Stop! It’s the Holiday Season Food Police!

Published December 25, 2013 by Fat Heffalump

It’s that time of year again.  The “let’s be a jerk comments about food” time of year.  I don’t know about you, but I’m quite done with it already and it’s only Christmas Eve!*

Eating while fat at any time is a fraught exercise.  I just read a great post over on Shakesville by Aphra Behn on the weekend, take the time to go read it if you haven’t already.  But come the holiday season, and that really can extend any time from about late October through to oh, February, depending on where you live, it really gets intense.  So many people turn into the food police.  I don’t know about you, but when someone drops a food police bomb on me, more often than not I’m so taken aback by it that I can’t respond in the moment.  I’m already traumatised by food thanks to a lifetime of dieting and disordered eating, without having someone be a jerk over it.  Even though I’m well seasoned (see what I did there?) in dealing with food police.

So I thought I might drop a few examples with useful responses here that we could all use, and if you have any good ones you can put them in the comments.

“Oh, my diet is going to be SO ruined by this!”

“Well, you don’t have to eat any of this, we’ll understand if you choose not to, but we plan to enjoy it.”

“I didn’t realise that eating this was compulsory.”

“Like your diet isn’t going to be ruined by the fact that it’s an unsustainable way of feeding yourself in the long term.”

“That’s probably a good thing, it’s a well established fact that 95% of diets cause you to gain more weight in the long term than you lose.”

“This pie is SO sinful!”

“There’s a church at [insert nearby church address here] – I’m sure they’ll take your confession.”

“I’m more worried about the three firemen I shagged last night blotting my virtue.”

“I love the smell of brimstone in the morning!”

“It’s just pie, it’s not the anti-Christ.”

“Are you sure you haven’t had enough to eat already?”

“Are you sure what I eat is any of your business?”

“No.  I think I’ll have some more.  Thanks for checking in with me.”

“Why – is there more food somewhere?”

“Clearly not, or I wouldn’t be preparing to eat this.”

“That can’t be good for your health.”

“I didn’t know you’d gone and got a medical degree!”

“That’s so nice of you to worry about my health.  Would you mind looking at this rash I have… *zip*… down here?”

“Worry is worse for your health, so you take care and stop worrying about what I eat.”

“A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!”

“I’m not smearing it on my arse.”

“How about if I chew it REALLY slowly?  Will that be longer than a moment on my lips?”

“A moment on the lips, a lifetime of embarrassment for making such a stupid statement!”

“Oh, no, I’m watching my weight.”

“That must be boring viewing.”

“Why, does it do tricks?”

“I’m going to get SO FAT after all of this.”

“I’m fat, what’s wrong with being fat?”

“So you don’t want to be like me then?”

“Probably.”  (this one REALLY sticks in their craw!)

“We are all going to have to get on the treadmill tonight!”

“I don’t have to do anything of the sort, you worry about your body, I’ll worry about mine.”

“You do realise that human beings are not combustion engines right?  Bodies are far more complex than calories in/calories out.”

“If you want to be a hamster on a wheel for your evening entertainment, go for it.  I’ve got better things to do.”

*Stares at your food/plate*

Grab something off the plate and lick it and then put it back on the plate.  Say “There, now steal it.”

Take a fork/spoon full, raise it really, really slowly to your mouth, eat it really sexily and roll your eyes and make orgasm sounds.  Add a “Damn this is good!” for effect.

Pick up something small from your plate and throw it at them.


How’s that to get you all started on dealing with the food police?  Again, if you have any good ones, leave them in the comments so that we can build up an arsenal against the jerks out there who think they have a right to comment on our food and eating.

*I had this all ready to post last night but I spent too many hours having a beautiful roast chicken dinner with cheesecake and plum pudding with friends while we drooled over Tom Hiddleston as Loki, and didn’t get home until midnight, so it’s going up today.  Merry Christmas!  Or if Christmas is not your thing, I hope you’re having a fabulous holiday season of your choice!

Reindeer Games

26 comments on “Stop! It’s the Holiday Season Food Police!

  • Q: Are You Sure You Should Be Eating That?
    A: Yes. (this followed by the most pornographic eating scene possible without exposing Naughty Bits to those unworthy of the sight)

    Idiotic Statement: I couldn’t possibly eat that… I’d get fat!
    A: I got fat first, so I guess I can have it. Good for me!

    Q: Don’t you know being fat will make you die?
    A: So will being born.

    Merriest of happies, Kath! I’m looking forward to a New Year full of your wit, wisdom, and general awesomeness.

  • Them: ‘I’m going to get SO FAT after all of this.’
    You: ‘Only if you’re lucky.’
    The retorts to all of those rehashed food police favorites were TOO funny! Merry Christmas to all, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year!

  • *I have nothing better to do with my time than turn up on a complete stranger’s blog and try to prove that I’m “better” by spewing ignorance and hate. I’m actually spending my Christmas break doing this. Goes to show just what kind of fabulous life I have if I’m sitting at home on my computer trying to bully people online at Christmas.

