Dear My Size… NO.

**Update** My Size have blocked me from commenting on their Facebook page.  It seems that instead of addressing criticism about their marketing, they just shut any of their target audience that dares speak up out.  They will never get another penny of my money, and I will continue to  monitor their marketing and publicly criticise it if it continues to be as bad as it has been of late.

I just opened my Facebook to see this post from Australian plus-size clothing retailer My Size*:

[image description: cartoon of two children, a girl and a boy, and the boy is whispering in the girl’s ear “Dear Girls, Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in manure. Yes you’ll get attention, but mostly from pigs. Sincerely, Real Men.”]

And I’m gobsmacked.  I mean, who is writing their social media PR, Tony Abbott?  Rush Limbaugh?  This is beyond a joke.  Not only is the cartoon really douchey, but look at the comment from My Size under it:

Styles come and go but class stays forever!  Wen you’re putting your outfit together, make sure that you feel comfortable, not too much is on show and that everything fits well.

I mean seriously!  Let’s break this down and have a look at exactly why this whole post is just disgusting  We’ll start with the cartoon itself.

1. My Size sells plus-size women’s clothing.  “Dear Girls” is incredibly infantilising.  Your customers are not girls who need instruction on how to behave.  We are women.
2. Dressing immodestly?  Who chooses what is modest and what is immodest?  I work with people who consider pants “immodest”.  Some people consider women exposing their hair “immodest”.  “Modesty” is a completely arbitrary measure.
3. This is slut shaming.  It basically says that girls should be “modest” if they want to be treated with respect.  That the only attention “immodest” girls (which suggests women who are sexual, or show any of their flesh) is from “pigs”.
4. So dressing “immodestly” is like rolling around in manure.  Are you suggesting that women who don’t dress to some standard of “modesty” look like shit My Size?
5. And the signature – “Sincerely, Real Men”.  Who gets to decide which men are “real”?  What if men like women who dress sexy?  Does that mean they are by default pigs?
6. I don’t know about most of you, but I don’t get up in the morning and decide what to wear based on how “Real Men” (whatever that is) will judge my outfit.  I dress for ME and how men, real or otherwise, feel about my outfit is irrelevant.

But the caption written by the My Size staffer is a whole new level of judgemental bullshit.

1. The whole style vs class thing.   Again, who decides what is stylish and what is classy?  Does classy mean expensive?  Or “modest”?  Yet another arbitrary judgement of what is acceptable and what isn’t.
2. “Make sure you feel comfortable and that everything fits well” – yep, I’m with you there.  Comfort and clothes that fit you so that you are comfortable and not pulling, tugging and adjusting is a great idea.
3. But “not too much is on show”.  Excuse me, are you selling me clothes My Size or are you caring for my immortal soul?  Who gets to decide what is “too much”.  Is my cleavage, or my legs, or my arms, or whatever other flesh I choose to show “too offensive” because I’m fat or just because I’m a woman?    What happens if I show “too much”?  Oh that’s right, I look like shit and only get attention from pigs.

Look, I don’t care how people choose to dress.  Covered from neck to ankle, or with their flesh exposed all over the place, that’s their choice, their bodies and their lives.  But I do care when a business that is supposed to be selling me fashionable plus-sized clothing for my fat body starts preaching about modesty, “real men” and class.  It’s not your job My Size to tell women how to dress, it’s your job to provide options to your customers,  so that they may choose for themselves how they wish to dress.  But if you as a business are not a fan of revealing clothes, then simply don’t offer them in your product lines – those who want something more sexy or revealing will go elsewhere, or they’ll doctor your products (wear a top as a dress anyone?)  After all, what products you wish to offer are yours to decide, and in turn any customers/potential customers will make their own choice as to whether or not they wish to spend their money with you.

I also care when a business engages in misogyny, fat shaming and slut shaming.  I care when a business suggests that my role is to dress to please “real men”, or to earn respect from people other than “pigs”.  I care when a business suggests that somehow if a woman is “immodest” that she isn’t “classy”.  I care when a business suggests that my body should be covered as if it is something to be ashamed of.

This kind of post is not acceptable on social media (or anywhere else) from a business, especially not one aimed at plus-sized women.  Bad form My Size, very bad form.  You won’t be getting any of my money in the near future.

*not linking to them, you can use your Google Fu to find them, right now I don’t want to promote them positively in any way.  And as of publication, the image I took a screen shot of and posted above is still live, with several people echoing my sentiments at how douchey the post is.

