Australian Brands Plus Size Research – Can You Help?

Published November 29, 2015 by sleepydumpling

I’ve been contacted by a student who would like some assistance with some research she is doing.  Ana Maria Gonzalez is studying a Master of Commerce and is a textiles designer who loves fashion and new ideas.  Currently, she is doing her final project research about the marketing communication strategies of the Australian Plus Size Brands.

If you are in Australia and would like to help Ana Maria, please copy and paste the questionnaire below and reply to her in an email with your answers.  You can email her at this address.

Plus size Australian Brands Questionnaire

  1. Please, let’s start for the basics. Name:___________________________________
  2. For how long have you been engaged with the curvy fashion industry?
  3. What was the motivation to start the blog?
  4. How do you find the Australian Fashion options for the “plus size” customers?
  5. Which are your preferred Australian “plus size” brands? Why?
  6. Regarding brand communication, which kind of models do you find more engaging in the plus size brands, the ones that are at the lower end of the sizes or those than represent a larger size? If so, describe.

    Screen Shot 2015-11-29 at 10.52.56 AM

  7. Do you have or you faced any difficulties in finding good fashion items in Australia?
  8. Do you consider that the Australian plus size fashion brands manage an open and empowering communication to their clients?
  9. What is your opinion about the advertisings used in for the plus size fashion vs those used for “the regular sizes”
  10. Is there something that you would like to see different in the instore communication of the plus size Australian brands? Could be photos, staff, disposition of the space, fitting rooms, etc….
  11. Do you like to participate in the Facebook pages of these brands? What is the response that you got?
  12. Do you also engage with the other social media sites of the Australian plus size brands?

Plus 40 Fabulous – An Introduction

Published November 14, 2015 by sleepydumpling


I am thrilled to participate in the Plus 40 Fabulous project created by the lovely Leah and Mookie.  Leah and Mookie wanted to claim a space in fatshion/plus-size blogging for people over 40, which considering the way women are relegated to the sidelines as they get older, is a fantastic idea.  There are plenty of perky young lovelies blogging in the fatosphere, and good on them, but there is no reason that women have to stop enjoying dressing and feeling good about themselves as they get older.  I believe strongly in visibility and representation, and if my participating in Plus 40 Fabulous gets one 40+ fatty putting on a fab outfit and feeling good about herself, then it’s more than worth it.

So I know a lot of you already follow my blog and other online presence, but as this is an introduction post for the project and will be linked through the #plus40fabulous tag, there may be new people who have not read my work before.  To those, I say a hearty welcome!  To the rest of you champs who have been around a while, it’s good to see you again!


Well, my name is Kath and I recently turned 43 years old.  In my day job I’m an IT librarian in Brisbane, but by night (well, it’s not restricted to just night any more!) I love to put on my rainbow tights and sparkly dress and have been a fat activist for about six years now.  Mostly I concentrate on the rights of fat women, because I am royally fed up with being treated like a second-class citizen because of my size, but I do believe that every day things like the access to attractive clothing and being represented in a positive light as a fat woman are actually radical acts of fat activism.  Not apologising for who I am is one of the most powerful things I have learned to do.

It me!

It me!

My Style

There is a running joke amongst my friends and I that I’m trying to bring in “toddler style” as a thing.  I’ve been walking through a shopping centre and said to my friend Kerri “Why can’t I have HER outfit?” and she has replied “Kath, she’s four.”  But why should little kids get all the fun stuff?  If I could, I would be all about the rainbow tights, sparkly dresses, ladybug shoes and fairy wings.  I’m on a quest to smash the idea that women have to get dull as they mature and that a wardrobe has to be conservative to be professional.  What I wear has no bearing on my intellect and my ability to do my job, but it does show how creative and passionate I am.

I have been fat for most of my life (I prefer the term fat to any other euphemisms, it is in no way derogatory, simply a descriptor like tall or brown-eyed) but only really started developing my own style in my late 30’s.  Prior to that, I really felt that I didn’t deserve nice things, and besides, they were much, much harder to find back then!  But after I found fat activism, built my confidence and self esteem, I realised that I loved playing with style to express who I am.  Where once I tried very hard to be either a brown sparrow who disappeared into the background, or did the whole grungy-goth anti-fashion thing, I realised that the one thing that defines my taste most is my love of colour.  Brown, grey and black have their place in my wardrobe, but mostly I am bored by them when it comes to clothes.  I love colour in all aspects of my life and will always gravitate to either the brights, the bolds or the pretties.  I love quirky prints and fun accessories.

