Ok I’ll admit, I do have the gift of the gab.  I can write/talk and I’m a quick thinker.  That does work in my favour.  But guess what?  I’m happy to share that, I’m happy to let my fellow fatties use the stuff I do with businesses to build their own constructive feedback.  In fact, I’m even happy to help you with proof reading and stuff if you really want me to.  But here is the basic method that works for me.  Of course, you have to be genuine in your feedback, but you can do that with a method.  Let’s see:

1. Tell them when and where you encountered the problem.
2. Tell them exactly what the problem is.
3. Tell them why it is a problem.
4. Ask them if they already have any plans in place that will rectify the problem.
5. Tell them what you need to solve the problem.
6. If they get anything right, tell them that.
7. Tell them that you want to continue to be their customer.
8. Thank them for their time.

Want an example?  Here, I’ll make a potted one up:

Dear Store.  I was in your [location] store on Friday and I was disappointed to see that you have no plus-sized swimwear this season.  I have been looking for a swimsuit and in the past have bought them from your store, but unfortunately could not this time.  Are you planning to get any swimwear in stock in the near future?  I’m really looking for a plus-sized swimsuit in size 26, that has good bust support.  I know I can usually find good quality garments from you, that are reasonably priced, and I was hoping to do so again.   I hope you can help me with this matter, thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Ok that one is more of a request than a complaint, but here, let’s try a complaint:

Dear Store.  I was in your [location] store last week and found that the quality of your plus-sized stock has really dropped since last season.  I have noticed the fabrics are all synthetics, and are very thin and don’t hold their shape.  This means that your garments are now expensive for the quality received, and no longer last or keep their shape.  Will you be continuing to use the manufacturer that you are currently using, or do you have plans to find a better quality one?  I’m really looking for garments in natural fibres that will hold their shape and are constructed well.  Particularly around the neckline and bust.  Last season you had some beautiful dresses that were of a lovely soft cotton blend knit, I bought several of those and wore them a lot.  I would love to see you have more stock like that, and would really bulk up  my wardrobe if you had these kinds of garments.  Particularly as it’s really difficult to find decent plus-size clothing anywhere, it would be fantastic to see good quality clothes in your store.  I hope to see the quality of your stock improve in the near future, and look forward to hearing from you soon on this matter.  Thank you for your time.

I know, it’s wordy.  But when you’re getting complaints like “I hate your clothes!” and “The fabric your clothes are made of sucks!”, a paragraph like the above stands out, and shows that you’re reasonable and are willing to continue being their customer if they solve the problem.  I’ve found that those people who whine the most are usually not giving the business any custom anyway.

That’s the important thing too – when they do make positive changes, and do get it right, spend your money there.  Reward them for getting it right.

But look, the most important thing is that they hear from all of us.  Individually, it’s bloody hard work to make a difference.  But collectively, we CAN and DO change things.  I’m not doing this on my own – it’s a combined effort of every cohesive, constructive criticism that these businesses get and the voting we do with our money.  You have a head start over a lot of people – you are here so you have an internet connection, and you can read.  Those are the first two tools you need!

I urge all of you to take the time to contact and talk to the businesses you want to see change in.  Ask them for what you want.  For those that ignore you, walk away from them completely and give someone else your money, someone who values you as a customer.  Don’t forget to tell everyone who gets it right and who gets it wrong too – word of mouth is valuable marketing currency for businesses too.

We WILL change things.  We already have, we just have more work to do.  Who’s in with me?

So we spent some considerable time talking over a coffee about plus-size clothing – from all aspects – from my own personal taste and style, through to the politics of fashion and style, the diversity of needs of plus-size customers, garment construction, fabric quality, price, fitting plus-size bodies, store layout, customer experience, marketing… the list goes on.  We then went down into the store and went through the very small plus-size section, had a look at about half of the straight-size selection (and talked about how no matter your taste, everyone in straight-sizes is catered to, yet plus-sizes have pretty much one or two basic themes) and went through the exercise wear, because I brought up the ridiculous double standards of “Exercise fatty!!” but there being no suitable exercise clothes for anyone over a size 18!

