Well you can take the fatty out of the blog but you can’t take the blog out of the fatty! I still don’t have full internet access, waiting on it to be connected by my Telco, but I can’t stay away. I’ve got stuff burbling around in my head and I need to share it!
As you probably know, I moved house a week ago. I’ve moved to a lovely seaside suburb, mere metres from the bay. Every morning when I wake up, the first sounds I hear are seagulls and other water birds. At night, other than the occasional passing car, all I hear are the sounds of ocean breezes and lapping water, punctuated occasionally by the chime of the town clock. It is so peaceful here, and so beautiful. It was a hard wrench to move from the place that had been my home for almost 15 years (in fact, I only did it because I had to), but now that it’s done, I am so glad I have.
I mean, look at this place:
This is the first time I’ve had a major lifestyle change that I haven’t attached the goal of losing weight to. In the past, every time I had a major life change, I would convince myself that this time, it would be the thing I needed to help me get thin. That new job with the higher pay, meant that I could afford more weight loss programmes and gyms. Moving away from the country meant that I would have access to more options to help me lose weight, and I could find more diet foods in the supermarkets. Every time I changed my life somehow, I would desperately cling to the notion that it would be the change that would make me thin.
Of course, I know now, that it just doesn’t work that way. My body is a fat body, and no matter what I do to it in an attempt to lose weight, there is a 95% chance that it will fail to actually make me thin. I would say a 100% chance for me – after all, I’ve spent over 25 years trying to make my body thin – and no matter how extreme or whatever I did, nothing made me thin. This is my body, and it is a fat body. I am very comfortable in my body, more comfortable than I have ever been in my life.
But it’s funny, but after a week, I can already feel changes in my body. For the first few days I think my body was desperately trying to shake off all the negativity, and toxicity, that I was carrying around before. A few lungfuls of clean ocean air and my body seemed to go “Right, let’s shake all this shit out.” My skin broke out in patches, and got terribly dry in other patches. I seemed to produce copious quantities of snot and ear-wax. My fingernails got all brittle. And I was SO DAMN TIRED. Some of that can be attributed to the exhaustion and stress of moving, but I really do feel like I was getting something out of my system.
A few days ago, I came good. My energy levels came back. My skin is starting to settle down. I’m sleeping really well at night, but am not feeling tired during the day. I’m off work at the moment so I am getting a lot of rest, but I think it’s about more than just time off work. I think I’ve cast off the stresses of living in my old place, plus the new place doesn’t have carpets that I believe hold a lot of dust and stuff either. Not to mention that I’m getting those lungfuls of fresh sea air.
There are other changes afoot too. When I go back to work on Monday, I have a slightly longer trip, and now on a train instead of the bus. That will give me 40 minutes each way that I can sit and read (I can’t read on the bus, it makes me pukey), which I think will be really significant on the trip home each day, in helping me let go of work for the day. I have access to a really large supermarket which has much more choice than my old options, and is very close by. Not to mention a lot of other small shops that I had no access to before. Besides, groceries are significantly cheaper up here than they are closer to the city. Don’t let anyone tell you that the big supermarkets don’t vary their prices by neighbourhood! But most of all, I have daily access to this:
A beautiful foreshore where people walk, cycle, rollerskate, scoot, get dragged along by their dogs! I have a beautiful bicycle – you’ve all seen my bicycle Iris haven’t you? Here is an old photo of us together:
I now can go for a ride in my favourite place, every single day, without having to worry about being mowed down by traffic (I was always terrified to ride in most areas around my old place). Not only is it my favourite way to move my body, but it’s also incredibly relaxing. I always sleep so well after a bike ride.
But most of all, I feel relaxed an happy here. My anxiety and depression is feeling lessened already. It’s amazing what being somewhere you love and letting go of stress can do.
So you can see, I have a lot of changes in my life lately, and those changes are going to play out on my body and my health. I hope the choice I have made to move here will mean they are positive changes, that I will feel more relaxed and stronger. I hope that the exhaustion I suffered regularly before will be a thing of the past, now that I’m not living in such a stressful environment, am able to relax and put my head away from work, and can get out into fresh air, moving my body in a way that I enjoy, in a place that I love.
But for the first time in my life, I’m not pinning my hopes on these things making me thin. Because to me, while being thin has cultural privileges, I now know that it is not a worthy goal to work towards.
And that is an incredibly liberating feeling.