It’s that time of year again. The “let’s be a jerk comments about food” time of year. I don’t know about you, but I’m quite done with it already and it’s only Christmas Eve!*
Eating while fat at any time is a fraught exercise. I just read a great post over on Shakesville by Aphra Behn on the weekend, take the time to go read it if you haven’t already. But come the holiday season, and that really can extend any time from about late October through to oh, February, depending on where you live, it really gets intense. So many people turn into the food police. I don’t know about you, but when someone drops a food police bomb on me, more often than not I’m so taken aback by it that I can’t respond in the moment. I’m already traumatised by food thanks to a lifetime of dieting and disordered eating, without having someone be a jerk over it. Even though I’m well seasoned (see what I did there?) in dealing with food police.
So I thought I might drop a few examples with useful responses here that we could all use, and if you have any good ones you can put them in the comments.
“Oh, my diet is going to be SO ruined by this!”
“Well, you don’t have to eat any of this, we’ll understand if you choose not to, but we plan to enjoy it.”
“I didn’t realise that eating this was compulsory.”
“Like your diet isn’t going to be ruined by the fact that it’s an unsustainable way of feeding yourself in the long term.”
“That’s probably a good thing, it’s a well established fact that 95% of diets cause you to gain more weight in the long term than you lose.”
“This pie is SO sinful!”
“There’s a church at [insert nearby church address here] – I’m sure they’ll take your confession.”
“I’m more worried about the three firemen I shagged last night blotting my virtue.”
“I love the smell of brimstone in the morning!”
“It’s just pie, it’s not the anti-Christ.”
“Are you sure you haven’t had enough to eat already?”
“Are you sure what I eat is any of your business?”
“No. I think I’ll have some more. Thanks for checking in with me.”
“Why – is there more food somewhere?”
“Clearly not, or I wouldn’t be preparing to eat this.”
“That can’t be good for your health.”
“I didn’t know you’d gone and got a medical degree!”
“That’s so nice of you to worry about my health. Would you mind looking at this rash I have… *zip*… down here?”
“Worry is worse for your health, so you take care and stop worrying about what I eat.”
“A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!”
“I’m not smearing it on my arse.”
“How about if I chew it REALLY slowly? Will that be longer than a moment on my lips?”
“A moment on the lips, a lifetime of embarrassment for making such a stupid statement!”
“Oh, no, I’m watching my weight.”
“That must be boring viewing.”
“Why, does it do tricks?”
“I’m going to get SO FAT after all of this.”
“I’m fat, what’s wrong with being fat?”
“So you don’t want to be like me then?”
“Probably.” (this one REALLY sticks in their craw!)
“We are all going to have to get on the treadmill tonight!”
“I don’t have to do anything of the sort, you worry about your body, I’ll worry about mine.”
“You do realise that human beings are not combustion engines right? Bodies are far more complex than calories in/calories out.”
“If you want to be a hamster on a wheel for your evening entertainment, go for it. I’ve got better things to do.”
*Stares at your food/plate*
Grab something off the plate and lick it and then put it back on the plate. Say “There, now steal it.”
Take a fork/spoon full, raise it really, really slowly to your mouth, eat it really sexily and roll your eyes and make orgasm sounds. Add a “Damn this is good!” for effect.
Pick up something small from your plate and throw it at them.
How’s that to get you all started on dealing with the food police? Again, if you have any good ones, leave them in the comments so that we can build up an arsenal against the jerks out there who think they have a right to comment on our food and eating.
*I had this all ready to post last night but I spent too many hours having a beautiful roast chicken dinner with cheesecake and plum pudding with friends while we drooled over Tom Hiddleston as Loki, and didn’t get home until midnight, so it’s going up today. Merry Christmas! Or if Christmas is not your thing, I hope you’re having a fabulous holiday season of your choice!