In fact, while we were in the exercise wear, a woman came up to us and asked Trudy and Lynn if they were taking customer feedback, and quite passionately expressed her frustration at not being able to find suitable and practical shorts for exercising in.  She echoed pretty much the same thing I was telling them!

And finally they showed me a bunch of samples and drawings to get an idea of the kind of things that appeal to me and how I felt about the ones they had there.

I also talked to them about the politics and psychology of fashion for fat women, the way that fat women are othered by the media and general culture, and how marketing that suggests we need to hide our bodies or blend into the surroundings at all do not inspire us to spend money – quite the opposite.

All in all, it was over 3 hours and I talked their ears off – but they were both interested and engaged, enthusiastic about making customers happy, asked plenty of intelligent questions and were willing to rethink some of their perspectives about plus-size clothing.  They took copious notes (I’ll be kind and send them some links and dot points – it was a LOT of information!) and assured me that Target Australia will be rethinking their approach to plus-size clothing.

Bear in mind that a company like this plans for up to a year in advance with clothing lines, so it will take time to see any changes come through.

So, I went through all of the responses I got back from you here and on the #targetplus thread on Twitter, and broke them down into 10  key things we want to see (pretty much everything listed fits into these 10 categories in some way):

1. The same clothes as straight-sizes with comparable prices.
2. FASHION – on trend styles, colours and prints.
   
3. “Young” clothes. Clothes that are aimed at women under 50, and under 30 that aren’t “party wear”.
   
4. More bra/underwear/sleepwear options – particularly over size 20 and in large cup sizes, and in pretty/sexy/fashionable styles.
5. Scaling of garments – an understanding that not all plus-size bodies are shaped the same or the same height and that larger does not mean longer/bigger arm & neck holes.
6. Plus-sized clothing for all aspects of life – professional, maternity, social, exercise, swimwear and so on.
7. Natural fabrics.
8. Structure of garments – eg, underwire in swimwear, straps/necklines to cover plus-sized bras, crotch levels in the appropriate place, necklines that are between choking-mega cleavage and so on.
9. Plus-sized accessories – tights, boots, belts that are fashionable and fit to the upper sizes.
10. Basics/classics in plain colours other than black and white – cami’s, cardigans, tank tops, t-shirts, jeans and so on.

For an extra couple of points – many would like to see plus-size cater to size 32AU and let’s not forget all of the above for plus-sized men as well.

On top of that, a few marketing things:

1. Location in store – not at the back, not behind the shoes, not next to Maternity.  Somewhere that says the store is as proud and welcoming to plus-sized customers as they are everyone else.
2. Positive marketing – no hide your body messages.
3. Actually bothering with marketing to plus-sized customers.  Not just a page jammed in the catalogue.
4. Designer/celebrity ranges.

I will be sending an email to Trudy and Lynn with this information and a bunch of links to show them lots of fatshion and what other businesses are doing right.

One important message I have for you all though, particularly those of you here in Australia since I’ve spoken to Target Australia – if you see positive changes to Target’s plus-size merchandise, buy it.  Put your money where your mouth is.  There is no use complaining if you’re not going to spend your money if they make positive changes.  And be sure to tell other people about them when they get it right.  It’s really important to reward those who make the effort and get it right.

Hopefully this is the beginning of some really positive steps towards improving the plus-size options from Target Australia, and I’ll keep you all posted with anything I hear in the future.

I am meeting with some folk from Target Australia head office this afternoon to talk about plus-sized clothing and specifically their Moda range.

I have asked this question on Twitter and started the #Targetplus hashtag so that I can aggregate the responses into a useful list for the folk at Target.  I thought I would pop it up here for those of you non-tweeps and for anyone that needs a little more than 140 characters.

What would you like to see in plus-sized clothing from a major retailer like Target?