I’m in no way beholden to fashion as an industry – mostly because it has never cared a jot about me or my money – but I do love clothes and style, and I wear what makes me happy.

She's got cooties!

She’s got cooties!

How I Feel About Being Over 40

Personally, I’m loving being over 40.  I hear a lot of people dreading turning 40, or hiding their age, saying they’re 29 again etc.  But life just keeps getting better.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect, and things change physically a bit as you get older, but I’m far more content and definitely more confident now than I have ever been.  I think a lot of people see high school or their 20’s as their peak in life – but to me that’s sad.  If you peak that early, what are you doing with the rest of your life?  The only thing that really bothers me is that my hearing and eyesight are deteriorating a bit more (they’ve never been great anyway), which is frustrating.  But I haven’t had my natural hair colour for over 20 years, preferring to change it to something more fun, so greys don’t bother me and fat doesn’t wrinkle much anyway!  I’m proud of my age, and wish more women would embrace the years they have lived.

Oh, and I wish menopause would hurry up, I’m not using my uterus, it can just retire!!

Inked Up and Fabulous!

Inked Up and Fabulous!

How Society Treats Older Women

This however, is a different matter.  I’ll start by saying I don’t buy into the “We just get invisible.” thing, because fat women are mostly invisible at any age.  As are other marginalised people – we don’t exist unless it’s to be ridiculed or vilified.  However, there is a courtesy paid to young women, even marginalised young women, that older women don’t get.  Once you pass a certain age, you’re seen as either an inconvenience or a drudge.  Even the most talented and passionate woman stops being referred to as “dynamic” the minute she turns about 35.  Add to that the fact that older women are just not visible in the media and entertainment in the same way that older men are.  Look at Maggie Gyllenhaal, being told she’s “too old” at 37 to play the love interest of a man in his 50’s!  With a few notable exceptions, older women are mostly relegated to being mothers or grandmothers or crones.  Which is so unlike the reality of  all the older women I know – who are vibrant, funny, gifted, intelligent, compassionate, talented and just downright interesting, if you bother to take the time to know them.

Always subtle.

Always subtle.

I’ve always been someone with friends of all ages, right from when I was a teenager myself.  I still have friends who range from a 21 through to their 60’s who are all different and interesting in their own way, and they find me interesting.  If we only surround ourselves with people at our own small age group, then we’re missing out on all the different perspectives in life.  I am eternally grateful to the older friends who have imparted wisdom on me over the years, and now I hope I can do the same for my younger friends, in my own way.  My wisdom usually consists of “Fuck it, you only live once!”

Which brings me to…

Fashion Advice and Inspiration

Clash those prints!

Clash those prints!

Fuck it, you only live once!

It’s true though.  You can spend your life worrying about what other people think, or you can just wear stuff that makes you feel happy and confident.  It might not be the same for you as it is for me, but whatever it is for you, just wear it.  As I said before, I don’t care a damn about the fashion industry, and I’m not interested in following trends to the letter.  I pick and choose the bits I like and ignore the rest.

As for inspiration, mostly toddlers.  I’m only half kidding there – I mean I do love other sources, like Advanced Style, Arched Eyebrow, Cupcake’s Clothes and The Curvy and Curly Closet –  but for anyone who has been around toddlers for any length of time, you’ll know that they demand to wear what they want to wear, even if it doesn’t match, isn’t considered “appropriate” for the occasion, or isn’t practical.  They don’t care if it’s their Auntie’s wedding, they’ll wear purple gumboots, shorts with frogs on them and a stripey turtleneck if that’s what pleases them.  We all have that innate desire to just say “Bugger it.” and wear what we like, but it’s wheedled, teased and bullied out of us most from a very young age and perpetuates throughout most of our lives.  Sometimes you just have to put on that sparkly dress and rainbow tights with your shoes with the flowers on them and rock your own sweet style.

Style is all attitude.

Style is all attitude.

