Frequently Heard Asshattery

Published February 6, 2014 by Fat Heffalump

For any of you who follow the comments on my posts, you can see that I have a fairly steady stream of people trying to make me feel shitty by leaving hateful comments.  I have to tell you, they are unbelievably boring.  It’s always the same thing.  That’s why I edit their comments now, because I have to get some amusement out of them, and I figure many of you might get a laugh too.  Hell we may as well amuse ourselves with these losers if they’re going to keep hanging around here.

However, I’m often asked for advice on how to deal with douchey people who make nasty comments about their weight or appearance.   The thing is, the kind of comments people ask me how to deal with are the same, boring-as-bat-shit-old-hat-pathetic-excuse-for-an-attempt-to-be-clever thing that I see here all the time.  Honestly, I can pinpoint a handful of the same thing said to fat women over and over and over.   I can’t believe I ever let that sort of thing get to me – it’s so unoriginal!

So I figured we’d feed two birds with one seed (I don’t like killing birds with stones!) – I can create a list of Frequently Heard Asshattery (FHA) so that I can refer trolls to how unoriginal they are, while also highlighting just how pointless it is to let this tired old pap make you feel bad.  So, without any further ado, here is my list of Frequently Heard Asshattery.

You’re fat/hey fatty/landwhale/hamplanet/[insert other reference to me being fat here].

NO SHIT SHERLOCK.  How long did it take you to work that one out?  Was it the fact that this blog is called Fat Heffalump?  Or that I refer to myself as a fat activist?  Perhaps it was one of the hundreds of pictures of my fat arse that I’ve posted all over the internet?  You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.

Besides, I like fat people, I like fat animals, I like fat artwork.  You are in fact, complimenting me.

Put down the cheeseburger/fries/[insert other food reference here].

Only if you put down the keyboard first.  What I eat is nobody’s business but mine, what you do with your keyboard is far more problematic.

You should kill yourself.

How about you demonstrate how it’s done for us first?  I’m waiting…

You’re ugly and I don’t get a boner when I look at you.

It’s not my problem that you’ve got a limp dick.  You can rest assured, I not only find you repulsive and have no intention of seeking sexual contact with you, I can also find plenty of other people who do get a boner (or lady boner) when they look at me.

However, if you’re protesting too much because I do give you a boner and you’re embarrassed about being attracted to a fat woman, perhaps talking to a psychologist would help you with your shame about your own sexuality.  Please stop fapping over my photos.

But being fat is unhealthy!!

Provide me with unbiased scientific evidence of that.  What is unhealthy is spending your time attempting to bully people on the internet.  Again, a good psychologist would help you deal with those issues.

Get off your fat arse and do some exercise.

Why do you think about my fat arse so much?

I’ll make you a deal.  You grow some gonads (of the gender of your choice) and identify yourself fully to me, since I’m not hiding behind anonymity online, and I’ll dedicate my next bike ride, swim or walk in your name.  I’ll even document it.

By the way, yelling “Get some exercise fatty!” while I’m riding my bike, swimming or walking makes you look REALLY, REALLY stupid.

Everyone knows [insert anti-fat sentiment here]…

Stop right there Sparky.  Everyone once knew the earth was flat.  Everyone once knew that frontal lobotomies were a good idea.  Your point is redundant, not only can “everyone” not know a thing at all, but “everyone” can be seriously fucking wrong.

Stop being so angry/mean/such a bitch.

Sure.  You stop saying all of the frankly boring and stupid things above, and I’ll be as happy as sunshine.


That’s it.  That’s what 99% of the hate comments that are made anywhere on fat blogs and spaces say.  Eight different variations on the same theme.  Not only have we heard it all before, but it’s stupid as well.  It’s so not worth our time and energy getting upset by it.

57 comments on “Frequently Heard Asshattery

  • Oh that made me laugh! I had a stupid man at the pools the other day tell me I was too fat to wear a bikini *sigh*. I merely pointed out that said bikini was in fact the correct size, that being so I was in fact not to fat for it *rolls eyes*.

    • Thanks Tegan, I know that I’m certainly more awesome than someone who spends their life leaving tedious hate on people’s blogs. But it doesn’t take much to be more awesome than that!

