For any of you who follow the comments on my posts, you can see that I have a fairly steady stream of people trying to make me feel shitty by leaving hateful comments. I have to tell you, they are unbelievably boring. It’s always the same thing. That’s why I edit their comments now, because I have to get some amusement out of them, and I figure many of you might get a laugh too. Hell we may as well amuse ourselves with these losers if they’re going to keep hanging around here.
However, I’m often asked for advice on how to deal with douchey people who make nasty comments about their weight or appearance. The thing is, the kind of comments people ask me how to deal with are the same, boring-as-bat-shit-old-hat-pathetic-excuse-for-an-attempt-to-be-clever thing that I see here all the time. Honestly, I can pinpoint a handful of the same thing said to fat women over and over and over. I can’t believe I ever let that sort of thing get to me – it’s so unoriginal!
So I figured we’d feed two birds with one seed (I don’t like killing birds with stones!) – I can create a list of Frequently Heard Asshattery (FHA) so that I can refer trolls to how unoriginal they are, while also highlighting just how pointless it is to let this tired old pap make you feel bad. So, without any further ado, here is my list of Frequently Heard Asshattery.
You’re fat/hey fatty/landwhale/hamplanet/[insert other reference to me being fat here].
NO SHIT SHERLOCK. How long did it take you to work that one out? Was it the fact that this blog is called Fat Heffalump? Or that I refer to myself as a fat activist? Perhaps it was one of the hundreds of pictures of my fat arse that I’ve posted all over the internet? You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.
Besides, I like fat people, I like fat animals, I like fat artwork. You are in fact, complimenting me.
Put down the cheeseburger/fries/[insert other food reference here].
Only if you put down the keyboard first. What I eat is nobody’s business but mine, what you do with your keyboard is far more problematic.
You should kill yourself.
How about you demonstrate how it’s done for us first? I’m waiting…
You’re ugly and I don’t get a boner when I look at you.
It’s not my problem that you’ve got a limp dick. You can rest assured, I not only find you repulsive and have no intention of seeking sexual contact with you, I can also find plenty of other people who do get a boner (or lady boner) when they look at me.
However, if you’re protesting too much because I do give you a boner and you’re embarrassed about being attracted to a fat woman, perhaps talking to a psychologist would help you with your shame about your own sexuality. Please stop fapping over my photos.
But being fat is unhealthy!!
Provide me with unbiased scientific evidence of that. What is unhealthy is spending your time attempting to bully people on the internet. Again, a good psychologist would help you deal with those issues.
Get off your fat arse and do some exercise.
Why do you think about my fat arse so much?
I’ll make you a deal. You grow some gonads (of the gender of your choice) and identify yourself fully to me, since I’m not hiding behind anonymity online, and I’ll dedicate my next bike ride, swim or walk in your name. I’ll even document it.
By the way, yelling “Get some exercise fatty!” while I’m riding my bike, swimming or walking makes you look REALLY, REALLY stupid.
Everyone knows [insert anti-fat sentiment here]…
Stop right there Sparky. Everyone once knew the earth was flat. Everyone once knew that frontal lobotomies were a good idea. Your point is redundant, not only can “everyone” not know a thing at all, but “everyone” can be seriously fucking wrong.
Stop being so angry/mean/such a bitch.
Sure. You stop saying all of the frankly boring and stupid things above, and I’ll be as happy as sunshine.
That’s it. That’s what 99% of the hate comments that are made anywhere on fat blogs and spaces say. Eight different variations on the same theme. Not only have we heard it all before, but it’s stupid as well. It’s so not worth our time and energy getting upset by it.