Now, I do ask that you keep your responses short and sweet as I don’t want to overwhelm these folks just yet.  A few dot points would be the best format.

For example, mine are:

• A range of basics including maternity, underwear, swimwear and exercise wear to at least size 26.
• The same fashion trends as offered in straight sizes.
• A prominent, proud, well-presented location in store.
• More bra options for larger plus-sizes.

Leave your answers in the comments, I’ll compile them up and share them with the folk at Target Australia.

Anyway, that’s not why I’m here tonight.  I’m here tonight to let you know that there’s something you no longer have to do.  You don’t have to prove anything about your body or your health to anyone.  I want you to give yourself permission to completely stop justifying your body, your health, your fatness, your weight… anything to do with your body or health to ANYONE at all.

We do live in a culture that seems to encourage people to demand others justify their bodies, what they eat, how much (or how little) activity they do, their health, their weight – pretty much everything about their bodies.  Particularly women – so often our bodies are objectified and seen as public property, which people feel is acceptable to question and even physically handle without invitation.  Ask any woman who has been visibly pregnant how many people touch her belly, or ask personal questions about her health and the birth of her baby.

When you’re a highly visible fat woman, as we fat activists are, people are constantly demanding you justify your bodies and health.  They want you to PROVE you’re just as worthy as any other human being by divulging your eating and activity.  They demand proof that you’re not costing the taxpayer money/driving up health care costs.  They ask personal questions about your menstrual cycle, your skin, your strength, your joints, your heart, your blood pressure or blood sugar levels.  They demand you prove that you’re not in pain, that you can walk, that you can do the things you mention you do.  I get people demanding proof that I ride my bicycle, because you know, fat people can’t ride bicycles.

How the fuck is any of that anyone’s business but the person who owns the body in question?  I mean really!

Besides, how much ableism is tied up in all of that as well?  As if anyone is under any obligation to be illness free or fully able-bodied.

We spend so much time justifying our place on this earth by proving that fat people can be active, can be healthy, are contributing members of society and such.  I see blog post after blog post, tweet after tweet, facebook status after facebook status, you name it, pushing back against this constant demand of “Explain yourself, fatty!”

I’m afraid I’m not playing that game any more.  It’s not our job to educate people about fatness.  It’s not our job to justify our existence.  It’s not our job to prove that we are worthy of the basic, fundamental human right of dignity and respect, and the right to live our lives in peace without discrimination and stigmatisation.

We do not owe that to anyone.

We have more important shit to deal with in our lives.  What’s important in your life?  Is it proving that you’re a worthy, valuable member of society?  Or is it your family, your friends, your career, your hobbies, your passions, your pets, your time?

No more will I be answering to that call to “Explain yourself, fatty!”  It’s pretty much flogging a dead horse anyway – no matter what we tell these people who demand we explain ourselves, they’re not going to listen.  Not to mention that they only accuse us of hostility anyway – as though it’s ok for them to demand we justify our health and our bodies, but are offended when we tell them to mind their own damn business.

Instead I am here for YOU, my peers, my fellow fatties.  I am here to show you that you ARE valuable, you ARE worthy members of society.  I am here to show you that you CAN be happy, confident and fulfilled, without losing an ounce.

I am here to live my life visibly, so that there is a representation of an unapologetic fat woman somewhere in the world (there are in fact, lots of us!), and encourage you to live your lives.  Anyone who wants to hold you or I back from that can kiss my fat arse.

Let’s start defining self advocacy.  This excellent definition comes from EDAC but you can find lots of similar versions on many social justice sites.  I like the simple language of this particular definition:

Self-advocacy is the ability to speak-up for yourself and the things that are important to you. Self-advocacy means you are able to ask for what you need and want and tell people about your thoughts and feelings. Self-advocacy means you know your rights and responsibilities, you speak-up for your rights, and you are able to make choices and decisions that affect your life. The goal of self-advocacy is for YOU to decide what you want then develop and carry out a plan to help you get it. It does not mean you can’t get help if you need or want it, it just means that you are making the choices and you have to be responsible for the choices you make.

