Desperate and Dateless? I Think Not!

Published November 14, 2009 by sleepydumpling

Following up from my last post about the whole world of fun that opens up when a woman declines a man’s attention, I want to talk a bit more tonight about fat women, dating, romance and sex.

Now I don’t proclaim to be an expert on the subject in any way, because it’s such a bizarre thing that is totally individual to every person on this earth.  But I do have my experiences and the bits I’ve learned, and I know there are a lot of fatties out there that are completely baffled by the whole subject, so let’s talk about it a bit, and maybe get some things right.

There is this perception that fat women are desperate and dateless.  That they’re at home on a Saturday night pining over their lack of prospective romantic partners.   Hang on, I AM at home on a Saturday night!  Oops!  But that is out of choice after a long tiring week, not because I’m some sad lonely heart.

Guess what?  Fat women aren’t desperate and dateless.  They’re not completely ignored by men because “nobody will have them.”  In my experience, and remember I am post-35 years old, I’ve never had any time of my life where I haven’t had some male attention.  That’s not always been the kind of males I would like attention from, but no more than receiving attention from the males that I do want the attention from.  Fat women get married, have hot sex, are seen as beautiful and do live happily ever after.

Yes, I am still single.  I am aware of this, so you don’t need to leave the whole “But you’ve not got married yet, so you’re still desperate.” comment.  Had that one before, surprise, surprise.  YAWN.  But being single is not some failure to find a partner.  Being single is about where you are on the road of life, the people who have come into your life and at what point, and a whole lot of choices.

What I think many fat women do lack is confidence and good self esteem.  They are often more “gun-shy” than their slimmer counterparts, simply because when they have suffered rejection (and every single human suffers rejection, not just fat people), it has been particularly nasty and cruel.  The guy who rejects the slim girl is less likely to insult her as viciously about it.

And when you consider how attractive confidence is, it’s no wonder that fat women often feel very intimidated about the whole dating thing.  It becomes a vicious circle.  Fat woman is rejected horribly, loses confidence, avoids the situation, loses more confidence, feels unattractive and worthless, and so on.

I know, I have been there myself for large chunks of my life, until I started to gain the confidence and stronger self esteem that I have built up today.  It’s a tough place to be in, but there is life outside of that.

The thing is, there are plenty of great men out there that love fat women.  I don’t mean fetishists, though of course we all know they exist.  But good men who love the shape of their beautiful, bountiful fat women, and who find women attractive for more than just some magazine media/Hollywood ideal of beauty.  If there weren’t, April Flores wouldn’t be such a popular porn star!

I’ve been on dates with (and in some cases, dated exclusively) all kinds of men.  Young men, older men, fat men, thin men, sporty men, men that would be considered “super handsome”, men who have big old issues and even a few douchebags.  It’s all a process of elimination really – meeting guys and eliminating those that aren’t suitable for whatever reason.

One of the difficulties of being a fatty in the dating world is that low confidence and self esteem often have the fat woman thinking that there’s no way that the guy who has just paid her attention is interested in her.  She tells herself he’s just being nice, or he’s gay (cos let’s face it, fat women and gay men go together like strawberries and cream – I have so many gay male friends, it’s awesome.) or that he’s a douchebag setting her up to be a jerk to her (who hasn’t experienced that one in high school, hmmm?)

What happens is she doesn’t believe that the guy paying her attention is genuinely interested, so she rejects him out of self protection, and then he’s hurt too.  See the vicious cycle forming?

As fat women, we need to find some confidence in ourselves.  Because often that’s the strongest thing that holds us back.  When we encounter the douchebags, we need to hold our heads high, look them in the eye and say “Fuck you!” and remember that THEY are the douchebag, not us because we have fat bodies.  When a man is kind to us or pays us positive attention, we need to accept it as just that – kindness and positive attention.  Smile and say thank you and enjoy it.

Recently I struck up a conversation with an attractive man I was seeing in my day to day travels regularly.  He was always very polite and friendly, and one day he made it clear he’d like a chat.  So we talked.  Each time we saw each other afterwards, we talked some more.  He mentioned that he may not be in the same place for awhile, as his circumstances might be changing, so I figured “What the hell, I’ll give him my card.”  I handed him my card and said “If you disappear from the regular spots, here’s my email address.”

I would never have done this a few years ago, simply because I didn’t have the confidence and was terrified of rejection.   But with the confidence and stronger self worth I have built over the past years, my thought was “What the hell, life is short and he’s nice, I’m pretty sure he won’t be a douche.”  And he wasn’t.  But if he had been, I could have handled it too.  Now I’m enjoying a new friendship, some flirtation and who knows where it will go.

The thing is, there are a lot of people in this world, and everyone has really wide and varied tastes, values, needs and stages in their lives.  Don’t let the douchebags of the world put you off living your life, and believing that there are people out there who see you for the amazing person you are.

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6 comments on “Desperate and Dateless? I Think Not!

  • Ahh yes – self confidence – that’s the key irrespective of any other feature of your body – that is the magic key to attracting people to you!
    You know that I have never held a grown up birthday party or hell just a party for more than a couple of close friends who are guaranteed to show up just because I am not sure anyone would show up, how’s that for lack of self confidence. Go figure, but it is something that i am working on

  • I agree that confidence is key.

    However, to be completely honest, I am really tired of hearing from every single other fat woman writing a blog that she has never lacked for attention from men regardless of her size or her self esteem.

    What the heck? Where were these guys when I was in high school and college? Men have never paid attention to me beyond friendship. Random men do not flirt with me. Men do now strike up conversations with me.

    I think that’s great for you. And I think you’re lucky. I have not been so lucky and it seems regardless of my level of confidence, I am still “ignored” by the male population.

    There is no magic wand or potion I can take to fix the situation. Perhaps its never occured to you or others who write on the subject but maybe not everyone has someone out there. Maybe some of us, skinny or fat, are just destined to live alone.

    • Thanks for your comment Sabrina. I do think one of the greatest lessons I have learnt though is to actually recognise that even though you don’t think any guys notice you in a positive way… they do. Maybe they’re not the right kind of guy (yeah, we all know the weirdo dude that decides he’s really into us) or they’re painfully shy, or they just don’t express it in a way we’re able to see, simply because we’re so busy looking at what’s not happening, rather than what is. We are our own harshest critic, after all.

      Of course, hindsight is 20-20 and there came a point where I recognised some stuff from the past that made me think “What the hell was I doing, being so hard on myself all that time?!”

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