Falling off the Wagon

Published October 19, 2009 by Fat Heffalump

Ahh this fat acceptance malarkey is a bit of a process isn’t it?

I have fallen off the wagon of fat acceptance. I’ve been a bit mean to myself over the past few days. You see, I have noticed that I have gained some weight. Ok, I don’t know for sure that I’ve actually gained weight as I don’t have scales and refuse to find some to check, but my clothes are a wee bit tighter and I’m feeling sluggish and heavy. So I’m assuming I’ve gained some weight.
I know why I am having these changes – I’m on holiday. I’m not living my usual breakneck paced lifestyle of rushing around for work and my social life. I’m also out of my routine. So I’m a spending a lot more time relaxing. It’s great, I needed it. But I have kind of relaxed enough and am now feeling sluggish and blah.
Of course, the minute I go to put on a pair of pants that were a firm fit before, and now don’t fit me, what do I do? All the fat acceptance and gaining strong self esteem slides out the window and I get on hating myself. Yep, I have been berating myself for about two days now. Today I realised that THAT’S ENOUGH.
I was getting ready to go out last night, to see Elvis Costello in concert (my favourite male singer ever) and I had a new dress that I loved, new shoes, and I’ve just coloured my hair a very bright, intense red. Normally I would be getting ready and feeling all great, but all I could do was criticise bits of myself. For the first time in a long time I even shied away from photographing my new sandals and posting them to Twitter because all I could see when I looked at my feet was how fat they were. Usually I LOVE showing off my shoes.
Thing is, what does it achieve to be hating on myself? I KNOW that it achieves nothing, rationally speaking, but somehow crappy self esteem seems to smack rationality down pretty quickly.
I tried to get over it by taking some photos of my outfit, but found myself taking dozens of pics because I hated every single one that I took. I really thought I’d got over that, but it’s silly because the truth is, everyone has days where they feel crappy and are critical of themselves – it’s no point being even more critical over that too.
This morning I woke up feeling crud, but kind of turned a corner later in the day as I was getting ready to go out again, and started to feel a bit of a lift.
I have to admit the real lift came when I went to get on a bus into town (I took myself off to a movie) to find that the cute bus driver that I usually only see on the trip home after work had made a completely random shift swap, and there he was on a bus I would never normally take! Not to mention that we’ve progressed our usual brief flirty hello and goodbye for a 40 minute conversation for the whole bus trip. I believe there may even be an exchange of contact details next time. That’s gotta make a girl feel better about herself, hmmm?
Anyway, what I’m trying to say with this post is that all of us will have times that we fall off the self esteem/fat acceptance wagon, that it’s a learning process and we have to remember to be kind to ourselves. To do the things that make us feel good, and read lots of positive material (oh the wonder of the fatosphere!) and with time, it does come back.
And in celebration of me finding my mojo again, here is one of the pictures of me in my new dress from last night. Most of the pics are pretty good, now that I’m looking at them through mojo-rich eyes again!


38 comments on “Falling off the Wagon

  • That is a gorgeous dress! And your hair really does shout BOOM! =) It's seriously straight here, did you spend hours? I can't ever get mine that good!

    Pass some of that fattitude my way? I'm all fluttery about having to meet people I've not met and blah.

  • *Long Low Wolf Whistle* – looking mighty fine there Ms R – you are gonna be smoking at your cocktail soiree this weekend.

  • As I was reading your post I was thinking that you were being way too hard on yourself. Surely, this was another case of a perfectly attractive young woman who was hating on herself for whatever reason.

    But then I saw your photo. Holy shit. Get on a diet now. Your arms have rolls. Rolls. You look like one of those hippo ballerinas from Fantasia. Don't ever take the bus again. Walk everywhere!!

    love, mom.

  • You look awesome! Love the dress, love the hair, love the pose, love the Mona Lisa smile. I feel your pain about those days when you fall off the wagon. Since I never seem to stop gaining weight, I find my self-acceptance varies most with the time of the month. Hormones are like little trolls living right inside your body. And speaking of trolls, fuck you, Alexfromphilly, in so many ways. Mostly, you are just a mean sack of shit, but also, how dare you hate on those hippo ballerinas in Fantasia! They are lovely naturally fat chicks happily moving their bodies in beautiful ways. They are our fucking role models, asshole.

  • @Trabbs. The hippos in Fantasia are your role models? That explains so much. My role model is Clint Eastwood. A man who is 79, in great shape and still making great films. See the difference? That's why you're still gaining weight and I'm losing it.