  • Please don’t ever “stop being so angry/mean/such a bitch.” Aside from the fact that your rapier wit and indomitable sense of humor make for some extremely entertaining bitchcraft, you’re actually being quite the opposite of a bitch by getting angry and mean about the cruelty and self-righteous bigotry that is the “War on Obesity.” I can tell by looking at your pictures that you’re not a person who enjoys negativity and conflict – I don’t know many people who can smile with their entire body the way that you do!

    Not only do I (sincerely) think that you’re a very beautiful woman, I think the whole world is a lovelier place for having you on board. Thank you for sharing your life with us!

  • Wow, hamplanet? That’s …. different. They probably felt very proud coming up with that one all by themselves, but really. Hamplanet?

    • That’s a reddit loser term Kate. Hamplanet and hambeast. It pops up in my troll comments ALL the time. I mean it’s just so WITTY… referring to pigs/fat/animals/gigantic things. I’m sure the origin of it was from someone in the second grade.

  • Wow good for you. You are so right about these cowards hiding behind anonymity, and doing much more harm with a keyboard, and that they need psychological help for anger and bullying. You seem to be anti-hate, and haters can’t resist spitting venom at you. I admire your strength.

      • I agree it’s totally strange. When I witness oppression I find it comes from either (a) ignorance or (b) insecurity. Ignorant people usually adopt an oppressive language because they’ve been socialised to express themselves in this way and often don’t think that what they are doing is wrong and hurtful. When I call them out, it usually works out. Insecure people I find don’t change unless they feel their behaviour will result in ostracism from a social hierarchy they value. Insecure people just love drawing down on their privilege (thin, racial, male etc) and using that to reinforce their standing when they feel insecure – for example I know someone thin who loves hating on fat people (her reasoning: they cost the health system, but like, her smoker boyfriend doesn’t!) and she’s insecure about a number of things. I’ve tried reasoning with her but I realise the only way to deal with her hate is to just make it plain that I think fat-hating is a waste of time.

        I really enjoy your blog. I read it a lot! I’m not fat in the sense that I experience oppression and hatred for my size, thus I’m blinded to a lot of oppression because I simply don’t experience it. I came to this blog because I was sick of fat hating and I wanted to expose myself to a corner of society that isn’t steeped in self-hatred (I think to hate on others is a reflection of how much you hate yourself, or at least that your self-esteem comes with strings attached!) This blog reenforces my acceptance of my fat and it’s great to be able to participate in a space that’s about empowerment.

        Thanks for being awesome!

          • Thanks for the correction. It’s uncomfortable for me to own my privilege and although I acknowledge it in my head (I was toying with that word when writing my post) when push came to shove I didn’t want to be part of that power structure which I associate with people who ride off their thin privilege to put others down. It’s like being covered in slime. But ain’t much oppression going to be fought from this side if I don’t like feeling a bit uncomfortable with my privilege – so thanks.

  • You seriously made me smile / laugh / all of the above, so much I had to read it to my husband! I immediately hit the follow button and sent the link to my sister. You’re epic! Don’t let anyone say differently x

  • Reblogged this on Run Fat Girl Run and commented:
    I have to share this because it is completely true. Whether you’re out minding your own business, working, walking, on holiday or whatever there are constantly people who feel the need to make shitty comments about fat women. My husband ex is so focused on the fact that I’m fat that she can’t even get on with her life after several year. Get over it! I’m fat, I love myself and he loves me.

    • Wow. What an intellectual powerhouse you are. Calling people fat names. I bet you have a really powerful, high paying job with an intellect like that. Not to mention lots of friends who love to spend time with you.

      Oh wait. That’s right. You’re a sad little troll sitting at home on your computer alone, making childish taunts to desperately try to get some attention from someone, ANYONE.

    • Look. Some of us left the third grade when we actually FINISHED the third grade. We didn’t stay in it spouting “lol yr fat hardee-har I am so smart”. Crawl back into whatever stinking reddit hole it was that you came from. You can’t even come up with something original, you’re boring us all shitless and wasting our time.

      Better still, GET A LIFE. I’m sorry you don’t have any friends. I’m sorry that you’re so filled with hate that you have nothing better to do with your time than spew childish taunts on the internet to get attention.

      God, your life must be so unbelievably depressing. I can’t imagine how horrible it is to be you.

  • For someone who says they don’t care about what others say, you sure spend a lot of time talking about them. No surprise you’re likely to censor this comment.

  • Don’t you just love the way people who come here to hate on me call it “censorship” when I remove that bullshit? Most of them don’t even understand what censorship is.