    I’m SO desperate to prove to myself that I am not a worthless human being that I have to bully others to make myself feel good. I don’t have the emotional intelligence to realise what a colossal dick that makes me, instead I parade my ignorance here for all of you to see, and try to tell the world that you hate yourself, when the reality is, it’s me that hates myself.

    I’m really quite pathetic. I’m so ashamed of myself that I won’t even identify myself when I’m supposedly proving how much “better” I am at life.*

  • My grandma was a pro at making those unwanted police comments. She offered you a second serving, when you ate it it was: “Girl you really have to loose weight!”

    • I don’t “promote fat acceptance” anonymous coward, I promote fat liberation. Which means the freedom to call yourself anything you want, celebrate your body at whatever size it is, and use the word “fat” without it having a negative connotation. Only someone who hates fat people would consider it “demeaning”. What is demeaning is people like you who have nothing better to do than lurk around fat people’s spaces online and behave like douchecanoes. How do you look yourself in the mirror if you think that’s an acceptable way to behave?

      However, I do accept other people’s need to find their own fat bodies “acceptable”. I am worth so much more than “acceptance”, I’m worth honour, respect and dignity.

      • I just asked a question and you blew up as if I said the worst thing in the world. How are people supposed to understand and support your cause if you’re nasty to everyone who asks a simple question? How am I supposed to just understand someone calling themselves a heffalump? It seems like your movement is more about your own pent-up anger, than fat liberation or fat acceptance or whatever. Yes, maybe I should go back to my own world of thin people in nice clothes and forget trying to understand what you’re going through. I won’t say I was an idiot for trying to find out about fat liberation, because learning anything new is good. But my research definitely ends here.

        I was actually beginning to sympathize with how it must feel to be mistreated as an obese person everyday. Sure, you might be offended by me feeling sorry, but that’s how I felt. I felt sorry. But maybe people mistreat some of you because you’re mean and rude, NOT because you’re fat.

        It was a waste of my precious time even trying to read these kinds of blogs. At least even on the worst pro-ana/pro-mia blogs, the girls are NICE to strangers and don’t get angry if you ask a question about why they do what they do. Yeah, the skinny, diet-addicted girls you actively hate on, are nicer than you. This corner of cyberspace isn’t where I belong at all, is it?

        I’m done with trying to understand any of what you guys are talking about. Bye.

        • You know what? Fuck you cowardly “WHY” with your fake email address. Fuck you for thinking you have the RIGHT to come here and demand I explain myself to you when EVERYTHING I said in the comment can be found said over and over and over and over in the contents of this blog if you weren’t so lazy and took the time to read it. How dare you expect me to be polite answering a fake-arse “question” that I have heard a thousand times over.

          You did not “ask a question” – you came here to try to undermine me. You came here ANONYMOUSLY like the coward you are to try to discredit me because I choose to use the word fat in my name. You came here to lord it over fat people. I can tell by the way you announce to me in the above comment that you’re thin and your world of nice clothes. You think a decent person rubs their privilege in other people’s noses? What kind of douchebag does that? No, you came over here to flaunt your privilege and announce to myself and those reading that you believe that we should be polite and contrite and nice to you, or you won’t support us.

          You never felt sorry for one second or you would have actually responded “I apologise for not understanding, I will read your blog further to listen to what you are saying.” You simply wanted to come here and try to make me bow and scrape at your feet. Well it’s not going to happen. I am under no obligation to be nice to an anonymous jerk on MY blog. Instead I’m going to hand you your arse and highlight what a complete coward you are.

          Especially when you use people who have mental illness (girls with eating disorders – and pro-ana/pro-mia is a manifestation of MENTAL ILLNESS you scum) to try to prove a point. You claim I hate on them (find where, arsehole) and then USE these poor people to try to prove a point. How disgusting is that? What kind of low life uses people who are so deeply hurting and struggling to try to prove a point? Only one lower than the dirt on my shoes.

          Fuck you. I don’t have to be polite to anyone who comes here anonymously with STUPID questions and attitudes. You better believe I’m going to get angry at an ignorant, hateful, cowardly piece of work like you. I am under no obligation to be “nice” to someone who is being so horrible to us.

          Guess what, gutless “WHY”? Your sympathy and fake “support” is not wanted or welcome. Your attitude towards us is offensive (after all, you call us “obese people” despite the fact that we say over and over and over again that it’s a horrible word) and hateful. We are not reliant on you for liberation. Surprise surprise – you’re not important to us. In fact, you’re so unimportant to us that we will be THRILLED if you fuck off and never come back to this blog.

  • Kath- I love your “fat heffalump” moniker; while growing up, my little brother couldn’t say my name so he defaulted to NiNi; I found out later in life that it was a rather ugly Hawaiian Goose (maybe not to other gooses?) that had the privilege of being the designated State Bird. I embrace the name, though.

  • Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Kath.

    As I approach my 61st Birthday, I regret the years that I spent obsessing about what other people thought when watching me eat in public. I now savor good food in private and public, and to hell with what other people think. Life is too short and worrying about other people, and ignoring your own well-being is not a healthy way to exist.

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