  • You look great. Don't let a little fluctuation fluster you. Focus on the rockin' time you're gonna have at Elvis instead.

    Hey Alexfromphilly, eat a bag of dicks. If your role model is Glenn Beck, then that explains why you cried the entire time you typed your asinine comment.


  • Came here via the fat-o-sphere feed, because I was thinking on Saturday that I'm "off the wagon" of non-screwy eating, and how funny it was that that was the phrase I used to use to goad myself INTO the screwy eating in the first place.

    Also wanted to say: Ooh, like the dress. Especially the blue/green with the red hair. Very sassy.

    @le troll…. This IS another case of a perfectly attractive woman hating on herself for whatever reason. Check your assholery before going out in public.

  • @ Shannon. I look like Glenn Beck because we're related dumbass. Have you ever tried a bag of dicks? They're delicious. And low in fat, unlike you.

  • Alex, if you're related to Glenn Beck then you've said all that needs to be said. Shouldn't you be over on World Net Daily commenting on the One World Conspiracy instead of taunting fat women? Is this really how you prefer to spend your day? What are you getting out of this? Honestly, fuck off.


  • Shannon, I visited your blog and was surprised to find that you were in fact, male. I could only begin to imagine the massive ridicule you must've endured as a child. Children can be so cruel. But so can adults. If it's any consolation just remember that those kids didn't hate you because of your name, they hated you because you were a fucking douche. And with that said, I declare victory over you.
    Good day sir/madam.

  • Alex,
    Okay Alex. Why don't you go spend some more of your life attempting wit and leaving shit. Clearly you're a superior human being who has perfected your own life to such a state that you now have nothing but free time to critique those you deem lesser beings.

    Oh, I feel so blessed that the illegitimate turd crapped out by Little Lord Fauntleroy has set me straight.

    Good luck eeking out the remainder of your days in the pursuit of mediocrity.


  • Related to Glenn Beck? Well, that explains why your troll is such an asshole. Hope your five minutes of glory was worth it – feel free to die in a fire, and take Glenn with you. Think of what you would be doing for society.

  • Gorgeous Kath! You look absolutely stunning. And the hair looks great on you. I know all about falling off that wagon. Heck I did it last week. XD But you just have to convince yourself to get back on.

  • Thanks to the lovely folks for your comments (well, except for the troll) – you're all positively charming, and I'm glad you're here.

    And to the troll – you clearly have a sad little life if you have enough time to spend any time at all hating on someone's blog. Such a very sad, pathetic little man.

    Shannon – thanks for your defense, fellas like you are positively delightful – it's nice to know that there are some real men out there. Plus you gave me some big laughs with your responses. I love a quick wit!

    lorienchziu – I chose the phrase "falling off the wagon" for that very purpose. I too used to "fall off the wagon" when I was starving myself and making the problem worse.

    Seren – it was actually really easy when I got in and did it. The hardest bit was straightening the back bit – cos I couldn't see it! Mind you next time I'll use a little silicon – it did go a bit frizzy. And you'll find your sass girl, give it time and keep reading the good stuff out there in the fatosphere.

    Trabbs – aren't hormones fun? I think that was a contributor too – talk about fluctuations of mood and reason! Blech!

  • @alexfromphilly drop dead loser. no one here agrees with you. your comments are completely pathetic. you must be so full of self hatred. i pity you.

  • Thanks for your compliments Mojave Momma. However I do need to address your assumptions.

    Firstly, nobody's glorifying living an unhealthy lifestyle – being fat is not mutually exclusive to being healthy. Fat does not = unhealthy. Nor does weight loss = improved health. But that is another subject.

    Secondly, this post wasn't even actually about health, it was about self esteem and being kind to oneself when one's body image slides into a downward spiral. Again, health is another subject altogether.

    Feel free to do whatever you like with your own life, I agree, that's what it's all about, the freedom to make your own choices, without expecting other people to have the same choices. If you wish to lose weight, then that's fine, nobody is asking you not to. But you cannot cast judgement on those who no longer subscribe to the diet/weight loss as "unhealthy" while doing so.

    Fat acceptance and health are not mutually exclusive.

    But if you read my post, other than a cursory mention about my current change of circumstances while on holiday that has left me feeling sluggish, health is not the issue here.

    When a post about health (and the fact that health is not about weight) becomes relevant to me again (and it will at some point, no doubt) well I'll address the subject then. Until then, try to Googling "Health at Any Size" to get more information on the subject if you're interested.

    As for the subject of the troll, who's name does not deserve to be mentioned – trolls are like virulent pustules on the anus of the blogosphere, and deserve all the heat they get.

