Dating for Fatties: 101

Published September 7, 2009 by Fat Heffalump
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I recently got a lovely email from a lady named Helen in response to my post “Sex and the Single Fatty”. Helen shared with me her own dating experiences (she’s about my age) and is looking for some positive, affirming advice for the single fatty over 30. She has asked a few questions, but I’ll give you an idea of where she is coming from.
She’s doing the online dating thing, and says:
I like how chemistry.com allows folks to state what body types they are attracted to: guys who only want women who are slender/toned/about average are guys I instantly delete as matches: this takes a lot of the pressure off of me when I GET to the date, because I know that the guy in question has stated and openness or attraction to larger women.

Kudos to Helen for putting herself out there and filtering out the douchebags from the get-go. She then goes on to say though:
1) This means that I am deleting about 90% of the matches I’m given, which takes a toll on me eventually, and 2) I hate, hate, hate how often guys say (as one match I just got did) that they want women who “take care of themselves” and “have self respect for their appearance”. Of course, I do do both of those things, but I know full well that he means that he wants a thin girl; he just can’t bring himself to say that. Reading those sorts of comments over and over and then deleting the match… I think it takes a toll on me. I’ve also wondered about the BBW dating sites. Has anyone reading this had good experiences with those?

So let’s talk about it my fellow lovely fatties? What are your thoughts and experiences?
I tried the whole online dating myself and found it very demoralising, just as Helen has mentioned. Not only because there are a lot of douchebags out there, but also because I feel that without you being face to face, there are many people who find it much easier to be rude and even nasty via email or a website. Where if they met you face to face somewhere, one would think they’re more likely to be polite and respectful. As I mentioned on the earlier post linked above, I received a lot of douchebag comments and attitudes from internet dating.
Personally, I feel much more comfortable in just being social and meeting as many new people as I can. So long as I’m socially active, I’m opening myself up to meeting guys, and I hope that the people I meet and like also socialise with nice guys. I’m open to meeting guys that are friends, brothers, colleagues etc of people.
As for BBW dating sites in particular, I’ll be honest it kind of rankles with me. I don’t want some guy to date me simply because I’m fat. The same as I wouldn’t want a guy to only date me if I was thin. I want a man who wants to be with me because he likes who I am, not what I am. Does that make sense?
Personally I’m looking for someone who is more interested in me as a person than just the surface stuff. To all the guys out there, I say…
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So the floor is open ladies (and any gents that are reading). How do those of you who are single negotiate the world of fatty dating? For those of you fatties who are coupled up, tell us how you got that way! And if there are any fellas reading, give us your perspective on da fat ladeez in the dating world.

21 comments on “Dating for Fatties: 101

  • As a "gent" reading, I have to say that there isn't a woman out there I don't think is beautiful. I know that doesn't do much for a woman's self-esteem when I tell her she's beautiful and mention that all women, by the very nature of being women (goddesses?) are beautiful, but I'm married and my wife doesn't seem to care when I tell other women that because she knows that I'm not saying these things as a come-on but because I believe it and it's important that women know it.

    Again, that doesn't really help Helen, though. I would say that as demoralizing as it is to cross off 90% of matches (and hear part of the other 10% of people make false assumptions about the relationship between her size and the way she cares for herself), it's a lot better than getting to a date and being told something comparable to what they're posting as their preferred body type. Online dating is a tricky thing in all capacities, though, and I think it's safe to say that Helen isn't the only one who's not having a lot of luck – thin or fat.

    Not that you need to be told this, Helen, because it sounds like you do have confidence, but I still think that most of what's important in a woman's appearance is the way she holds herself. If she stands upright, makes eye contact and is well-kempt, regardless of size, then who cares about size? That doesn't mean doing that is going to make men come drooling, but I think it goes a long way in setting a woman apart from other women by way of long-term mate potential.

    Just my two cents, and perhaps not worth much more, but I wish you all the luck in the world finding what you want. As someone who desperately wanted to find a partner, I can say that I was alone until I stopped looking – for what it's worth.

  • Perhaps you guys could mentally re-frame the search a bit? You have the class to have standards based on principle and a commitment to shared dignity and respect. Other people are welcome to their preferences of course but just because you're in an apparent minority doesn't mean you're lesser, necessarily. Diamonds in the rough 'eh?😉

  • I went through the same thing with online dating, deleting all the ones who I could tell wanted a thin girl. I had two other strikes against me– smoking (which I KNOW is unhealthy and I'm working on it) and living in a rural area in the South. I thought it was pretty hopeless.