Why I Will Be Participating in SlutWalk

So you may have seen some buzz around lately in the media about an event called SlutWalk.  What SlutWalk is, is a rally/march in protest of the cultural attitude that a woman may “deserve” to be raped/sexually assaulted, based on measures of what she wears, whether or not she is consuming drugs or alcohol, or her sexual activity, amongst other things.

SlutWalk began in Toronto, Canada after a police officer giving a talk at a college campus safety information session stated that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised”.  Quite understandably so, the people of Toronto were angry at this and a protest event sprang up very quickly, the inaugural SlutWalk.  As the word spread around the world, allies all around the world have been organising their own local event to send the message that slut-shaming victims of rape/sexual assault is not acceptable.

Just a couple of days ago, I read this amazing speech given at Boston SlutWalk by Jaclyn Friedman.  Jaclyn really expresses most of my own thoughts (and a whole lot more) in her piece.  Don’t miss it – whether you watch the video or read the transcript.

A lot of women really have a problem with the term “slut” and some have refused to take part in the events because of the name.  Many feel that it is a derogatory term that shouldn’t be used to describe women, and feel that “reclaiming” the word encourages people to use the word to shame women who are sexually active, who enjoy sex or who dress in a manner that is considered “sexy”.

To be honest, I am inclined to agree.  It is a word that is used to shame and bully women, to control them by socially policing them into shame for having any form of sexuality and sexual expression.  It’s not a word I want to hear used to describe women and/or girls.

But that said, I am still going to participate in SlutWalk.

Why?  Because I feel it is of the highest importance that we, as a society, stand up and speak out against the rape culture that implies that women “asked for” or somehow deserved rape in any way, shape or form.  We need to speak out against a culture that tries to control women by dictating what they wear, what they do with their own bodies and how they conduct their sex lives.

Because I believe there is nothing that anyone can do or say that makes them deserve rape.  Ever.

But most importantly, as a sexual assault survivor myself, a rape survivor myself (I still have issues using that word in reference to my own experience) who has been doubted, questioned and denied the right to name what happened to me, I need to speak out against a culture that puts the onus of preventing rape on the victim, instead of where it should be, on the perpetrator.

The very reason I never reported my own rape (and other sexual assaults) was because I was led to believe that it was somehow my fault that I was raped.  I was shamed for being a victim of a horrible, violent act that someone else perpetrated against me.

So on the 28th of May, I will be joining the Brisbane SlutWalk, not to reclaim the word slut or proclaim myself a proud slut, but to stand up and stay that nobody deserves rape for any reason.

I urge you to become involved in the SlutWalk in your local area.  Don’t let the shame pushed at women hold you back from speaking out against the injustice of rape apologism and victim blaming.

Talking about Rape: I Think I’m Ready

**Please note that this post may be highly triggering and gives descriptions of sexual assault, abuse and rape scenarios**

Yesterday, I saw just one too many comments in my Facebook news feed from one of my friends making excuses for rape.  Until that moment, I think I was still, in some small way, blaming myself for the things that had happened to me.  I was still making excuses for the men who sexually assaulted and raped me.  But that latest statement that popped up in front of me on Facebook just broke something in me and out of fury and frustration and simply being fed up, I posted the following statement to everyone on my Facebook status:

I am declaring zero tolerance on rape jokes, rape apologism and slut shaming. I hear that shit from anyone and they are not welcome in my life. 1 in 3 women are sexually assaulted. Look around at the women in your life. One third of them have been sexually assaulted. Is it your daughter? Your sister? Your mother? Your friend?

You think it’s nobody in your life? You’re wrong. I am one of the 1 in 3. And this is the first time I’ve ever admitted it to anyone. I was sexually assaulted.

Still think that rape joke is funny now?

I am still a little bit shocked at myself for coming out as a sexual assault survivor to everyone I know.  I am still struggling with using the word rape in reference to what happened to me, though I know that rape is exactly what happened to me.  But I also know that I have had enough, that I want to walk away from all of the things that those experience put on my shoulders, that I have been carrying for all of these years.

I’m tired of suffering through my supposed friends and other people in my life making rape jokes and excuses for rape.  I’m tired of hearing people say unbelievably ignorant and insensitive things about “other” women*, that they suggest are lying, drunk, regretful, asking for it, all of which could apply to ME, their friend, relative, colleague.  I’m tired of people thinking that it’s acceptable to use the word rape to describe damaging something out of spite or anger ie “This stupid computer is a piece of shit, it needs to be raped!”  I’m tired of the jokes about “surprise sex”.  I’m tired of people suggesting that someone they like or admire could not possibly be a rapist.