    Plus, if they think I’m such a horrible human being, why are they here? Why do they waste your precious time lurking around someone they supposedly hate?

    See the reality is, they envy me. They want what I’ve got, which is the confidence to not let the cowards who crawl here from their sad little lives make me think less of myself.

    Perhaps, instead of wasting their lives trying to bring other people down, perhaps it would be better spent actually filling their life with the things they do like. Or is that the problem? They’re so poisoned by their own self-hatred that they can’t find a single thing to find joy in, so they fill their lives with trying to spread the misery they feel themselves?

    Only it doesn’t work that way. Spreading more misery only makes your own misery grow. Again, I feel sorry for anyone who lives like that. It really is pathetic.

  • You know, these morons are STILL turning up? Like they make a single difference to what I do or who I am. They trot out the same tired old bullshit, even though it’s all said above in my post like the bingo card Terri mentions, they say it again, like they’re doing something new and fresh. Like they have any power over me – I’m the one with the power here. I’m the one that has these losers spending hour after hour after hour of their lives pouring over every mention of my name. But to me? They’re nothing more than a source of mild irritation. Like a zit.

    I know you sad sorry arses can’t get enough of me. You love me. Otherwise why would you be here?

  • I wonder why you recommend psychological help for violence. You talk about needing such help yourself and I don’t think there is a link between needing a psychologist and being a bully on the internet. Nor is there anything shameful about needing any sort of help. So I wonder whether there are other ways to call out bullies that do not move on from awful fat shaming to equally awful mad shaming.

    • I recommend psychological help for perpetrators violence and bullying because they NEED psychological help. There is no shame in that at all – the shame is entirely in their bullying behaviour – not their need for treatment. In fact, getting psychological help would be the HEALTHY thing for them to do. But they’re not interested in anyone’s health, let alone their own.

      A happy, healthy, emotionally balanced person does not bully others. They do not spend their time spreading hatred, trying to tear people down, or hanging around someone/where that they clearly hate. Psychological help would not only make their lives better, but it would mean that we have one less societal bully to deal with.

      The fact that you use the term “mad shaming” tells me a lot about your attitude to mental illness. Don’t waste my time or your own clutching at straws.

  • Love this post and all that you do! I’m average sized myself, but blogs like these inspire me as it should inspire a lot of other people as most of us wouldn’t be “conventionally beautiful” and we need the strength of people like you to look up to.

    I also love how you smile and your fabulous outfits (just had to get that in)

    I don’t get why it’s so difficult for people to understand how the “health is more than size” idea works. Alright, so maybe some fat people start off with a problem, but if they’re taking charge of it by eating well and being active, then they’re better than another person lounging on the couch all day with junk food. And the point is, no one unacquainted with you can can tell if you’re lifestyle is healthy or not (especially not some random stranger on the internet)!!

    If one is active and eating healthy, one might lose weight, or might not. Depends on the person, so why stress about it? As long as it’s functioning well and it’s healthy, it’s fine. It’s a body. Rock it.

    I believe that with respect and love, most people will do what is best for them, including living healthier and improving themselves every day. No need for shaming and bullying.

    • Thank you for your kind words, and you’re on a good start Sarah, but I have to pull you up on a few things.

      1. Nobody is obliged to be healthy. Some people have illness, disabilities or injuries – that is their business and they’re under no obligation to “prove” their worth to the world based on health. It is ableism to assume that “good health” (which is an arbitrary measure anyway) is in any way compulsory.

      2. Nobody is “better” than someone else because they have good health, or because of what they eat or what exercise they do. ALL people, regardless of their body, have a right to dignity and respect. There is no such thing as “good” fat people and “bad” fat people. Even people (fat or thin – thin people do that too) who sit on the sofa all day eating junk food have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

      3. What other people eat, and what they do with their bodies by way of activity, is nobody’s business but their own. They do not have to prove they are “taking charge by eating well and being active” to be worthy of dignity and respect.

      I hope you can understand just why some of your comment is problematic and that you are on the right track, but there are things that need to be clarified for the sake of people of all sizes, levels of “health” and physical ability.

  • I just can’t get over “hamplanet.”



    It sounds like She-Ra’s sidekick, who gets called in when something immovable needs to be punched, lifted, or shoved out of the way. The music quotes a bit from the “Jupiter” movement of Holtz’s The Planets whenever she arrives, and everyone pronounces her name with the H and the P clearly capitalized. Hey, we’re talking about a series with a net-tossing character named Netossa.