If you’d like to see more of Plus 40 Fabulous, you can find the posts and info on the social media accounts:

And if you’re posting about the project, be sure to use the hashtag #plus40fabulous

Fat Activism is Not About Your Boner – Part 2

Published November 7, 2015 by sleepydumpling

Ugh.  It’s happening again.  There’s another round of posts/tweets/talk declaring “You can’t force me to find you attractive!” responses to fat activism.  Post after post after post from random dudes, usually crawling out of reddit or 4chan, loudly declaring that fat activism has no place in modern society because “You can’t force me to find you attractive!!”  It doesn’t matter what topic we talk about, there they are:

“The availability of a full range of affordable plus-size clothes is sadly lacking.”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

“Doctors are failing to treat fat patients with dignity and respect, and this is endangering their health.”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

“Fat women are paid less than thin people for doing the same work.”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

“Fat women cannot walk down the street or be visible online without being abused and harassed”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

“Fat women are not represented fairly in art or media.”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

“Gastrointestinal mutilation is killing fat people.”
“You can’t force me to find you attractive!”

Hot tip fellas – we have never either asked or demanded you find us attractive.  It’s pretty certain that if you’re that type of dude, we don’t find YOU attractive, and we could care less whether you find us attractive or not.  Fat activism has nothing to do with your boner.  It has always been about the rights of fat people to live their lives in dignity and respect, without fear of vilification or discrimination.  Standing up and saying “Don’t treat fat people as subhuman.” does not mean the same as “You must find us attractive.”  Our demand to be able to walk down the street or be online without being abused and harassed, or to get decent clothing, medical care and working conditions has not one iota of anything to do with whether or not people find us attractive or not.

But that’s the thing isn’t it?  Many men only treat women with respect if they find them attractive.  It’s the Nice Guy phenomenon.  Those men who are only “nice guys” to the women they want to sleep with.

Which leads me to the next problem that fat women face – and that’s at the other end of the spectrum.  Men who expect us to be grateful that they DO find us attractive.  I can’t tell you the number of times I have complete strangers contact me to tell me that they find sexy, as if I’m supposed to care.  I write about fat women in fiction – skeevy dudes commenting how they like me in a particular dress, or emailing me dick pics.  I even get them creeping me on LinkedIn and GoodReads for fucks sake!  I write about harassment online, some rando messages me that he wants to lick my fat feet.  I post pictures of my new outfit, some creep follows me on Flickr and favourites hundreds of pictures of me.  I say on Instagram that I feel cute today – some dude tells me I’m a hot BBW.

Newsflash – I am not your BBW, whoever you are.  I am not your ANYTHING.  I don’t know you, and I don’t want to hear about your boner.

When women talk about how they feel beautiful or sexy or pretty, it is not the same thing as demanding or inviting other people to do so.  It’s about how we feel, our self-confidence and self-esteem.  It’s about our right to take up space and feel good about ourselves.  If I post a picture of myself and say “Damn I’m cute!” – it has NO bearing on whether or not someone else feels the same way.  It’s about how I feel and if someone disagrees, I don’t care.   I am still cute, whether you agree or not.  No need to tell me.  It’s not about you.  I’m not going to click on some strange guy’s photo and say “Dude, I don’t find you attractive at all.”  Or “You’re gross.”   One, what I think about some stranger doesn’t matter and two, it’s DOUCHEY to try to make anyone feel bad about themselves.

We don’t have to feel or show gratitude for men telling us about their boner.  Particularly when most of them would turn and sneer if some random woman who they weren’t interested in approached them.  It’s interesting how a man declaring sexual interest in a woman is something women should be grateful for, whether they are interested or not, but a woman showing interest in a man earns her scorn and ridicule if it is not reciprocated.

Because that’s how they’ve set up the parameters around fat women – we can’t win no matter what we do.  If we demand to be treated as human, we are either accused of forcing random men to find us attractive, or we’re treated as objects to fuck with no agency or humanity.

To all the fat women out there sick of either being abused or skeeved on by random men – your self-confidence and self-esteem is not determined by other people, it is determined by YOU.

Fat in Fiction – A Review Post

Published November 1, 2015 by sleepydumpling

I think this post is going to be an ongoing one.

I’ve been working on it for ages now, slowly building up a collection of books with fat characters that I can review for you all, and I know there will be more in the future, I’m sure there are plenty that you can recommend for me that I haven’t covered here, which I will add to my To Be Read and Reviewed pile.  But we’ll start with the ones I’ve collected so far and go from there.

So what am I looking for when it comes to fat characters in fiction?  Well, let’s start with the main protagonist actually being fat.  Not a sidekick or sassy friend.  Not the main character’s mum, not a cliche villain (though I do love Ursula), not the peripheral character used for pity or to illustrate some awful point.  In particular, I am looking for fat women in fiction.  Positive portrayals of fat women in fiction.