Rembember, that as adults, our bodies, health and lives belong to us.  They do not belong to anyone else – not your family, not your employer, not your doctor.  Your body is yours to decide what to do with, what you feed them, how you move them and how you care for them.  You decide who you allow to touch them and engage in sexual activity with.  YOU are the boss of your body.

Fat people continually find themselves having our self advocacy removed from us.  We are constantly told that we don’t know our own bodies, aren’t competent to make decisions about our health and wellbeing, are “out of control” and we have our realities questioned repeatedly.  We are regularly accused of lying about what we eat and how active we are, or at least being in denial.  Our right to speak for ourselves and make decisions about our own lives is removed from us when people engage in this kind of behaviour.

When it comes to health care, it’s a bloody minefield to get decent, respectful, helpful medical care as a fat person.  We are judged incompetent to self advocate on sight of our fat bodies, are patronised, disrespected and discriminated against by the very medical professionals who we pay, either through our own payments, our private health insurance or our tax dollars, to care for us.  So often, lazy medical professionals look at us and prescribe weight loss for everything from a sore throat through to cancer.

Just to give you a prime example, some years ago (before I found my awesome Doc Jo), I hit my knee on a fence while riding my bicycle and bruised under the kneecap quite severely.  It was taking ages to heal so I went to the doctor, and even though I explained to her that it was sore because I whacked it on a metal fence while riding a bicycle, her response was “You need to do some exercise and lose some weight.”  I repeated that I actually got the injury WHILE exercising, to which she repeated “You need to do some exercise and lose some weight.”  She must have said that to me four or five times, no matter how I tried to phrase that I had got the injury while cycling.   She wasn’t listening to me at all, and it was like the only thing she could hear or see from me was “Fat!  Fat!  Fat!  Fat!  Fat!  Fat!”

It’s tough going to a doctor or any other health professional knowing that you’re likely to be shamed or ignored.  Not to mention many people don’t have the option to go to another health care provider if they don’t get treated with respect from the one they are allocated.  Thing is, we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are the owners and decision makers for our bodies and that we are the ones who actually pay for the services – again, be it through direct payment, private health insurance or our taxes contributing to public health insurance.  You are well within your rights to stop a health care provider and say, firmly and clearly “I will not consider obesity a suitable diagnosis nor weight loss a suitable treatment method, I am here to be treated for my illness/injury, not my body size.”

The good news is, you’re not alone.  We have a strong community of fabulous fat positive people who know exactly what we are going through, as they have experienced it themselves.  We have a network of Health at Every Size professionals who can give us advice and remind us of our core believes in those vulnerable times.  We also have resources from within our community, from fab fatties who have put together letters to health care practitioners, lists of fat positive health professionals and social media communities based around health and wellbeing for fat positive people.  Just off the top of my head, ones I have used are:

• The All Bodies Directory
• Raising My Boychick’s Letter, Dear Health Care Provider
• Dr Linda Bacon’s HaES resources.
• Diet-free Talk for Diabetes/Insulin Issues – Facebook Group
• Fierce Fatties Facebook group (run by the amazing Virgie Tovar)

These are just a few that I personally have found really helpful and wonderful, please feel free to add any others in the comments.

However we of course don’t just deal with health care professionals removing our self advocacy about our bodies, but lots of other people in our lives do it too.  From friends, family and colleagues through to complete strangers, both on the street and on the internet.  Many people LOVE to tell fat people we don’t know how to look after our own bodies, and to predict our imminent deaths.   I think Amanda aka Fat Waitress from Love Your Body Detroit hit the nail on the head when she said:

I’m convinced those who think fat people are going to die and need to tell us repeatedly really fear death. By pointing at the fatty in the corner it makes them feel that their death is somehow farther off than ours.