    And just a reminder folks, when you delete a comment, I still get to see it. Even while I'm sitting on my "(lovely) fat ass". So do all of the people who have commented on the post and checked the "email me replies" box.

  • Hey Kathy, I looked at that very same dress just yesterday! It's from Autograph isn't it? I am in LOVE with their dresses, they cut them so well! You look amazing in it and I am LOVING the haircolour. I had hair that colour for a while, loved it. It gives you such a boost doesn't it? As for the fluctuation, I can go up by about half a size during certain times of the month, frustrating isn't it? Things just not quite fitting. It always passes though, as does the need to beat yourself up a bit. Just remember you're gorgeous, sexy, intelligent and WAY better than anybody else's negative perceptions!

    As for the troll, fuck off and die you horrible little cankersore. Karma will get you, that is all I can say………..

    *mwah* to you Kath, keep the posts and photos coming!
    A. xo

  • Sleepydumpling,
    I've always felt as though I have the ability to wield words like a sword, so its a pleasure to use them in defense of others. Clearly you can defend yourself (a pustule on the anus of the blogosphere? Brilliant), but I can't help but hack and slash an illiterate ass, especially when he's attacking fat women. I'm sick of men thinking its okay to insult women because "he" doesn't think "you" are attractive.

    Fuck you, buddy. We're not here to decorate your world. Personally, I could do without small-minded cretins, but I don't attack you on the Britney Spears fan page.

    Gah… it just pisses me off.


  • Fat ass, when you walk down the street wearing that dress people think there's a tidal wave coming.

    There is a direct correlation between extreme obesity and bad health. Feeling sluggish? It's because you're eating yourself to death. You're relatively young. Get some motherfucking help.

    Do you live in a motel? Christ, I'd hate to live in that shit hole you call an apartment.

    @Shannon Leave Britney Alone!!!!

  • Okay, I think I get it now. Alexfromphilly is one of those guys who gets off on people telling you what a dumbfuck you are. That's why you keep coming back. No doubt you read all the insults above and frantically jerked off for about 15 seconds, then spent the rest of the day slumped over the gaming chair in your parents' basement bemoaning the fact that women run screaming from your horribly mangled visage and laugh when you flash your pin-dick in the Walmart parking lot.

    Seriously, what the fuck are you doing here? What sort of sad shell of a life must you have to spend this much time trolling? How do you wake up day after day, seeing the future stretched out before you and think, "I'm going to spend my time trying to make people miserable."

    What kind of mentally-deficient mouth-breather dedicates this much of their life to the pursuit of douchebaggery? Get a fucking life you fucking feeb.


  • Hey, shans.

    I spend about 5 minutes of my day riling up fucktards such as yourself. It feels great. Sadly, I do not live with my parents. I own my own business and home. Sorry to burst your bubble.

    I don't know why you're infatuated with my penis. But it's a little above average. Send me your e-mail and I'll send you a picture.


    p.s. I hope your kids don't turn out as gay as you do.

  • You only spend "5 minutes" of a day trolling, yet you were here four times yesterday alone. You're actually returning to this post multiple times in a day, reading the responses, and then responding.

    Now, I don't want to make any more assumptions than necessary, but it clearly takes longer than five minutes for someone with your remedial level education to stutter through a single paragraph, let alone an entire comment. Although I'm sure Hooked on Phonics is slowly, but surely whittling that time down.

    So, lets work up the biography of Alexfromphilly. He's related to Glenn Beck, owns his own business and home, and enjoys sending photos of his penis to random men. Wow, impressive. You got me, Alex, you're not a loser at all. You're a bona fide badass, and we were wrong to talk down to you. Surely you know what's best for all of us.

    So, can you do us a favor? Start a blog where we can write in with questions on how to improve our lives and you can lord your superior genetics over all of us. Because I know its true for me, and I'm going to go ahead and speak for Heffalump too, but we created our own blogs in hopes that someone with your keen observational skills and razor wit would come along and enlighten us.

    You know what was particularly clever? Your joke about how when she walks, people think there's a tidal wave.

    *deep breath*

    I haven't laughed so hard since Dane Cook did an entire show of "Yo Mama" jokes.

    Wow, Alex, thank you so much for gracing us with your presence. We are all better people for having read your scholarly words.


    ps Fuck off and die.

  • Oh, Shannon. I do think I'm in love with you. Why would I start a blog? I don't have a hole in my life that I need to fill with pointless drivel. Your responses keep me going. Good job!

  • Amber it is an Autograph one – they've got a great range this summer and the fabrics are really lovely. And they've got COLOUR! I'm so sick of the sea of black that we usually see in the plus sized ranges.