Again, if you know of any that aren’t listed here yet, please do let me know in the comments.

Corinna Chapman – Kerry Greenwood


I simply must start with Kerry Greenwood’s Corinna Chapman series.  I will never forget the first time I read the first book, Earthly Delights – I was completely blown away by being able to read a story where the heroine was a fat woman.  A successful, happy, beautiful, loved fat woman who was smart and funny and clever enough to solve mysteries that other people couldn’t.  Set in Melbourne, Corinna Chapman is a baker who inadvertently finds herself solving mysteries.  With her collection of colourful friends and colleagues, her gorgeous boyfriend Daniel (swoon!) and her regal cat Horatio, I fell into these books and read them voraciously.  The whole series is excellent.

Eleanor and Park – Rainbow Rowell


Let me start off by saying that there’s no real indication of how fat Eleanor is.  She thinks she’s fat, kids at school call her fat.  So I’m going with her as a fat girl protagonist.  Even though she may not actually be so.  The reason I put this one in is because it strikes so close to home for me.  I’m about the same vintage as Eleanor, I was a fat teenager picked on at school and from a pretty shitty home situation.  Eleanor is smart, and strong, and the relationship between she and Park is gorgeous (note, there are also some problematic elements about Park’s Korean family members).  Eleanor and Park is not a perfect book, but it is one that struck a lot of chords for me.

Dumplin’ – Julie Murphy


Oh how I adored this book.  This is the book I needed to read when I was 15. Willowdean “Dumplin'” Dickson is an unapologetic fat girl, navigating the maze that is teenage life. Cute boys, spats with your best friend, the school bully, the loss of a loved one, a dud relationship with your Mum, not being able to find cute clothes, school and your first trip to a drag club.

Garnished with a liberal helping of Dolly Parton, red lollipops and cringe-worthy moments, I laughed, I cried, I cheered and I crossed fingers and toes with Willowdean.



Dietland – Sarai Walker

dietland Firstly, I found Dietland SUPER triggering.  That’s not to say it’s not a fantastic book – it is a fantastic book.  It just pushed some buttons for me.  But that said, it’s really compelling and subversive and has some of the most beautiful prose I’ve read in a long time.  Plum is a very fat woman.  Thank fuck for that, I’m sick of inbetweenies being as fat as it gets in fiction and being called radical.  Dietland is PROPER radical.  Described by some as “Fight Club for women”, Dietland goes where a lot of other novels fear to tread.

In Real Life – Cory Doctorow and Jen Wang


This one is actually a graphic novel aimed at younger readers.  But it’s super cute and nerdy, with a subtle ethics lesson running through it.  The artwork is as cute as hell, and while the central character is never referred to as fat or chubby or anything, she just is.


Everything Beautiful – Simmone Howell

Screen Shot 2015-11-01 at 3.21.30 pm

This book is a delight. It has so many things going for it. It’s Australian. It is set in a cheesy Christian holiday camp. The love interest is a disabled guy. The support characters are diverse and mostly really interesting. But the best thing of all… The protagonist is a fat girl and she gives ZERO fucks about it! She’s fat. She doesn’t hate herself. She’s confused and frustrated and sick of people treating her like shit, but hey, she’s a teenager. But she knows what she has got by way of her body and she fucking flaunts it. I loved Riley Rose so much, and Dylan, the love interest is hot and complicated and a bit of a jerk sometimes and pissed off and just gorgeous.

The only criticism I had was the very abrupt ending, which made me feel like I was being chucked out the back door and told to “move on”. I didn’t get any sense of resolution to several threads of the story, and I don’t quite know where Riley Rose was at as much as I would like to.

Fatizen 24602 – Philip C Barrigan II

Screen Shot 2015-11-01 at 3.24.32 pm

This is another really subversive one.  Quite a bit more violent than I would normally choose, but it is really engaging and with well developed characters.  Lots of in-jokes for people who have been around the fatosphere for a while.

It’s a dystopian future in which fat people have their citizenship revoked and are imprisoned – sometimes even snatched off the street or from their homes.  I was somewhat uncomfortable with the portrayal of fat people and food, but could also understand why the author went where he did.

I particularly loved the artwork in this one.