    But the reality is that even if you don't have to delete 90% right off the bat because of those factors, you'll end up having to delete them for other reasons of incompatibility, either before or after you meet them. Online dating is just a tool that enables compatible people to discover each other when they wouldn't ordinarily meet in other ways.

    It's so easy to get caught up in the numbers, and to have your hopes raised and dashed by an online wink or an email (or the lack thereof.) I certainly got caught up in it for a while. Any guy who gave me a second look was a potential partner, because so few did. But I eventually decided that most of THEM were the losers, and I wasn't going to waste my time on someone who didn't meet MY standards of being able to communicate intelligently (and SPELL fairly decently for pete's sake) and have something to say.

    When I went to meet my guy for our first date, I didn't have a lot of expectations, but the connection was instant. We've been together for 16 months now. I don't think I would never have met this man any other way besides online. The internet can connect people who would not otherwise meet, and in that way it is a tremendously powerful tool. But just because someone is on the net looking doesn't give them any special qualities (except for the fact that they are looking.)

    So my advice: pay the monthly fee as long as you can afford it, and let it work to widen your possibilities, but don't let yourself get sucked up into it, and don't let it define your self-worth.

  • I did use one of the free dating sites that a lot of people my age use…but I found most of the guys on there 1. weren't serious, 2. were complete douchebags, or 3. completely ignored me. So I didn't have any luck, and as school bills come first I've never done Chemistry or Match so I have no opinions on those.

    The way I met my guy was a girlfriend of mine messages me over the internet one day and says, "Hey, the only set criteria you have for a guy is no smoking, no drinking, good moral values right?" I replied that I was perfectly willing to wiggle on the smoking and drinking part so long as it was only one or two drinks sometimes and they didn't smell like a chimney. So she tells me she has just the guy for me. Turns out he's her future brother-in-law.😄 So we started chatting through windows live and we hit it off really really well. And now about 5-6 months later he's made plans to fly halfway around the world to see me. (He's stationed in S. Korea with the Airforce at the moment)So in a way it's online dating, but I didn't meet him on a site. I met him because one of my best friends decided to try and squish us together. So far it's worked out great. But because of the long distances we're waiting to see what kind of chemistry we have in person before we get any more serious.

  • Interesting post! I've done a bunch of types of online dating–free, match & eharmony, and bbw sites. I think the best results for me came from match, where I put up pics and described myself. But, I'm not at all sure that has to do with the site.
    One of the guys I dated for a while I met via craigslist which is free. I thought of it kind of like a casting call. I described myself and wrote what I wanted and then I filtered through the responses (this is when I lived in a big city, I'm not sure what I'd get now in a very small town). It was really empowering for me.
    I also use a free bbw site and I really like it, though a lot of the guys on the site are skeevy (but so are a lot of guys on all the other sites). I certainly don't think that the guys I meet on BBW sites only want to date me because I'm fat–to me that is really over-essentializing what BBW sites are about. I would never date a guy only because he was hot either. But, if I met a guy who was hot and had some other things going for him I'd probably be quicker to give him a shot than someone I found less attractive, or un-attractive.
    I think of BBW sites the same way. Some guys find BBW more attractive and they don't just go yes! I Want you fatty! I love the fatty and only want the fatty even if she's brain dead and mean and angry all the time!!! (although there are certainly a few guys like that). Some guys want a girl who is smart and funny and likes long walks on the beach and if they had to pick a girl from a group who had those same attributes they'd want to date the girl they were most attracted to and that would be the fat girl if that's who they prefer. I think of BBW sites as just that kind of filter. Hell, if there was a site that had men that were harier than normal, with dark hair, muscular arms and soft pudgy stomachs I would totally want to be a member! I would then sift through those guys looking for the guy who was also smart and funny etc… To me there's nothing wrong with that. But, that's just me.
    I actually find the guys that hit on me in reality (and not online/virtual reality) are often also skeevy. I haven't found much a difference. I think finding the few people you really connect with is hard whether in person or online and online can be a cool way to bring folks together.
    Just my two cents

  • Having a preference doesn't make one a douchebag. Stating that preference openly doesn't make one a douchebag. Openly stating preferences is a courtesy – without which, online dating would be terribly inefficient.

    Stop whining about it.

  • I met my future hubby on craigslist. I liked it was free, I didn't have to tell people what match.com or whatever site was important, I just wrote down exactly what I thought mattered. I was very very clear about my size and shape. That is sooo important!!!! Who wants someone who thinks your body type is ugly? My body type was not my BF's ideal but he thought my ad was smart and funny – everything else like my pizza dough belly, he learned to love.