Ding! Ding! Ding!  First prize to Amanda for summing it up perfectly.  Thing is, it’s a lie.  We all die someday, and that will be when our time comes.  Thin people die young, fat people die old.  And shaming someone about their perceived health isn’t going to change that one iota.

I also think they do it to feel superior to someone.  So long as they’ve got someone to look down on, they can cope with their own fears, low self esteem and general self loathing.

So I’ll leave you with this.  I want you to always remember that YOU own your body.  You are in charge of what you do with your health, your life, your body.  Every one of us will suffer illness and injury in our lives, fat, thin or somewhere in between, because human bodies are both vulnerable and complex.  But how you deal with those illnesses and injuries is your business.  How you decide to treat your body along the path of your life, and through good times and bad is your choice, not anyone else’s.

Anyone who tries to take that self advocacy away from you is undermining your competency.  Don’t let them take that away from you, no matter what size you are or what status your health is in.

Now, on to today’s post!

I think it’s time to talk about concern.  I’ve noticed a phenomenon, one where people don’t seem to recognise what is legitimate concern for someone’s wellbeing, and what is concern trolling for the sake of sticking your nose up in someone’s business, or using it as an excuse to shame them or make oneself feel superior.

So let’s talk about it, and learn to recognise what is genuine concern, and what is concern trolling.

Genuine concern is ok.  In fact, it’s part of what bonds us as social beings.  When someone we care about, a family member or friend, or even a colleague, is not their usual selves, when something just doesn’t seem right, or when we actually know they are unwell, and we are worried about them, we are genuinely concerned about them.  That friend who seems to have lost their energy, the colleague who has gone from calm and productive to stressed and struggling, the family member who just isn’t their usual self.  Or someone you know who is actually suffering illness (because they’ve told you they are).  It’s perfectly acceptable to ask after their wellbeing.  Things like:

• Are you ok?
• You don’t seem like your usual self, is everything alright?
• Can I help with anything?
• If you want to talk, you know I’m available for you ok?
• How are you coping with [insert illness or injury they have told you about here]?

Do know, that you shouldn’t do it because you’re curious, but because you genuinely want to help.  And also know, that if someone says they’re fine, the answer is not to nag them about it, but to say “Please know that I’m here to listen/help if you need it ok?”  Sure, sometimes “I’m fine.” is a way to fob you off when someone doesn’t want to bother you, or because they’re ashamed/embarrassed about needing help, but sometimes it’s also just “I’m fine.”

However, it is not ok to suggest someone has an illness, or that they might get an illness due to their behaviour or body.  It’s not ok to say to that friend eating a donut “Be careful, you’ll get diabetes.” or any other illness or injury.  Even if you know someone has an illness or injury, unless they have spoken directly about it in your presence, it’s not ok to question them on it.  For example, I can’t tell you the number of people who have actually asked me what my blood sugar readings are like since they found out I am diabetic.  NONE OF YOUR FUCKIN’ BUSINESS PAL!

Now, on to what constitutes concern trolling – a little 101 on how to prove yourself nothing but a trolling douchebag who doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s health but wants to shame people for their weight:

• Stating that someone being fat is unhealthy – and then suggesting they kill themselves to save us all money.
• Stating that someone being fat is unhealthy – and then bitching about how much it costs the taxpayer money.
• Stating that someone being fat is unhealthy – and then diagnosing by looking at them (or a photograph of them) that they are going to explode from hernias, high blood pressure, heart attacks, arthritis and any other number of illnesses often correlated (but never causally linked to) fat.
• Shaming someone for suffering any injury or illness by pointing out that they “caused” it because they are fat.
• Stating “I’m concerned about your health!” without knowing ANYTHING about that person other than they have a fat body.
• Attributing laziness or gluttony to someone just because they have a fat body.
• Accusing someone of being irresponsible about their health because they have a fat body.
• Demanding people prove their health, or give you information about their health and wellbeing.
• Claiming people are “in denial” about their health, or their future health.
• Insisting that you know about their health better than they do.