This should give you all somewhere to start with fat characters in fiction.  Again, if you have other books you have read, please share them in the comments*, I’m always on the hunt for more books to read, and if they have positive portrayals of fat people, even better still.  I will attempt to read them and add them to this post as I do.

Happy Reading!

*Please keep comments to topic as I will be deleting anything that is not about fat characters in fiction.

Experts… Experts Everywhere

Published August 30, 2015 by sleepydumpling

So I’m not writing as much as I used to.  I want to, but I’m just so bloody tired.  No, not physically tired – on that front I’m feeling pretty perky, especially since I’ve just had a lovely two week holiday.  I’m intellectually and emotionally tired.   Worn down by all the experts who spend all their time examining every tiny scrap of fat people’s lives online to pipe up with their expert opinion.  Doesn’t matter what it is, a selfie of your new haircut, a picture of the cute manicure you just gave yourself, a post talking about your experience going to the doctor and being treated horribly, a conversation about how hard it is to get nice clothes in your size, participating in an interview about how fat people have the right to live their lives in peace, a picture of a fancy meal you went out to… it doesn’t matter, if you’re fat and you post anything online, you have a group of very sad people who literally spend all their spare time lurking just waiting for that moment they can leap out at you with their “expertise”.


Fellow fatties, you know them don’t you?  You’ve met them all:

The young “pharmacy tech” (I’m a pharmacy tech and I can tell you…) – honey, you work in a shop.  Nothing wrong with working in a shop.  But you’re not a medical professional.  You haven’t done a medical degree, you haven’t been out of high school long enough.  You work in a shop that sells bandaids and hair products and vitamin pills, and when someone comes in for a prescription, you have to hand over to the pharmacist who does have some qualifications.  You are NOT an expert on fat people.

The protein shake huffing “fitspo” expert who spends every spare minute of his time lurking about fat activist pages, trying to stir up hate from other protein shake huffing “fitspo” experts and really badly photoshopping fat women’s photos and making whale and pig jokes… as if any of that is original, new or indicative of any expertise.  You don’t like women and you think their only value is to make your dick hard.  You are NOT an expert on fat people.

The young student who has a seemingly normal life on the surface, but she hates herself so much she uses a picture of a pretty girl from Pinterest to create a fake Facebook account to troll fat women.  Instead of enjoying the seemingly normal life she has, she feels the need to try to make fat women bad about themselves in the vain attempt to build up her own self esteem.  It doesn’t work kiddo.  You are NOT an expert on fat people.

The former fatty who through violent, invasive or radical means has made themselves thin for awhile.  They are clinging precariously to their new thinness, and watching it slip through their fingers like sand but instead of realising that they are only harming themselves, has to turn that fear and frustration to bullying fat people online to try to cling to the myth of thinness.  You are NOT an expert on fat people.

I could go on.  They are all the same though, that 95% of them fit into the descriptions above.  Several of them will claim that I am referring directly to them, and they’re right, but they’re also wrong.  I’m referring to the collective “them” – they’re not even unique.  A dime a dozen.


If only I could find a way to monetise all the experts rushing to give me their opinion on my body, my life and my rights.  I would be able to give up my day job and write all the time.

The really sad thing is that these people actually do believe they know our bodies better than we do.  They really do believe that their “opinion” holds value in the world when it comes to fat people and our lives.  They believe that the Daily Mail article quoting some diet company funded “study” or the sour-faced woman on telly saying she’d euthanise fat people they saw overrides our actual experience.  They come at us with a patronising tone, “explaining” things at us as though they’re speaking to a small child.  Half of these “experts” haven’t even fully experienced adulthood yet.  I’m 43 in a couple of months, I think I’ve experienced a little more than some 22 year old student or a 19 year old pharmacy tech.

Not to mention that most of us who engage in fat activism have spent YEARS working on this stuff.  And I mean actually working, not spending a few minutes listening to Dr Oz.  We’ve researched, written, participated in and read hundreds of books and studies on the subject.  And those are just the ones in my collection, by no means an exhaustive list of the work that has been done.  We organise, attend and participate in conferences on the subject.  Many fat activists are academics and professionals in health, sociology, dietetics, epidemiology, human rights and various other fields that study fatness.  These are the actual professional experts on the subject.

So to all of my beloved fellow fats who are just so fucking fed up with all the randos popping up in your life to spew their unsolicited “expertise” on your body and your life, I say this:


There is not another person on this earth that knows you, your life and your body like you do.  You are the one who has lived your life, lived in your body for however long you have been alive.  It’s the only thing that I can actually say you are an expert on (though you likely have expertise in other areas – we all do!)  Don’t let anyone try to make you think otherwise.