    Shannon, brother you're a gifted wordsmith! I just laughed so hard peach tea came out my nose. And you know it's salty when you lick it up after it comes out your nose.

    The thing with trolls, is that they're under the delusion that they're actually hurting people that they troll. They think that what they say actually matters. Fuck a duck, I've had worse insults from relatives, let alone some sad little bubonic lesion that has nothing better to do than jerk off his tiny, tiny penis to his "You're so fat…" jokes.

    Normally I would suggest not to feed the troll, but this one is rather entertaining in a pitiful way, and it gives Shannon some fodder for great material. I wonder what poor person he stole the profile info from? I feel sorry for that bloke, the world thinks he's a douchebag with a teensy-weensy penis.

    I only wish I had so much time in my day to spend trolling blogs of people, but then, I have a life.

    Though Shannon, I think the one we have here may only be 7 years old. He writes at that level. Well, a 7 year old with learning difficulties, poor possum.

  • Sleepydumpling. Even your name connotes laziness.

    Let me get this straight. Shannon made you laugh so hard that peach tea, no doubt the very sugary kind, came out of your nose and you tasted it.

    Absolutely disgusting. I will continue to read your blog and enjoy your stories of your deteriorating health. If you make it to 50 I'll be surprised.

  • Thanks Sleepdumpling.

    Maybe its the old fashioned part of me, but I find men who insult women, regardless of what they look like, to be incredibly immature. What does it matter to you what her health is? Just because she looks unhealthy to you, that gives you the right to degrade her?

    Health is not something you can physically judge. Fat people can be healthy. Its just that in our culture the authorities find it easier to say "All fat is deadly" rather than, "Talk to your doctor about your health."

    Do you troll at sites that glorify the alcoholic culture? Because statistically they're just as unhealthy, if not moreso, than fat people.

    You seem like a reasonable person at times. Can't you see how pointless and immature this is? Is it really all that entertaining to try and hurt people?


  • Shannon,

    It's obvious that we come from different worlds. The reason I troll certain sites, which I find when visiting Shapely Prose, is because I loathe, no, I detest, the ridiculous notion that a person being at least 100lbs overweight is not unhealthy. I liken it to critics who refuse to believe in scientific theories such as global warming & evolution.

    I find that many commentors over at Shapely Prose like to project an aura of happiness, confidence and unbelievably, health. They claim that they eat as healthy, or even healthier, than their thin friends but here's the kicker. When you visit their personal sites you find out what they really eat. They blog about the fried foods, the sweets and all the unhealthy shit they claim they never touch over at Shapely Prose. The hyprocrisy is overwhelming.

    Sure, Fat Heffalump seems like a nice lady. But she's delusional if she thinks she's healthy. She has a couple blogs, peruse them and count the pictures of all the unhealthy shit she's consuming. Sadly, she's heading to an early grave. In fact, in one post she says she was expecting more health problems. Do you not see the harm that all these 'You go girl!' comments are doing to her?
    You're right, my comments are mean, immature and unnecessary. But they're harmless compared to all the enablers that encourage her lifestyle, or deathstyle, to put it more succintly.

  • All the dieting and enabling in the world will not change your GENETICS!!!!! Just because you happened to be blessed enough to have a decent metabolism, alexfromphilly, doesn't mean we all do. Maybe we biological fatties will die earlier than the biologically thin people of the world. But, did you ever stop to think that maybe God made us that way? Who are you to question God's creation? We aren't all perfect and we aren't all thin…that's just the way it is. Deal with it.

    Speaking as someone who has pretty much been overweight from birth and has ridden the weight loss rollercoaster many, many times in my life, stick a sock in it Alexfromphilly. Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes, you have no idea what it's like and you have no knowledge of it to speak from. So live your life and leave the rest of us alone. We don't need your approval or judgments on what we look like. Turn your head if you don't like it and keep your hateful comments to yourself. Seems to me that you think all physically imperfect people should sit home and hide so you don't have to look at us. Get a life.

    As for Glenn Beck…sorry everyone. I like him. If you can get past his antics and LISTEN to what he is saying, you would get it. Also, seems like a lot of you are living in Australia or Europe, so you really don't know what it's like here in the U.S. We're in trouble people!!!!

    Have a nice day all. Love who you are AND what you look like!

  • Lahoron writes "As for Glenn Beck…sorry everyone. I like him. If you can get past his antics and LISTEN to what he is saying, you would get it. Also, seems like a lot of you are living in Australia or Europe, so you really don't know what it's like here in the U.S. We're in trouble people!!!!"