If you do any of the things that I’ve just listed above, you are nothing more than a bully and a troll.  There, I’m saying it out loud and clear.  I’ll say it again:

If you engage in any of the behaviours in the list above, you are a bully and a troll and you need to stop that shit right now.

I know I sound like a broken record, but I have to keep saying it over and over and over again – If it’s not your body, it’s not your business.

It’s not a difficult concept.

Next time you feel like commenting on or judging someone’s health or wellbeing, ask yourself “Is it my body?”  If the answer is no, then shut the fuck up and mind your own business.

Fatties – the next time someone tries to concern troll you, just ask them – “Is it your body?” Again, if the answer is no, tell them to shut the fuck up and mind their own business.

You don’t have to be nice, be polite, be pleasing, to anyone who concern trolls you.  You don’t have to tolerate their behaviour.  You don’t have to “respect their opinion”.  You don’t have to “not rock the boat”, or “don’t take it seriously”.  If someone is up in your business telling you what to do with your body and your health, rock the damn boat all you like, and take it as seriously as you feel you need to.  It’s YOUR body, YOUR health and YOUR life.  You get to choose what you do with it, and who you allow to have any interaction with it.

Take no fucking prisoners!

However, after stumbling across some douchecanoe on Twitter whining about being offended by seeing “fat, lazy people”, I’ve decided that I have a goal for 2012.  Are you ready for it?

Here it is…

I am going to be willfully fat this year.  Offensively, obnoxiously fat.  All over the damn place.  In fact, I’m fatting at all of you right now.

I’m so fucking sick of people being all offended at fatness.  I am sick of people expecting fat people to hide themselves away out of public sight, never being seen at the shops, at the gym, in the workplace, on the street.  I’ve had enough of people complaining that they saw someone’s fat arse, arms, belly, thighs, whatever.  I’m tired of being told that fat people should cover our bodies, wear dark, minimising, flattering clothing.  That we shouldn’t be seen in leggings, tights, sleeveless tops, short shirts, tight jeans, swimsuits and short skirts.  I’m sick of fat people being told they should starve themselves, never eat.  I’m royally fucking fed up with being expected to hide myself away like I’m something to be ashamed of.  I’m over being hated simply because I exist in a fat body.

Yet of course, we’re also told that we don’t get out and exercise enough, that we don’t do anything but sit at home and eat.

What do you fucking want fat loathers?  Seriously, we’re either out in public being our fat selves, or we’re at home where you can’t see us.  You can’t have both!

So here’s my 12 step plan for my year of living fatly – it shouldn’t be too hard, I’ve been living fatly now for over 25 years.

1. Be fat in public.
2. Live while fat.
3. Work while fat.
4. Dress fashionably fat.
5. Be fat in the company of my friends.
6. Ride my bike while fat.
7. Swim while fat – in a swimsuit, yikes!
8. Expose my fat arms, fat thighs, fat belly and fat arse in public.
9. Laugh and have fun while being fat.
10. Celebrate other fab fatties.
11. Eat in public while being fat.
12. Unashamedly love myself while being unashamedly fat.

It’s so hard for society at large to believe that fat people have lives, loves, careers, hobbies, passions, style, intelligence, humour and value that I’m going to live my whole life doing all those things, having all those things, while being fat.  Not to prove to society at large that we do have those things, but to be someone that other fat people can see and hear.  To be a visible fat person breaking the mold.

But most of all, because none of us, not you, not me, not anyone, has to live their lives surreptitiously for fear of offending someone’s delicate sensibilities with our fatness.  No more furtiveness about living life.  It’s there to be lived, and I’m going to be fatting all over it.

Being Fat in an Ikea Show Room (yeah, I wear that top a lot!)

I thought I’d have a first post for the year which is a bit of a recap of all the adventures I’ve been on in 2011, and the hot topics I’ve talked about this past year.  It’s been a big year for me, so how about we have a look at it month by month?