    Rejection happens all the time, by the way. Everyone is rejected. You reject people and vice-versa.The trick is to say "Next" whenever you meet a dud.

  • Dear "Sports Pr*ck" (what a gentlemen):

    You said, "Having a preference doesn't make one a douchebag. Stating that preference openly doesn't make one a douchebag."

    How about a preference like, "No Jews. No blacks?"

    Yes, some preferences will make you a so-called "douchebag," because you are making a judgment call on those you don't even know yet. You are picking a physical characteristic or ethnic background and basing an opinion on it. Now that is what I call stupidity. But feel free to do so, because you are the one who will end up the loser in the end. Nobody wants to date an asshole.

  • Nope. It doesn't. That's what dating sites are for, to narrow down your prospects. That can only happen if prospects are entirely honest about what they are and what they want.

    They are doing you a favor, a courtesy.

  • Sports Prick – rule number one on this blog – you will comment with respect or you will be removed. Terms like "stop whining" are not welcome here, this is a place for the fat men and women of the world to voice their opinions, experiences, thoughts and emotions. I will not have someone sailing in and being disrespectful and rude on their first comment.

    Consider this your first and final warning.

  • Now, back to the subject at hand.

    Thank you all for posting, it's great to hear other's experiences. I will email Helen and make sure she knows this post and it's subsequent comments are here.

    Voicing preference based on external factors (physical appearance, skin colour, weight etc) is douchebaggery. There is no need to voice negative attitudes on a dating site or anywhere else. If you're shallow and have a preference for Size 8 white blondes in bikinis regardless of who they actually are (intelligence, honesty, etc), then don't approach anyone who doesn't fit that type on the dating site, and if they contact you, simply hit the delete/ignore button. You don't need to be a douchebag and respond with "You're too fat for me." or "I only date thin women/women who take care of themselves" or whatever. And that goes for the ladeez who are dating too, douchebaggery is not gender specific.

  • I met my husband at a "New in Town" meetup six years ago. I met my ex in a computer programming class at university, back in 1988. So, I met them both in person. Neither one of them had considered dating fat women before they met me, and neither one of them thought of me as fat until I pointed out that I can't buy clothes at regular stores and that my BMI is in the obese range. Apparently, I don't "seem" fat. Also, both of them were/are very physically attracted to me.

    If I were out looking again, I'd consider using sites like match.com, but it's true that a lot of men will reject large women in advance, without knowing anything about us – without even finding out what we look like or what kind of shape we're in. That's shortsighted. On the other hand, if somebody really does find my body type unattractive, then I wouldn't want to date him. Seriously, life is too short.

    To be honest, there are men who I don't find physically attractive, and very fat men with all their weight in their bellies and skinny legs are one such group. Scrawny, wiry guys are another. But, if I met a guy who had one of those builds and I really liked him, then maybe I'd change my mind. I'd think twice before saying that I could never be attracted to someone with a particular body type. Most men aren't so reticent. But, sometimes they don't know their preferences as well as they think they do.

  • My experience with bbw sites isn't terribly positive, but it's limited to two people. One important thing that came of that is that I got something I absolutely needed- to have my body worshipped by a man. And you know what? It wasn't everything I'd hoped for, even after years of rejection. In fact, it was the end of my bisexuality and the beginning of my exclusive interest in women.
    I met one woman through match.com and we connected immediately and deeply, and were attracted to one another, but had dissimilar dating styles that made the whole thing kind of blow up.
    I met my current partner online, and we've been together for a year now. We were both very, very honest about who we were and what we were looking for in our profiles. I asked her what she would say about how we met, and she responded that it took her a long time to find someone who was telling her the things she wanted to hear.

  • The whole "I only want women who take care of themselves" thing is a bunch of malarkey. So if Scarlett Johansson came up to them and said, "Screw the gym, let's just stay in bed all day and polish off this carton of Camels," they'd actually say no? I highly doubt it.

    I agree with the poster above who said you'd be deleting those guys eventually anyway, for some other reason. Do you really want to meet 800 guys in person, only to discover that 798 of them are people you have almost nothing in common with and zero chemistry? That's what more conventionally attractive women have to deal with: A lot more superficial interest, but no more of the "real thing" than the rest of us get.

    Andee (Meowser)

  • Huh. I've seen Kate Harding write that everyone has preferences regarding who they're attracted to, that there is nothing wrong with that, and that it's okay if not everyone finds fat sexy. Is Kate Harding a douchebag?