To all of the “experts” who like to crop up online everywhere and tell fat people we’re going to die or that we’re ugly… go and read the books and studies on the list I have linked to above.  Here’s the link again.  And I mean actually read them, from cover to cover, not just skim a few pages and claim to have read them.  Then you will have at least the same pool of research knowledge that I do.  Then we can talk.  Until then, you know where you can shove your opinion – because that’s all it is, and opinions are like arseholes – everyone may have one, but not everyone wants to hear it.

The Competition is a Lie

Published July 18, 2015 by sleepydumpling

Well hello!  I’m still here, still alive (I know fat haters, you had me pegged as dying by the time I was 40!) and still keeping up with the fatosphere.  I know, I’m not writing as often as I used to – I have to focus on the boring stuff of life so much more these days, like working and paying the bills, there’s not as much time and energy to spend writing, which really bums me out.  But I am here, and I do continue to share a lot of stuff on my Facebook page.

Today I want to share some wisdom with you all.  Triggered by a couple of things really, I want to talk to all the women out there about self esteem and how you view/treat other women.  I’m currently reading a thesis I recently participated in (Tayla Hancock: Life in This Fat Body) and am hearing some of the other participants stories of how they feel in comparison to other women.  The other trigger is the almost constant surveillance I receive other women in public.  I’m sure many of you have experienced it, being out in public when you  notice a woman look you up and down (the old body check), focus on something about you (for me it’s usually my rather prodigious belly!) and then you see the expression of superiority and disdain travel across their face.  You know the look.  “Well, at least I’m not THAT fat/don’t have a big belly/fat arms/big butt etc/am prettier than her.”

I recently even had someone admit on my Facebook page that even though they’re a fat woman themselves, they find themselves looking at other women and thinking those very things.  My answer to her was “Don’t think that those women don’t know you’re doing that.  Because we do.”

I want to let you in on a little secret.  Judging other women will not fix your bad self esteem.

It won’t.  It might make you feel superior for a few minutes, but the minute you see another woman who you think is prettier/thinner/better than you, then your self esteem is going to crumble all over again.

For those of you who are subjected to the judgement of women needing to feel superior to you, take heart, their perception of superiority to you is no real reflection on your value.   Their critique means nothing.

Let’s face it – we women are taught from birth that our appearance is the most important thing about us and that life for women is a competition with each other.  To get the “best” man, “best” job, “best” home, “best” family etc we must be “better” than other women.  So it’s only understandable that we grow up to engage in those really crappy behaviours towards each other.  The reason that we do this, isn’t because we’re women, but because women are taught by our culture that we’re SUPPOSED to do this.  After all, how often do you see that in popular culture – the trope that women have to compete over a guy, or something else.  We’re not allowed to compete for things like sport or skill, as that would be “unlady-like”, but if we want the thing that’s held up to us as the ultimate goal for women – the attention of men, then we’re expected to fight tooth and claw for it.  It’s a false value system.  The truth is, the attention of men is of low value and all too abundant.   You really don’t have to compete with other women to get it, if that’s what you want.

That said, because it’s deeply ingrained and we’re taught by society that it’s how we’re supposed to behave, doesn’t make it OK.  Before we look at any benefits to ourselves, we need to be asking “Is this the right way to be treating other women?  Would I like to be treated this way?”  I’m pretty sure for most of us, the answer is a very firm no.

There is no competition.  By competing with other women, you instantly lose.  Every. Single. Time.

The way to make things better for yourself is not by pushing others down, but by recognising that we all have value and that womanhood is not a zero sum game.  The more we see value in women in general, the more we can recognise our own value.  Besides, beauty is false social economy as it does not belong to you – it’s fake currency metered out by our culture –  society can and does revoke it in a heartbeat, taking a woman from valuable to not in moments.

There are some really important facts for us to understand when it comes to our value as human beings, and to put us firmly on the path to building better self esteem.

Firstly, other women’s appearance, bodies, lives and success have absolutely no relevance to your value as a woman.  Womanhood and your value as a person is not a competition, and other women being successful or prettier or thinner than you does not make them superior to you as a human being.   Your value is something intrinsically tied to YOU, not to other people in relation to you.  There is no rank when it comes to womanhood.  There’s no real hierarchy of women.  Sure, a lot of men and society in general would love us to believe that we can be ranked and rated and should be devoting our lives to moving up that hierarchy, but it’s false.  If we are convinced to believe that, then we’re expected to compete for male attention and buy products to make ourselves “better/more worthy”.

