A Letter to the Friends of Fat Single Women

Published September 20, 2009 by Fat Heffalump

An open letter to all non-fat friends of single fatties.

Dear non-fat friends,
I love you all, even those of you who are not my friends but the friends of other fatties. You’re awesome, because you don’t buy into the shallow bullshit that a lot of other people do. Fatties are used to people avoiding them because they either think fat is contagious, or that fatties are not “cool enough” for them. So kudos to those of you who don’t buy into that and love your fatty friends.
But I want to talk to you about the way you approach your single fat friends with the subject of dating. Cos some of you get it really wrong. And I want to help you get it right!
  • It is ok to arrange for us to meet single guys that you know, so long as you ask us first. Either blind dates or introducing us at an event.
  • Ask yourself “Would I date him?” If the answer is no, then don’t suggest him to us. We are fat, we are not desperate.
  • The guy that lives with his mother… is he caring for her or is she caring for him? If she’s caring for him, don’t suggest him to us.
  • Do not suggest that we are lesbians unless we have expressed desire for women. Fat women are not all closet lesbians. It’s an insult to everyone to think this way.
  • If you know that we are a lesbian, it’s ok to introduce us to other lesbians. Do not introduce us to other fat women on the assumption that we will just get our fat on together and become lesbians.
  • Do not suggest that we may get more dates if we “just lose some weight”. We don’t want to date the kind of men who won’t date us as we are.
  • Do not tell us “But you have such a pretty face.” when we complain about being single. This implies the following sentence “Despite your fat body.”
  • When we are out together, and some guy behaves like a douchebag towards we fatties, do not then give him your phone number, flirt with him or have sex with him, no matter how hot he is. This tells us that some douchebag is of more value than our friendship. Besides, if he treats us badly now, he’s probably going to treat you badly later.
  • Do not suggest that we should cover up any of the fat bits of our bodies before we go out. Yes, I know I have big fat arms. I don’t care, it’s hot and this sleeveless top is pretty.
  • Don’t ask your fat friends for dating advice, and then dismiss it because they are fat and probably don’t get any dates anyway. They’re used to having to think more about how other people behave, they probably have the best advice.
  • Remember, if you wouldn’t go out with him, don’t suggest him to us. Just gotta make sure you understand that one.
  • If you double date with a fat friend, don’t comment on her food or your own. Nobody really cares but you, and you’ll just make your friend feel bad for no reason.
  • Don’t ask your fat friend how she got a date with the great guy. She got it because she is awesome and he’s smart.
  • Most of all, treat your single fat friend the same way you would treat any other single friend.
Again, you’re an awesome friend and we know you mean well, but sometimes it’s hard to understand that something can be hurtful when your intentions are good.
Thanks for being a great friend.
The Fatties.

12 comments on “A Letter to the Friends of Fat Single Women

  • As always you've given me food for thought and I will take care to not give offence, but can blunder thoughtlessly (a trait inherited from my dad), as a rule I don't see people as a size just as them (who they are not how big). My only care is my friends health and happiness and healthy is all sizes and shapes in my eyes

  • I love the suggestions! Some others…

    When in a group of mixed fat/thin single women, don't just ask and talk about the dating lives of the thin women, then skip over the fatties. We have or want to have dating lives too, but sometimes feel as if our fat makes you see us as asexual.

    If you're trying to fix up your thin friends with each other that's fine. But if you have no interest in helping your fat friends find love, please don't talk so much about your thin fix-ups in front of us. It pains us to know that you don't see us as being attractive and deserving of love as you do your thin friends.

    Please, for the love of all that's sacred, stop talking about how you need to lose five pounds in order to be sexy for your partner. If you're five pounds past sexy, then what are you saying about me?

    In the dating arena, just treat me as you do your thin friends. And treat yourself with more kindness. Thank you.

  • Hmm, I love it all except the part about the guy living with his mother. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive here, but rejecting him because his mother takes care of him seems like ableism to me. I mean, maybe you don't want to date disabled guys, but I don't think that's what you meant. Just a thought.

  • Thank you ladies! Great suggestions too OptimisticCystic.

    worthyourweight – I am referring to men who expect their mothers to look after them, not need to. I have had a lot of friends try to set me up with guys who lived with their mothers, while their Mum's cook, clean, iron their underpants, pay their bills… NO THANKS!

  • Hey, got turned onto this blog by a male friend, recognised it's true awesomeness and immediately bookmarked it, of course!
    Want to know something really, truly funny with regard to skinny friends fixing up their luscious (my own personal preferred term) friends? In my circle of friends, I seem to have more luck than the skinny ones! And I tend to act as matchmaker! I think all of you luscious ladies need to come to my neighbourhood, there's plenty of men who appreciate us! I had the highest hit-rate for being flirted with by customers at my previous job. Much to the confusion of some other staff members who I soon set straight on the fact that yes, I am a big girl, but that does NOT mean that I am not sexy as hell! And lets face it, who wouldn't want to be a with a gorgeous, curvy woman.
    Re: The guys who still live at home with their mamas. Yes there are exceptions, but as a rule, if they still have their Transformers bedspread, something isnt right……..

  • Hi Amber – thanks for the compliments, you make me blush!

    What city do you live in, maybe I should move there! I don't do too bad, but for me it's the wrong kind of guys who hit on me. Either they expect me to mother them or they're only after a shag and then move on. Neither of which are the kind of relationships that I want.

    *giggling at the Transformers bedspread*

  • Hi Kath,
    I live over in WA, a couple hours south of Perth. As to the wrong kinds of guys hitting on me, yeah that happens to me too, some guys think I'm a substitute mother, yeah right, I HAVE kids thankyou, I don't need to add a grown-up one to the mix! And the ones that just want a shag, well they get told where to go quite quickly.
    The Transformers bedspread comment comes from an ex with a Transformers fixation, which, in hindsight, really should have rung a WHOLE lot of alarm bells(the black toy poodle too!). Since then if they mention Transformers and specific robots or express a preference for a certain one, I run away as fast and far as possible.
    One of these days, we all of us will find the kind of partner and relationship we want and most definitely deserve. Until then, it IS kind of fun shooting down the guys that think luscious means easy or desperate! And walking around with a rather nice piece of man on your arm, especially if he happens to be a friend with a sense of humour as wicked as mine, watching other, supposedly prettier, girls wipe the drool away and start whispering to their friends, that is and awful lot of fun too……….
    Off-topic,but it's late and I'm random.
    Tah rah for now!

  • Ahh I love WA, such a pretty place. Well, the south corner that I have been to is. I could happily live in Fremantle.

  • THIS RULES! OMG, I was laughing so hard (at the truth of it all) that I nearly peed my pants!
    Especially the lesbian parts. LMAO. And the part about 'if she (the mom) takes care of him, forget it'. DUH.
    You rock for speaking such raw truth.
    Hopefully we all can be such good friends, no matter what the physical, emotional, or mental baggage our single friends have swinging.

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