I want to put a face and a name and a person to the picture when the people in my life make these jokes and excuses.  And I want to tell the people in my life that I will have zero tolerance for that kind of attitude, ignorance and behaviour.

So often, people try to blur the lines or make excuses for rape.  Usually because they don’t know the victim, or they don’t like her.  I want people to realise that they know so many rape survivors, that it’s their loved ones they’re talking about.  Their daughters, sisters, mothers, wives, girlfriends, friends, aunts, cousins, grandmothers, neighbours, friends, colleagues.  If you’re reading this, and you think you don’t know someone who has been raped, think again.  One in three women are survivors of sexual assault.  Now, make a list of all the women you know.  Divide that list by three.  It’s highly likely that the number you come to is indicative of how many of those women you know are survivors of sexual assault.  Maybe even more.  But it is likely that you won’t know just how many or which ones because there is SO much shame around rape that most women can’t even admit it to themselves, let alone anyone else.

When someone suggests (without evidence) that a rape victim is lying, that she regrets having sex, that she shouldn’t have been drinking, that she shouldn’t have been alone after dark, that she shouldn’t have gone back to that guys place at 3am, that she shouldn’t have dressed like that and so on, they are being heard by every woman who has ever been sexually assaulted, particularly those closest to them.  I know when I heard my friends, family and colleagues say those things, I felt so much shame about what happened to me (I still do, but I’m working through that) I blamed myself.  I believed all of these things about myself, and thought that I should have stopped what happened to me.

Not to mention that so many people think that if they like or admire someone, there is no way he could be a rapist, that he could sexually assault someone.  Here’s the thing.  Rapists are people you know.  They’re not some faceless random druggie maniac hiding in an alleyway waiting for some woman in a skimpy outfit and half drunk to walk by.  Rapists are people you know.  Most women are raped by people they know, AND TRUST.  Many women have to live with their rapist in their lives after he has raped her, with her friends and family all talking about what a great bloke he is.

**Deep breath**

I believed my father’s golf buddy would never hurt me.  My parents left me and my younger brother in his care.  I was too young (12) and too ashamed and too scared to tell my parents outright that he was molesting me, but I did say I didn’t like staying with him and his wife when they went away, but they told my brother and I to be grateful that such nice people were willing to look after us.  Even as a young adult when it came to light that this man had molested other children, I was still too ashamed to tell anyone.  I was ashamed because I didn’t fight back, I didn’t say no, I didn’t speak up when it was happening.  Because that’s what other people said when they were talking about other rape victims.  How was I different to those other rape victims?

Then when I was a young woman, I had been drinking and all dressed up sexy for a night out on the town with friends, the night my boyfriend asked me to do something while we were having sex, and when I said no, I didn’t want to, he held me down forcefully and did it anyway as I cried in pain and shame.  I didn’t tell anyone because he made fun of me in front of his mates for being an “uptight bitch”.  I continued to sleep with him despite what he did to me, because people said that what he did wasn’t rape, that he was a lovely guy, that women who dress sexy or have sex while they are drunk are sluts, that if you consent to having sex with a guy, you can’t “cry rape” because you “regret it later”.  Even when his older brother, who was a good man, gently asked me if everything was ok one night at a family barbecue, I lied and said that it was.  Even after that brother said “I don’t care if he’s my brother, if he’s hurting you, I want you to tell me ok?”, I still lied and said it was ok, because I was so ashamed, so embarrassed by everything because I had heard other people say things about rape and sexual assault that made me feel like it was my fault.  Years later when I encountered this old boyfriend again in my life, people told me what a nice guy he was, yet all that time he was telling his friends what he did to me, and they laughed, and never thought it was rape.

I also excused the man who was supposed to be one of my closest friends when he would publicly grab my crotch, or try to put his hand in my pants/skirt, or push me up against walls and rub his penis through his pants on me, all in public, like it was some hilarious joke.   I made excuses for what he did, because everyone thought it was funny, and because people said that wasn’t sexual assault.  I would squeal and run away and let people laugh like it was so hilarious, but 10 minutes later be in the bathroom crying because I felt so violated and dirty.  I blamed myself because even though I told him I hated when he did that, he just told me to “get a sense of humour” and said “Oh you love it.”  I blamed myself because everyone thought he was SO funny, because my family liked him (still do), because I was an “uptight bitch”.