Secondly, there will always, be someone thinner, prettier, sexier, better dressed etc than all of us.  Well, except perhaps Beyoncé.  But I can guarantee you, the most gorgeous woman you can think of still sees other women and thinks “I wish my [body part] were more like hers.”  So no matter how much superiority you build up when judging another women, it’s ALWAYS going to come crashing down when you encounter one that you decide has something better than yours.

Self esteem is built by learning your own worth, not measuring other people’s.  Seriously, the most important lesson I have ever learnt in building my self esteem is that by not judging other women, I actually stopped judging myself so harshly.  When I stopped judging other women for what they wear, how they look, the size and shape of their bodies, how they live their lives, suddenly I realised that I felt better about myself.  When you stop playing that constant comparison game, your energy is focused on so many other things and you stop being so critical of yourself.  When you are not constantly looking for someone to be better than, you also stop finding people you feel are better than you.

Finally, I think the most important thing to realise is that women are awesome.  We are.  When you learn to value other women for more than just how small their arse is or how clear their skin is, you realise that being part of womanhood is so richly rewarding.  Making friends with other women and valuing other women teaches you to value and be kind to yourself.  Once you start changing your thinking, it becomes self-perpetuating.  The more you question your attitudes towards other women and change that judgemental thinking, the better you feel about yourself, and then the better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to cast judgement on others.

It isn’t an overnight thing and is a learning process.  But the more you practice it, the stronger your own self esteem will get.  But I can tell you now after years of working on it, no amount of sneers at my big belly or fat arms diminishes my value as a woman.

So, the next time you find yourself looking at another woman and thinking “My ***** is better/thinner/prettier than hers.”, ask yourself why it matters.  Ask yourself how you’d feel if she was doing that to you.  And realise that so what if you’ve got a smaller arse than her or whatever.  That reflects only on you, not on her.

Or if you’re like me, and are one of the women who insecure others LOVE to treat with disdain, to use as their yardstick for their own worth, I want you to do something for me.  Next time you  notice it happening, put your shoulders back.  Hold your head up and look that woman in the face and remember that she’s doing it because SHE feels worth less, not because you are worth less.  Don’t give anyone that sense of superiority.  Smile at her, and walk away, rocking your badass, awesome self just as you are.

Fat Activism Is Not About Your Boner

Published June 6, 2015 by sleepydumpling

I think I just got the most ridiculous email I have ever received in my life.  Here is a screen cap:

Screen Shot 2015-06-06 at 5.45.24 pm

Here’s my open letter to Matt:

Dear Matt,

I couldn’t give a flying fuck about your boner.  My value, and the value of other fat women on this earth, is not measured by whether or not we give some random douchebag a boner.

The reason you can’t “attract women” has nothing to do with you having Asperger’s syndrome, it’s because you’re a judgemental fuck who thinks that women are on this planet for you to stick your dick in.  Or in your words ogle/fuck/date/marry.  Don’t use your Asperger’s as an excuse, plenty of aspie people find sexual partners and loving relationships – why?  Because they don’t treat prospective partners as though they owe them sexual attraction.

We don’t need to fix your fat hatred so that you get a boner for us.  There are plenty of men who value us and treat us as their equals, not living sex dolls.  If you want to expand your options for a relationship, try improving yourself, not demanding others perform for you.

It is not our job to help you find us sexually attractive.  It’s YOUR job as a human being to treat fat women with the dignity and respect that is our human right, whether you find us attractive or not.  Emailing a fat woman to tell her you find her and women like her “repulsive” is not treating them with dignity and respect.  It is also YOUR job to treat ALL women as human beings, not receptacles for your penis.  Until you do so, keep your sad little limp dick to yourself.

Yours sincerely


P.S.  Fuck you and your “large bodies repulse me”.  YOU repulse me with your misogyny and fat hatred.  And yes, YOU are showing your fat hatred by referring to us as “repulsive”.

I can't remember where I found this image, but it suits this piece perfectly.

I can’t remember where I found this image, but it suits this piece perfectly.

Honestly, it’s times like these that I could smack men like this in the dick with a frozen spoon and really keep the boners away.


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