Ok it’s not really about sex, not yet anyway. But stick with me here. I’m going to talk about dating as a fat woman tonight.
You may know already, but I am a single fat woman over 35. I know, I know, I’m on the shelf. Or so a 42 year old man who lived with his mother told me on a dating site once. I told him to go fuck himself, I’m on a pedestal, not a shelf.
Anyway, I’ve had an ongoing conversation with my friend Shane about dating and people’s prejudices. Shane is Asian and while a married man these days, he has told me that he had some really bad experiences with white women being very prejudiced against Asian men. Which I am sure happens often, but I’ve thought a bit about it and I’m not sure it’s about the women being white so much as being shallow.
However, I have to say, as a fat woman, I am more than happy to date an Asian man, but I’m not sure there are many Asian men who are happy to date fat women. See what I mean about shallowness? It’s not about me being white that is the problem, it’s about not meeting some kind of shallow aesthetic.
That double standard seems all over the place. I also know a bloke who claims he never gets any dates because he’s short. Yet he won’t date a fat woman. And I know LOTS of fat men who won’t date fat women!
Personally, I find tall, short, thin, fat, dark, fair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, long hair, no hair, and so on attractive in the right man. Most of the famous men I develop crushes on have something a bit odd about them, that other women go “Oh but ewww, he’s got…” William McInnes has a huge nose. Zachary Quinto has mega eyebrows (and is really hairy all over). Chris Garver is skinny and all arms and legs. Jamie Hyneman has that big moustache and is as bald as an egg. Craig Ferguson also has a big nose and a pasty white body. But all of them are sexy men simply because they are who they are, funny, smart, talented, kind, honest etc.
In my relationship history, I went out with a man who was considered REALLY handsome by a lot my friends. I got lots of comments about how good looking he was, and I used to notice other women throwing themselves at him when we were out. But he turned out to be a MASSIVE douchebag who was more interested in himself than he was a relationship with anyone normal.
But that said, I am a single woman who is on the market and I don’t believe that being fat excludes me from the dating world. For all the shallow douchebags out there that think they’re going to land themselves a Lara Bingle despite being a Jack Black, a Nick Frost or Dwayne Dibley themselves, there are lovely guys out there who see a woman for who she really is, not what size her clothing is or what the number is on a scale.
However dating for the fat lady is a tough world. Because the old self esteem gets an extra heavy duty workout, with so many people out there to put you down, make disparaging or patronising comments, or generally just insult you. It’s hard work to keep the self esteem good and strong in the face of that kind of treatment.
You’d think that if a guy likes you enough to ask you out, he’d not be one to make disparaging comments about your body right? Not quite so true. I recently had a guy ask me out, and then in the next breath said “I have no problem dating fat women, you know?”
Oh really Captain Tactful? Well I have a problem dating patronising men. Buh-bye!
I am determined not to let the douchebags and losers out there keep me from dating, because I do know there are great guys out there, and I believe there’s a great guy out there for me who will value me for the smart, funny, kind, sassy, beautiful woman I am.