I still have to tolerate my family and some old friends mentioning this man to me, as though I’m interested in what happens in his life, because they like him.  They think I’m unreasonable for cutting him out of my life because they think I did so for trivial reasons.

For all of these events in my life, I didn’t talk about it, I blamed myself.  I couldn’t even tell the people who loved me the most.  Even when I broached it with a later boyfriend, he only suggested that “You can’t carry these things around with you forever.”  Except I do.  They have affected me, they colour my relationships with other people, and the very culture we live in tells me every day I am to blame for what happened to me, with rape apologism and excuses.

And I believe, that it’s because of this rape culture, that it didn’t stop with that first case when I was 12.  It’s because of this rape culture that I wasn’t able to report the subsequent events, or tell my family and friends, or even confide in that good man who offered to help me in dealing with his own brother, because I was being told from so many sources that it was MY fault, that I was the one who did something wrong and would have to live with the consequences.  If I hadn’t been shamed by other people’s attitudes and ignorance towards rape and sexual assault, maybe I wouldn’t have suffered again and again.

I am not talking about this stuff because I want attention, or anyone to feel sorry for me.  I’m talking about it because I want to give a face and a name and humanity to the women who survive rape and sexual assault only to be told it was their fault, that they should have behaved or responded in a different way to the way they did.  I want people to know that their behaviour, their words, their attitudes do harm to rape survivors.  I want people to know that when they speak this ignorance, these excuses, they are hurting the women in their lives, and opening the culture up for rape and sexual assault to happen again, and again, and again.

If you make apologies or excuses for rape, if you dismiss accusations of rape without proper and thorough investigation and evidence, if you make rape jokes, if you use the word rape to describe anything other than sexual violence, you are not only contributing to a rape culture, but you are hurting the women in your life.  ALL of them, survivors of rape/sexual assault or not.  You are hurting your daughters, your wives, your girlfriends, your sisters, your mothers, your aunts, your cousins, your colleagues and your friends.

*Yes, I am well aware that it isn’t only women who are raped, but it is women who are shamed, ridiculed, silenced and bullied about rape on a daily basis.

Please note that any examples of rape jokes, apologism/excuses and shaming will be deleted and blocked from this blog.  The zero tolerance I have for these things from my friends extends to anyone who visits this space, which is MINE and I have full control over.  Thank you.

American Apparel Marketing and the Objectification of Women

*Heads up:  This post is going to have several photographs of women in little to no clothing, in poses that may represent sexual acts.  If you feel you may find these photographs offensive, triggering or upsetting, please do not continue reading this post.  This post also may not be considered safe for work, children or your Grandma.  Come back and have a look when you’re at home/they’re not watching.

I need to write the post that others failed when they wrote about American Apparel’s marketing and promotions.  It’s been a big week for me, with another big week coming, and I wasn’t sure I would have the spoons to blog about this topic yet, but I can’t leave it alone.

I won’t link to other posts.  You really don’t need to read them, they’re full of slut shaming (the misogynistic  judgement of women for having/displaying any sexuality), denial of female sexuality and general loathing towards women who they deem outside the “nice girl” box.  There is the use of words like slutification, pornification and sexualisation.  All of which conflate female sexuality with objectification, which is not helpful at all in taking on the negative stereotypes of women that are perpetuated in marketing and media.  Plus there is a rather massive dose of bullying and mean girl behaviour going on with most of them too.

Instead, I want to talk about American Apparel and the objectification of women that they perpetuate with their marketing.

I don’t know if any of you have seen any of American Apparel’s marketing.  Here’s an example:

Now American Apparel make a whole bunch of Lycra/Spandex/Elastane stuff that you would consider as dance wear, gym wear, sports wear etc.  So yeah, it’s the kind of thing you expect to see dancers in, and it’s body fitting, because that’s what those kinds of garments are meant to do.  Tights, leotards, socks and similar things aren’t meant to be baggy and body hiding.

However, American Apparel seem to really think that women should always be presented in sexual positions in their marketing.  Legs open, bent over with bared buttocks, sexually available and open.  Often you won’t see the woman’s face, but if you do, she’s expressionless, vacant, compliant, submissive.  There is often alcohol involved which to me implies a removal of control from the women depicted as well.  Often the female models are splayed out in beds, sometimes with other clothing partially removed or yanked down to expose buttocks and genital areas.  Here are a few more examples:

Very provocative stuff, as you can see.  Women in American Apparel marketing are treated as objects, laid out and available for the viewer to have whatever they like of them.