January

Flooding at South Bank

• Who in Brisbane could forget the floods of mid-January?
• Then there was Operation Baldy, when I shaved my long, hot pink hair off for charity.
• We talked about being a fat acceptance n00b, and about not being superwoman.

February

• We talked about food and some of the fucked up attitudes we have to eating, especially for women.
• We also got into the subject of fat people being lazy, and how there is a perception that fat people “just sit“.
• I was interviewed for the Triple J Hack programme.
• I made a public service announcement about health and bodies.
• I started doing some podcasts with Nicole and Anna – Super Fats!

March

I Got Tattooed!

• I wrote you a letter.  Yes, YOU.
• We saw the story of the bullying that a young Australian man named Casey finally fought back against.
• We talked about how freedom of speech does not equal freedom from criticism.
• Most fun I had of the month – I interviewed a whole pile of fab fatties about clothing and fatshion in response to Leslie Cannold’s snark about fatshionistas!

April

• I started the month by asking some important questions of the thin white women of the media.
• We talked about how there is an assumption that fat people should simply not eat.  Ever.
• #thingsfatpeoplearetold happened on Twitter, and I talked about the reactions of non-fat people.
• And I talked about the bullshit attitude of judgement of others for their appearance and how I deal with those snarky thoughts myself.

May

Brisbane SlutWalk

• I joined in Blogging Against Disablism Day
• We talked about “bad” foods and how impossible it is to maintain the eating habits a diet culture pushes on fat people.
• I wrote you another letter.  Yes, I am talking about YOU!

June

• I was diagnosed with, and came out as having Type 2 Diabetes.
• We talked about stareable bodies and on not doing, just being.
• And I wrote an open letter to Rebecca Sparrow.

July

• July was a very reflective month for me, where I really looked at what I’m doing with my fat activism.  For me, central to this is the right of self advocacy.
• I also hit on that old chestnut “But fatties are costing us taxpayer money!“
• We talked about the term “flattering” and how it applies to fat activism.
• And I let you know that your body is NOT Voldemort.

August

It's Just a Cookie - Not the AntiChrist

• I talked about why I don’t diet.
• Two guest posts – both from Rebecca’s!  A fashion review from Bek, and a weight loss surgery story from Becky.
• I got ranty about the demonisation of diabetes.
• I started the Breaking Down Fat Stigma series with a post on Shame.
• And we talked about the supposed “threat” that fatshion poses.

September

• Another in the Breaking Down Fat Stigma series – Anger.
• We talked about how much time we’ve wasted on trying to lose weight and asked just how dieting is supposed to benefit our health.
• I declared that I am nobody’s freak show.

October

More New Ink!

• We looked at the power of fat community.
• Identity was a hot topic, with another Breaking Down Fat Stigma post – Fat as Identity and one about my own definition of my identity.
• Steve Jobs died.
• I started my Inspirational Women series with Bri King and Not Blue at All.
• And I brazenly encouraged all of you to flaunt your fat.

November

• I interviewed Marilyn Wann as one of my Inspirational Women series.
• We looked at Miss Piggy and Plus Size Fashion (my most viewed post ever!)
• I wrote an open letter to medical professionals.
• Foxie did an awesome guest post about her experiences as a fat woman on public transport.

December

Cheese!

• We took on an experiment – in looking for the best in people and ourselves.  (How did you go by the way?)
• I got very angry about the amount of shaming of women for what they wear, particularly leggings!
• We got talking about the gift of being able to tell our stories.
• And my favourite post of the month, I highlighted a whole lot of amazing tattooed, candy-haired women.

See?  Seriously big year.  I can’t believe I’ve packed so much into just one year.  But it has been awesome every step of the way, even the difficult bits.

Let me take this opportunity to thank all of you, dear readers, for travelling along with me on this trip of a year, and I hope you’ll stick around as my travelling companions into the future.

May I wish you all a positively abundant new year, filled with joy and laughter and the occasional cookie.