    This alone makes her argument invalid. Thanks for trying!

  • Alex,
    There are all kinds of personal behaviors that are dangerous, such as drinking or smoking. Do you feel compelled to tell alcoholics what horrible people they are and how they're all going to die an early death?

    I'm not as well-versed in the Health at Every Size aspect of size acceptance, but it is a fact that being in the BMI range of Overweight is actually healthier than being Normal: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26957675/

    Unlike climate change, the science is NOT completely in on this. What you see in the news is correlation studies NOT causation: http://www.terrycolon.com/4features/scary.html

    The emphasis in HAES is eating right and exercising, rather than achieving some arbitrary BMI score (which is not a reliable health indicator).

    Certain elements of size acceptance are closed to any discussion of HAES, but not everyone is. Shapely Prose is indeed begging for trolls because of their strict comment policy, but some of us actually want to debate the issues and have an intelligent dialogue. If you wish to participate by challenging our assertions, fine, but stop treating our women like shit.

    Regardless of what you think of their health, their lifestyle choices, their hypocrisy, it is neither helpful nor humorous to make fun of fat women. They get this shit enough out in the real world, simply for being who they are. We're not trying to delude anyone here, but we are trying to create a safe space where women don't feel the same social pressures that they face every day "out there."

    Just think about it.


  • Shannon,

    You're right. Being in the overweight part of the BMI scale isn't necessarily bad. I'm talking about people whose BMI range is in the very high side. People who are at least 100 lbs overweight fall into this category. Big difference.

    Would I tell an alcoholic how to run their lives? No, I wouldn't. But I haven't come across an Alcoholic Acceptance website that enables unhealthy people to continue their dangerous lifestyles.

    Kate Harding's Shapely Prose is no place for a debate. If you try to question their core beliefs, they will ban you faster than you can hit enter. I used to troll there before they had comment moderation. I still visit to read the inane comments from readers who have drunk the sugar-laden Kool-Aid.

    Kate, like many other successful bloggers/writers has found a hook that helps her make money. When I first stumbled across Shapely Prose in 2008, she had positioned herself as the de facto head of the FA movement. She used to sell t-shirts that read 'I Am Kate Harding' and other items. Eventually, other readers and commenters called her out on her money-making scheme. Since then she no longer sells those items.

    Now she's written a book to make even more money off her readers. Never mind the fact that all the information in the book is available on her site for free.

    I don't know about your own personal health. I hope it's good. I've lost a ton of weight. It wasn't easy. Keeping it off isn't easy. But it isn't impossible.

    People like Sleepydumpling are being misled.

  • Alex,
    Our entire culture is an Alcoholic Acceptance website. The Super Bowl is just one big drunken sports orgy. Its ingrained in our culture that drinking is okay, so it doesn't stand out like people who say "Being fat is okay."

    And fair warning, I'm hoping to make money off my readers too. I want to be a writer. That's what we do.

    But I like to think I'm open to truth, rather than pursuing any strict ideological path. Its a complicated issue and studies have shown that women with negative body image have worse health than those with positive body image. The point isn't to mislead, the point is to educate people on health.

    If you want to know more, bring it over to my site and we'll hash it out. Its how I learn best.


  • Hi folks. Ok, it's time for me to ask you to stop feeding the troll. No matter what you say, a troll is still going to be a royal pain in the arse, and to be honest, I don't have the time to waste on managing it. Especially when they realise that tacky jokes and insults don't work, so they try the tactic of "Oh but you're being sold LIES, I'm soooo concerned for you."

    My email is full to the brim with cool stuff, without having to waste time on the steaming pile of shit that trolls are.

    New blanket policy. Trolls will be deleted on sight. Unfortunately Blogger doesn't allow me to block (though I will work my way around that eventually). Yes, that's what they do over on the *evil* Shapely Prose (which I rarely read anyway) and I can understand why – anyone with a real life doesn't have time to clean this crap up and console the genuine people it does upset.

    I appreciate the effort of the genuine people out there, but I need to draw a line under it or it's just going to continue wasting everyone's time.

    I will draft up a policy for this blog shortly – after all it is my blog and I can do what I damn well like.

    I am a superfats. Get used to it or leave. If you're here to shame or embarrass me, it's never going to happen. If you're here to lay down the hate, it's not going to affect me other than to waste my time a bit dealing with getting rid of you.

    This is a positive space. Negativity will be removed. End of story.

  • I am removing any responses to the troll, this only makes the problem worse.

    Please do not respond to the troll any more.

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