I’m not sure who this is marketing too.  Is it the women who would wear these items of clothing?  Would they respond favourably to this kind of imagery and go out and buy these products?  Or are the marketing images aimed at someone else?  Are they designed to create buzz in their controversy?

If you do a Google Image search for American Apparel, you will find they also sell men’s garments too, as well as some children’s pieces.  I noticed that the imagery for men and children are far, far less objectified than those for women.  The male models chosen always seem to be older looking than the women they use for their marketing too.  And they seem to opt for white men and children yet with a lot of the marketing images of women, they choose a high proportion of very young looking Asian and Latin American women.

Personally I find the objectification of women in American Apparel’s marketing highly offensive.  Women are almost always shown in their images with either their legs spread or on all fours, regularly headless or at least expressionless.  Cameras are focused on genitals or the buttocks, even when the model’s face appears in the photograph.  The models are presented like sex dolls, completely devoid of any humanity in most cases.  Women are treated as objects for the gratification of others, rather than as human beings or of having emotions, thoughts, or intelligence of their own.  This is not about the sexualisation of women, it’s actually about a woman’s sexuality being removed from her, and her being nothing more than an object to be used.

In fact, American Apparel make it very clear that they don’t want a whole person when it comes to women.  They only want body parts:

As you can see – they only want your backside, or there’s some breast there that they are willing to accept as well.

American Apparel’s marketing is very much aimed at young people.  It sends the message to the young people who view these marketing images that women are nothing more than parts to be used, ogled, spread out.  It’s not about the women in the ads being “slutty” or pornographic, it’s about the removal of humanity from the female subjects in the marketing.

Don’t buy from American Apparel.  Tell your friends and family not to buy from American Apparel.  Tell American Apparel that their marketing is offensive and unacceptable.  But don’t attach terms like slut, porn or sexuality to these marketing images.  They are dehumanised and objectified, not sexualised/slutified/pornified.

*Dr Samantha Thomas has also posted a great piece about the concept of “slutification”.  It’s well worth reading, go here to read it.

On Women and Enjoyment

It was a small comment on this great post by meowser on Fat Fu that set a lightbulb off in my mind.  While talking about food shaming, this really jumped out at me:

Seriously. I will never be able to understand how the same women who (rightly) opine that women should have the right to drink like men frequently balk at the idea that women should be allowed to eat like men. Sure, you can inhale a thousand calories’ worth of Cosmopolitans or Coronas and fall off your barstool and that’s badass righteous, but gods forbid you should indulge in a cheeseburger. On a bun made with white flour. With fries. And a full-sugar soft drink. (You food slut, you.)

The emphasis is mine.

That’s what this is all about isn’t it?  That’s what the objection to fat women really boils down to.  The perception that women who are fat, must eat a lot, so therefore they are food sluts.  Because if a woman enjoys ANYTHING, be it food, sex,  shopping, alcohol, working, you name it, then she must be enjoying it to excess, be gluttonous, addicted, enslaved by her enjoyment, and by extension, a slut.

Of course, feminism steps up for most of these things, and says that women should be able to enjoy things as much as men, but as Meowser rightly says, often not when it comes to food.  The slut shaming is still there, only it’s not sex or drinking and so on, it’s food.  Because so many people believe, and some of those people are feminists, that fat is still the most disgusting vice that one can have.

The idea that women enjoying anything, regardless of how much they are enjoying it, is somehow un-ladylike is antiquated and offensive.  Surely we’ve moved past the age where women were expected to be “dainty” about everything in their lives?  We’re not allowed to please ourselves in any way, instead women are expected to be pleasing to others.  And it’s not just men.  A lot of the most hateful vitriol that women suffer comes from other women.  The piece that Meowser is responding to in her blog post is by a woman who calls herself a feminist, published on Feministe.  It was really disheartening to read this from a feminist, when it’s hard enough fighting the narrow minded expectations of misogynists, without having to deal with it from within our own sphere.

Until we can shift the thinking that women enjoying themselves in any way is somehow un-ladylike and unfeminine, we’re still going to be oppressed as a gender.  It doesn’t matter if it’s sex, or food, or anything else – slut shaming is still slut shaming.

While women are forced to feel guilt for what they eat (or what they are perceived to be eating by their body shape/size), they’re not free to be equal human beings, and disordered behaviours and damaged body image will run rife.