  • Don't bring Kate Harding in on a discussion like that's supposed to be the end of the topic. The poor woman isn't the Goddess of all Fatties that all must bow down to, she's a person (albeit a rather awesome person) with her opinions and the right to hold them. Doesn't mean that anyone's opinion is always right either, myself included.

    However I stand by my opinion that if someone is shallow enough to write another human being off *completely* because of their physical appearance, they are a DOUCHEBAG!

  • Andee – you hit the nail on the head! Look at some of the so called "hot" women out there, and tell me they "take care of themselves". I have a family member that is considered a great beauty by many, and she smokes, eats crap, wouldn't get off her lazy arse to save her own life and believes that her lot in life is to "get what I can get out of as many people as possible." She's infamous for treating men very, very badly.

    Yet there are lots of douchebags out there who are all lined up to be her boyfriend simply because she is a Size 8 blonde who wears skimpy clothes. They don't care about who she is as a person, so long as she "looks hot". Should the day ever come that she no longer "looks hot", will they ditch her for the next chick?

    There's that perception because she's slim, blonde and wears flashy clothes that she "takes care of herself" and a fat woman doesn't. It's a crock.

  • hello ladies, this is a tough subject for me. As awesome as I think I am, I still struggle with letting my fatness (morbid.. uhg what an awful word) well anyway, I am on the high end of the spectrum. anyway, I struggle with my fatness making me ineligible for being attractive to the opposite sex. I have a very hard time thinking that there are women out there that could find my kind of fat attractive. In addition to a whole bunch of other reasons (mostly health) that I feel would be very difficult obstacles to got over.

    That being said, I do maintain some hope, I think that there may be a chance I could meet someone and "click" I am thinking about attending a weekend retreat for big folks but those sort of things seem to be a lot of "skeevy" guys looking for a casual lay.

    I like the comments above that speak to the "click" as I do have a lot of confidence in almost every other area besides my physical appearance.

    I think it boils down to what one of the commenters said, that I need to put myself in as many social situations as I can to expand the number interactions. Being lucky enough to live in New York City, I get plenty of opportunities to do lots of social stuff.

    I would love to meet someone and "click" and I continue to put myself out there in hopes of meeting my princess.

  • Ivan, I believe the same thing for the fellas as I do the ladies – anyone who can't see you for your REAL worth, that of your mind, heart and soul, isn't worth your time.

    Put yourself out there and to hell with the haters.

  • I just thought I’d stop in and maybe comment here and there on a few of your posts. this site you have running is great! I’m so happy I stumbled upon this.
    It might be suprising but I’m only 18 years old. Though don’t let it fool you, Im quite intellectual and have the mindset of someone about 26.

    anyway to the point. I’ve actually had an easier time with online dating than I have with “in range” dating, I think its because when I meet people and talk to them online, we maintain a friendship on a more mental latter than physical. though your right with general selection people do seem to dish out on dating or networking sites with things like “NO FAT CHICKS.” or “FATTIES WILL BE DENIED.” Its down right disgusting and pulls out my whole “why bother even trying.” monologue.

    but, here’s how it works for me.
    when I start talking to someone I give them a general overview of myself, mostly things I like, movies i’ve watched, opinions on subjects. if it seems good I press on.
    when it comes down to the physical description, telling them yes im underweight, blah blah blah. I let them see some pictures and such. but i keep it very light so its not the main point of my friendship to be made on physical attributes. I have the biggest problem though. I always appear to be thin in all my pictures. though I weigh about roughly 240-250lbs. so i tend to get labeled as a “fat trap” for guys. but recently I met someone who’s willing to work with the PCOS I unfortunately have. and the other problems I need to work on.

    though granted. he doesn’t realize how heavy I am. sadly idk how to bring the subject up in the right manner. I try and he thinks I’m just exaggerating on how big I am.

    any ideas?
    oh and btw miss sleepydumpling. I happen to be a digital artist as well, so, with that being said. if you ever need anything for your site. please, by all means let me know.🙂

    • Hi and thank you for your kind words!

      You know, I really don’t think we should be expected to sell ourselves on our physicality. Telling someone you’re underweight? Fuck them, they either like me as I am, or not at all. They can kiss my arse if they think they have the right to judge me on my body. I stopped using dating sites for just that reason – douchebag men who think they have the right to judge women.

      Be yourself. Anyone who doesn’t accept that have no right to get near you.

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