  • Couldn’t agree more. It’s the same crap, recycled again and again, and the trolls seem to think we haven’t heard it all before. They seem to think that they are pulling out a brilliant new gem we haven’t heard before, instead it’s just the same fossilized fecal matter presented by the same pathetic fools. Keep being awesome Kath! And on a side note thank you for posting where you get your wonderful clothes, I was able to throw some business to some great companies that way. 🙂

    • That’s just it isn’t it Beth, it’s the same old crap recycled from primary school. EARLY primary school! “Fossilised fecal matter” is brilliant! They just keep handing us coprolite, ha!

  • Ha ha! Kath, you are priceless!!! I love the way you call these idiots out on their asshattery (funny word – must be synonymous with “stupidity”). You’re right, it’s amazing how these guys say the same stupid crap over and over again, then act as if they’re so amazingly clever that we should all be bowled over by their wit and brilliance. Uh, sorry, dickweed, so not happening! To see real troll stupidity in action, read the article “Talk Radio Callers” in Marilyn Wann’s brilliant book “Fat!So?”. She nails it on the head exactly what must be going through the pea-in-an-empty-coffee-can that functions for a brain of these trolls.

  • About the only good thing re: these dumb comments is you can get pretty creative thinking up smartarse replies. ‘You’re fat!’ ‘And you must be Capt. Obvious!’ Or really blow their minds by calmly saying ‘Yes I am. Thanks for noticing.’ Leave them standing there, scratching their heads. Or do like you do, take their stupid comments, and reword them so they wind up sounding as stupid as they really are. I love your replies. I hope you don’t mind if I use them – in my own style, of course. (I.E. ‘Stop being so mean!’ ‘Then stop being stupid!’) P.S. The article in ‘Fat!So?’ I mentioned is actually called ‘Talk Radio and You’. Seriously, if you haven’t read this book, read it! I get my copy from the local library and I’m reading it for, like, the kajillionth time. Just this article alone shows you how ridiculous the fat-hating troll mindset is.

  • Okay, I don’t usually write in a 3rd time, but I couldn’t resist adding this comment. In ‘Fat!So?’, there’s a section titled ‘What do you like about being fat?’ Well, one of the answers was ‘It’s a built-in jerk detector’. Can you imagine the fun you could have with this? Someone starts in and tries to insult you, and tries to be all ‘what’s so great about being fat?’ or something, and you whip out this little statement and then start going ‘uh oh – it’s picking something up…WHOA! It’s off the scale! Dadadadada…’ as you’re moving your finger around, then point at them ‘dadada – JERK! JERK! JERK! Whoa, this thing is going berserk!’ May not be nice, but it sure would be fun!!!

    • Y’all seriously can’t come up with anything more original than something that equates to “y’all are fat and y’all eat lots, har har har”. In fact you can’t even spell my username in your fake email address.

      I mean come on. I can fart something more clever than that.

  • Can you offer advice on how to help out a fat friend who is upset with her body image? She’s an absolutely gorgeous girl inside and out, but her insecurities are preventing her from being happy with herself, and the world can be so unkind (as evidenced by the moronic bullshit your trollies leave you). What sort of things would you have liked to hear from someone you were close to when you were feeling down about your fabulous fat self?

    • I should also add that I’m a person of thin privilege. I don’t want to downplay what my dear one is going through or sound insensitive, as I’ve never experienced anything like what she’s dealing with.

    • You know, the best thing I think you can do is accept her for who she is, and every time she is down on herself, say “To me, you are gorgeous, inside and out.” Just keep saying it. If you honestly believe it, then say it. She may just start to entertain the thought herself if she hears it enough.

      But other than that, speak up about fat hate. Critique the weight loss industry. Hell, critique any industry that has anything to do with women. Surround yourself (and her) in feminism. Focus on complimenting people for things other than how they look. Their style, their kindness, their humour, their intellect, their strength. Not only will it be good for your friend, but it will be good for you and everyone around you.

  • *It’s me, Vedis/Vedis Friend/Lycandro and now I have a new name, I’m sock puppeting again, pretending to be another person because I’m too thick to realise that the blog owner can see my details. I am not even original enough to go past making a “hardee har put down the cheeseburger” comment.*

    • You keep trying dickhead, but I can see you’re the same person over and over and over again.

      Surely you have a life to live? Don’t you have any real life friends you can irritate?

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