I owe you an apology. I’ve not been very kind or accepting to you in our relationship. In fact, I’ve downright hated you for most of our life. I realise now that the hatred I had for you was very unfair, and that you were undeserving of it. You deserve more respect than that.
I am sorry that I did so many things to hurt you over the years. I’m sorry that I starved you, exercised you into the ground until you simply failed to function in several ways, and that I punished you for just being yourself. I’m sorry that I cut you, filled you full of pills and other substances that affected you in so many damaging ways. I’m sorry that I didn’t give you what you needed, that I forced you to ingest things that you hated, or that made you feel bad, simply because I hated you so much. I’m sorry that I picked you, tore your hair out, chewed your fingertips, and didn’t listen to what you were trying to tell me.
You’ve given so much to me through all the hard times. You kept me going when depression really, really tried to stop us in our tracks.
You didn’t deserve to be hated so much. You’ve looked after me for over 38 years now, mostly uncomplaining in the scheme of things, and how have I repaid you? By hating you and trying to force you to change, by picking you apart as if you’re not a whole being, by desperately trying to reduce you and starve you away, and at times, I tried to kill you.
But you kept on going. You kept on doing your job, and doing it very well, for all these years. Even when I wore you down to exhaustion and pain, you still kept going. You patched yourself together as best you could, even though you tried to tell me you were exhausted and in pain, I wouldn’t listen, so you just did the best you could.
You’ve done so much for me. You’ve allowed me to do every single thing in my life that I’ve ever done. You’ve allowed me to experience love, and joy, and happiness, and laughter, and fun. I’m sorry that I never acknowledged you for giving that to me.
I tried to make you do things you simply couldn’t. Like be completely different to what you actually are. I measured you by other people’s standards, tried to change you to be something you’re not, and tried to force you to perform in a way that you’re not designed to, just because other people’s bodies behave differently. I realise now that I have been completely unreasonable in my demands on you.
I want you to know that I am deeply sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I ask you to forgive me for hating and punishing you for so long, and know that I will work very hard to never do that again.
I want you to know that you are beautiful in your own way. You are strong, powerful and healthy. I don’t hate your big belly, or your fat arms, or your thick legs any more. Your rolls and bumps and lumps are not objects of loathing to me any more. They are now things of beauty. They always have been, I just recognise it now, where I didn’t before. You are a feminine body. I never used to see you in that way, but now I do. You’re all woman baby!
I don’t hate that you are hairier than other bodies. I don’t hate that you pump out more hormones of all kinds than the average body. I don’t hate that you sometimes have trouble keeping your skin smooth and clear. I want you to know that I am not ashamed of you any more. That I will stand up for your right to be as you are, and if anyone tries to change you when you don’t choose to change of your own volition, then I will fight them from doing so.
You and I, we’re going to work together. Because we are together. We’re one and the same. You are me, and I am you. We’re going to take care of each other, and make each other happy.
I love you. You are beautiful. Please forgive me.
P.S. I’m going to shave your head in January, but it’s for a good cause. You might feel a bit naked for awhile, but let’s just show your pretty scalp off and rock it huh? We might have some fun.